Parlous Fortunes
by SiennaS
Summary: A peek into Johnny and Gen's life after their marriage and the birth of their first child. Can their love survive the next upheaval in their lives or will the strain simply be too much for them to handle? This comes after my 'What If' series and contains an OC that some will consider to be 'Mary-sue/Pollyanna' If you don't like these type of characters then don't read.
1. Chapter 1

Hey everyone...I'd kinda gotten away from writing because I was burned out and disgusted with what's really going on with publishing. I won't go into all of it here, but I will say that after some time away I felt the itch and decided maybe it was time to revisit my favorite story. After quite a bit of thought on the subject I decided there was maybe a bit more to Gen and John's story. After all, life isn't always a happily ever after, right? So just how would Gen and John navigate the rocky road of marriage when life once again began throwing curve balls at them? Again, just as a reminder, for those of you who don't like Pollyanna characters this story isn't for you.

* * *

 _"Hang on, Gen, Roy's coming down," Captain Stanley urged. "Whatever you do, don't let go."_

 _Never! Her gaze cut from above to below to where Johnny dangled, then beyond. She swallowed hard against the bile building in her throat and the sudden need to vomit. The only thing standing between Johnny and certain death was her damaged shoulder and five fingers._

 _"More Slack," she could hear Roy's panicked voice urging from somewhere above her. "Damn it, I said more slack."_

 _She watched Johnny as he hung below her, then slowly he looked up at her, his eyes filled with terror. "Please don't let go."_

 _"Never," she called back as she fought the tears now blurring her vision. I love you! But no matter how hard she tried to hold onto him he continued to slip through her fingers. Her heart shattered the moment their connection broke and she screamed in horror as he fell._

On a gasp, Gen jerked upright in bed.

"What's wrong?" Johnny asked as he pushed up next to her.

She turned toward him and for a second simply stared as she allowed reality push away the dream.

"Sweetheart?" Johnny reached a hand toward her. "Are you okay?"

Finally, she nodded. "I'm okay. I-," She stared at him, blinked. "I had a nightmare."

"Really?" His brow winged up in surprise. "You haven't had one of those in a long time. What was it about?"

"About your accident. Only I wasn't able to hold onto you." As she said the words she realized she was still shaking.

He reached for her. "Come on, lay back down."

She went willingly and snuggled against him so her back pressed against his front. He wrapped his arm around her and his leg over hers, cocooning her in his protection. Then he pressed his lips to her nape. "You're shaking," he whispered.

"It will pass," she murmured as she drew on his warmth and strength. Still, she felt unsettled and didn't like it one bit. The last time she'd dreamed like that her father had died the next day. Considering Johnny would head off to work in just a few hours, that fact didn't sit well at all.

"Is it possible you dreamed about it because yesterday was the date of the accident four years ago?"

"Maybe," she murmured. Was it possible that's all the dream was and not some strange omen like the one with her father?

"You know-" He slowly began mouthing kisses along her nape. "I can help you forget that dream."

She couldn't help but grin. "You're insatiable. You know that right?"

He slid his free hand under her arm and cupped her breast. "I can't help myself, when I have such a beautiful and sexy wife."

Making sure he couldn't see her, she rolled her eyes. Sexy was the last thing she felt at the moment.

"What do ya say, gorgeous? How about a little before work tension relief?"

Already her body began to hum and the dream was slowly starting to fade. It still amazed her how he could damn near always make her feel better, no matter what the situation.

His hand slid lower, breached her panties and on instinct she parted her legs for him.

"Mmmm," he purred against her neck. "You're very wet."

Gen closed her eyes and focused one the wonderful things he was doing to her, allowing the remnants of her dream to fade away. In reality, they should both be getting up for work, but she needed this just as much as he did. "I'm always wet for you."

Her reply pulled a growl from him that caused her body to shiver in response. Damn, she loved it when he went all feral on her.

* * *

Later, with her hair still wet from her shower, she rushed to apply her makeup. The water ran in the background as Johnny sprinted through his own shower. "You know," he said as he turned off the taps. "I have off this weekend. I was thinking maybe I'd head over to Mira Loma to the livestock auction."

The tension that their earlier sexcapade erased now returned with his statement. Was he really going back to this again? "Why?" she asked as she finished brushing on a little blush.

He pulled the curtain back then reached for his towel. "Well, Olivia's birthday is rolling up on us rather quickly and I need to have time to find the perfect horse."

Struggling to hold her temper she zipped up her makeup bag and tossed it back in the drawer. "I thought we agreed she was too young for a horse."

"No-" He narrowed his gaze on her. "You said you thought she was too young. I didn't then and I don't now agree."

Gen held her hands in the air and shook her head. "Neither of us have time for this discussion right now. I have to go get Olivia up and dressed."

Without another word, she stormed out of the bathroom, through the bedroom and headed for Olivia's room across the hall. Damn him for ruining the good mood he'd earlier helped to create.

Gen pushed open the door to find Olivia attempting to crawl out of her crib. "What are you doing, young lady?"

Dark brown eyes turned and stared up at her with determination. "Out, Mommy!" She said with so much conviction, all Gen could do was sigh. Their daughter might look more like Johnny, but her personality was all Gen.

"You're going to fall and get hurt doing that." Gen scolded as she picked Olivia up and placed her on the floor. "You don't climb out of the bed. Do you understand me?"

"No baby bed." Olivia protested and stomped her foot on the floor. "I big girl."

Gen blew out another sigh as she stared down at her daughter. Between Olivia and Johnny she suddenly felt outnumbered, when it came to her thoughts and feelings on subjects.

"Okay," Gen began. "If daddy and I get you a big girl bed for your birthday, will you stop climbing out of this one?"

Olivia actually appeared to be considering Gen's offer. "Okay mommy," she finally said after a moment. "I no climb."

"Good. Now let's get you dressed, before mommy is late for work."

By the time she'd made it into the kitchen and made Olivia's breakfast Gen's mood had only soured more. Just who in the hell did Johnny think he was, making decisions like that all by himself? After all, Olivia was her daughter too and she had a right to be part of such a huge decision.

Just then, dressed in his work uniform, and with the ends of his hair still damp, Johnny walked into the kitchen. "Do you need help with anything?"

Not bothering to check her temper this time she whirled on him. "You know, I really can't believe you."

"Me?" he pointed a finger at his chest. "What did I do?"

Gen shook her head as she opened the fridge and pulled out the milk. "Ugh...you're unbelievable sometimes. Do you know that?"

"Why?" Johnny asked as scooped oatmeal into a small bowl and placed it on Olivia's high chair.

"You're making decisions all on your own again," Gen shot back as she poured milk into a sippy cup.

John handed Olivia a spoon then turned back to Gen. "I thought you said we didn't have time to discuss this?"

"We don't," Gen snapped even as she worked to reign in her temper. Deep down, she knew there really wasn't any reason to get so upset, yet she couldn't seem to help herself.

"Then why are you bringing it up again?" he challenged as he grabbed a bagel out of the bread box.

"Because I'm tired of having my feeling and wishes ignored, that's why," she shot back as she debated about breakfast for herself. She really did need to eat something, but at that moment, nothing sounded good. Besides, she really wasn't that hungry. Maybe she'd just grab something at the hospital instead.

" Look," Johnny began. "We talked about this and you agreed."

"Yes, we talked about it," Gen agreed as she placed the sippy cup on Olivia's high chair tray. "But I did not agree."

"You didn't not agree," he replied.

Gen paused and leveled a look at him she hoped accurately conveyed her frustration. "I said I didn't think it was a good idea."

"I know that, but you didn't say I couldn't do it."

"Jeez Johnny," she threw her arms in the air and turned back to the pot of coffee to pour herself a cup. "She's turning three not thirteen."

"Don't you think I know that?" he snapped. "And you're not supposed to be having coffee."

"Doctor McLaughlin never specifically said I couldn't." Gen replied. If he wanted to play that game that was fine with her.

Her snappy reply pulled a frown from him. "You know you're not supposed to have caffeine."

"And you know that I meant no when I said I didn't think buying a horse for Olivia's birthday was a good idea."

Johnny shot a sideways glance at Olivia, who was busy digging her spoon into her oatmeal. "Shhh...don't talk about her b-day in front of her."

"Oh for heaven's sake," Gen set her cup on the table. "It's not like she understands what we're discussing."

"You don't know what she understands," Johnny replied.

"God, why are you insisting on being so frustrating this morning?" Gen grumbled as she pushed away from the table and stalked toward the dining room where she'd left Olivia's diaper bag.

Johnny stopped in the doorway between the two rooms, then shifted so he could keep an eye on Olivia. "I'm not trying to be frustrating for you, Genevieve, but you have to admit that it's possible you're being overly sensitive."

She paused her check of the bag and looked back at Johnny. "Oh here we go again. Just blame my mood on the hormones."

"Again, that's not exactly what I meant."

"Daddy!" Olivia squealed. "Done daddy."

He nodded. "Okay, baby. Just a minute." Then he turned back to face Gen. "There's nothing wrong with her having a horse at her age. I had one when I was that little."

"So because you had one, that makes it right?" Gen shot back, then as an after thought tossed two extra outfits from the pile of laundry sitting on the table into the bag.

"Yes-," he started to reply only to be interrupted again.

"Daddy!" Olivia's tiny voice conveyed her exasperation.

"Okay, baby." He glanced back at Gen. "Look, we're both going to be late for work. We'll continue this conversation tomorrow."

"No, we won't," she replied as she zipped the bag closed. "Because there's nothing more to discuss. Just like always, you're going to do whatever you want, despite my feelings. So what's the point in discussing it further?"

"Gen-"

She held up a hand and shook her head, stopping him mid sentence then reached down a picked up the almost empty bowl, placed it in the sink and filled it with water. "You asked if you could help with anything. Can you please just get her cleaned up while I put her things in the car?"

"Fine." Johnny frowned, but picked up the napkin and began wiping Olivia's face. "But this discussion isn't over."

"Yes, it is," she replied, snagged the diaper bag and her purse and headed out the bag door to the car.

* * *

Twenty minutes later Gen walked toward Rampart's Emergency entrance. She paused when she reached the door, turned and worked to scoop Olivia up into her arms. Olivia pushed against her, "Down Mommy."

"No baby. You can't run through emergency."

"I walk," she continued to squirm until Gen had no choice but to put her down.

"Fine," Gen sighed. "You can walk, but you hold my hand and you listen okay?"

Olivia smiled up at her. "Okay." She reached for Gen's hand. For a split second Gen stared down at her daughter as pride and love swelled to the surface. She couldn't quite believe it had been nearly 3 years since Olivia's birth. She'd been so terrified when she found out she was pregnant. Unprepared and knowing absolutely nothing about being a mother she'd struggled in the first few months to deal with her fear.

After Olivia's birth, her fear once again ratcheted up, but eventually, as they settled into a routine and life became normal she found her footing. Now, as she stared down into the face that reminded her so much of the man she loved she couldn't imagine life without her daughter.

"Mommy?" Olivia gave her a confused look.

Gen smiled. "What, baby?"

"No be sad."

Gen did her best to crouch in front of her daughter. "I'm not sad, sweetheart."

"You sad," Olivia insisted.

"No I'm not, sweetie. I'm just thinking about how big you're getting."

The confused expression Olivia wore disappeared, replaced by a look of pride. "I big girl."

"Yes. Yes you are." With some effort, Gen manage to stand again, and took Olivia's little hand in her own. "You ready to walk like a big girl?"

Olivia smiled up at her. "Ready."

Together, they walked into emergency. They turned the corner and Gen spotted Dixie at the nurses station. Dixie lit up at the sight of Olivia. "Hey there's my favorite girl."

Olivia squirmed free of Gen's grip and raced directly into Dixie's waiting arms.

 _So much for not running through emergency._

With a squeal she gave Dixie a toddler size hug.

"Wow, such a great hug," Dixie praised. "How are you today, Olivia?"

"Good," Olivia replied as she looked back at Gen. "Mommy sad."

"Oh?" Dixie replied as her attention drifted to Gen. "Is that so?"  
"I'm not sad," Gen insisted. "I just had a moment outside where I was reminded of how fast life is moving. That's all." Once again, Gen reached for Olivia's hand. "Come on sweet pea. It's time to go to daycare so mommy can work."

"Okay, mommy." She took Gen's hand, then waved at Dixie with the other. "Bye, 'ixie."

It took less than ten minutes to get Olivia settled into daycare and make it back to emergency. Dixie walked out of treatment room three and stopped to stare at Gen. "You sure you're okay?"

Despite her sour mood, Gen did her best to smile. She really appreciated how they all looked out for and cared about her, Johnny, and Olivia. Dixie and the others really were good friends in the truest sense. "I'm fine."

"You sure?" Dixie eyed her with an assessing look. "You're feeling okay?"

Gen nodded. "I'm fine. It's just Johnny and I had a fight this morning and I'm a little out of sorts now."

"Uh oh," Dixie murmured. "What did you two fight about now?"

"Olivia's birthday present," Gen replied, then immediately felt petty and stupid when Dixie gave her a reprimanding look.

"Please tell me you're joking."

Gen shook her head. "Unfortunately I'm not."

"Really." Dixie shook her head. "Sometimes you two fight about the stupidest things. You know that right?"

"True," Gen admitted, "But we always end up working it out and I have to admit, the make up sex is amazing."

Dixie cupped her hands over her ears. "Oh no. Too much information there, girlfriend. That's not an image I want in my head the next time I see him."

Gen couldn't help but laugh at Dixie's reaction. "Okay, I won't go on about how amazing he is in bed. Instead, I think it's time I got to work."

Dixie smiled. "I think that's a great idea. Besides, maybe after you see a few patients and get into the swing of things your mood will improve."

"Maybe," Gen murmured as she picked up the next chart in line and headed down the hallway towards the waiting room. What she needed for now was to get her mind off Johnny and on to work.


	2. Chapter 2

_I apologize if the location and details at the end of this chapter is off. I live on the East coast and am not at all familiar with Southern California. My only research was based on current day locations and areas. Hope you all enjoy._

* * *

Was his marriage in trouble?

Johnny frowned at that thought as he drove toward the station house. Over the past few months it seemed as if all he and Gen did was argue and he hated it. Their constant fighting wasn't good for Olivia, nor was it good for Gen. If he were being completely honest, it wasn't all that easy on him either. Worrying about his family was emotionally draining enough without adding in the stress from their arguing.

What had changed which could be causing this constant friction between them? He wracked his brain as he waited at the red light. From day one they'd gotten along so well. Nearly from the moment she'd walked through the door at 51's six years ago he'd known she was the one for him.

They had so much in common and she didn't just understand, but embraced his heritage. Never in his life had he ever trusted anyone as thoroughly as he did Genevieve. She was his support system when he was down, his best friend and the fiercest lover he'd ever encountered. When she did something, she gave it everything she had. It was a trait about her he both loved and hated. Especially during times like this when he found himself smack in the middle of a disagreement.

The light turned green and he proceeded forward. Yes, they'd had their arguments over the years. The 'Jason incident' came to mind and later their misunderstanding over her desire to return to 51 and his dating Christie. Both were brutal in terms of her stubbornness in admitting she was wrong, but then he'd also been wrong and too stubborn to apologize. It was a shame he'd nearly had to die that first time for them both to realize what they'd almost lost and make up.

Though, if his rope hadn't broken, they might not have ever admitted their true feelings. He could still remember their first kiss, with her standing half naked in the hospital bathroom. She'd looked so vulnerable, so beautiful, the need to kiss her had overwhelmed him. He couldn't stop himself and when he'd pleaded with her to tell him to stop, she'd simply shook her head. _I don't want to._

Those four little words had been the beginning of what they had now...a relationship he cherished more than anything else in his life. He made a left at the stop sign. They'd suffered through some drama after that amazing day, but with the exception of the 'Christie incident', they'd weathered the drama together. Though he had to admit, learning she was pregnant with Olivia had terrified him in ways he hadn't thought possible. The last thing he'd ever wanted was to have children or be responsible for someone else. Yet, as her pregnancy progressed and life seemed to settle down he'd realized he couldn't have been happier or more excited. With the exception of some morning sickness, her first pregnancy had been text book perfect. No health issues. No strange cravings and no radical mood swings. Sure, they'd had a few incidents here before and after Olivia's birth, but the constant arguing hadn't really started until...

He pursed his lips as he considered the answer. It all made sense now, but having the reason for their battles still didn't give him the answer on how to stop them. No way would she be receptive to any suggestion that the current tension in their marriage had everything to do with her hormones being out of whack. Hell, she'd nearly ripped his head off earlier that morning when he'd even eluded to the thought.

Hopefully, with any luck, in a couple more months life could get back to some type of normal. All he had to do was ride it out until then.

Johnny parked his rover in its slot, turned off the engine and headed into the station. What he needed to do now was try and put Gen out of his mind until after shift. In the wrong situation distractions could mean death, either for him or one of his crew. No way could he allow that to happen.

He pushed through the back door and paused as he took in his surroundings. Little had changed since his first day on shift six years ago. The air still smelled like Pine sol and diesel fuel. The florescent lights still provided a harsh glow over the room and the sounds of his men already hard at work echoed off the red brick walls. Thankful for his opportunity to remain at 51 as a Captain and for the amazing men he worked with every shift, he made his way down the aisle between the engine and squad, then stepped into his office. It was time to get to work. With any luck they'd have a calm, uneventful shift.

Johnny had no sooner sat down at the desk and began reading through the previous shift's log when a knock had him looking up. There, standing in the doorway was his engineer and friend Chet Kelly. "I didn't see you in the locker room, so I wasn't sure if you were here yet."

A fleeting thought of Gen and their fight that morning passed through Johnny's mind and he did his best to force a reassuring smile. "I decided to get dressed at home."

"Uh oh." Without waiting to be invited in, Chet frowned, walked into the office, and eased into the chair. "After nine years of working with you I know that look. What's wrong?"

Johnny leaned back in his chair and assessed his engineer. For all his faults, including his annoying split personality known as 'the phantom', Chet really was a great fireman and a good friend. One thing he'd been thankful for when he became captain of 51's B shift was having Chet assigned as his engineer. "Gen and I had a fight this morning."

Chet arched a brow. "That's all? Jeez, I thought it was something serious."

Johnny bristled at his blasé attitude. "This _is_ serious."

"Please." Chet waved a dismissive hand at him as he stood and turned away. "You and Gen are always arguing about something. Heck, you two used to bicker like a married couple before you were a married couple."

"Now that's not true!" Johnny protested.

"Oh I hate to tell you this, but it totally is true," Chet challenged. "Look, there's no doubt in anybody's mind that you and Gen are madly in love, but sometimes you two fight about the stupidest things. Honestly, I think you two get some sick enjoyment out of it."

"That's ridiculous," John scoffed.

"Not as ridiculous as you think," Chet replied, then arched a brow. "Maybe you two argue just so you can make up." He leaned against the back of an empty chair and grinned at Johnny. "You know, when we were on A shift, we were all pretty much in agreement that for you to settle down and marry her she must be a real wild cat in bed."

Somehow, Johnny managed not to roll his eyes at Chet's obvious dig for information. One thing about his relationship with Gen was that he respected her too much to ever share details of their private moments with anyone, including their 51 family. Yes, she was great in bed, but no way would he ever let Chet or anyone else know. "I know when you're trying to bate me, Kelly. It ain't gonna work."

Chet grinned and gave him a shrug. "It was worth a shot. So what did you argue about this time?"

John frowned. "I want to get Olivia a horse for her birthday, but Gen doesn't think she's old enough."

"A horse," Chet questioned. "You do know your daughter is turning three, right?"

Chet's shocked response caused Johnny's frown to deepen. Was it possible he was wrong and Gen was right? "I know that. Look, I was three when my parents got me my first horse. I just want her to share something that is so meaningful for me. I can teach her to ride and she can learn about her heritage. It can be a special bonding thing just for the two of us."

Chet appeared to consider his explanation. "Did you explain that to Gen?"

Johnny paused for a moment as he pondered Chet's question. Had he explained why giving Olivia a horse was so important to him? "No, I don't think I have," he finally replied.

"Well, why don't you tell Gen what you told me? From the first time you took her to the reservation with you she's been a huge supporter of your heritage." He grinned. "Remember how she jumped all over me for joking about you being a savage."

Johnny smiled. "Yeah I remember." Immediately, his smiled faded. "That was right before William Barlow nearly killed her in that chemical plant fire."

Chet's grin slid away. "Oh yeah. I forgot about that."

For a moment silence filled the air between them before Chet spok again. "I'd bet if you told her your reasons why you want to buy the horse, her tune might change."

Preferring to push the bad memories away Johnny turned his attention back to the moment and Chet's statement. "You think?"

"Yeah, actually I do," Chet replied.

Before Johnny could say anything else the radio crackled to life. "LA, patrol one twenty reporting a brush fire North of the Eaton Canyon hiking area. Currently, there's about five acres involved and is quickly moving North and East into Angeles National Forest. Send a full brush assignment."

Chet's eyes widened at the news, he turned and rushed toward the door as Johnny pushed up from his chair and raced out behind him They headed for the map, and had pinpointed the area just as the Klaxon sounded. "Engine 120, Engine 86, patrol 86, station 51, Engines 64 and 264, respond to the brush fire, Angeles National Forrest, North of the Eaton Canyon hiking area. Time out seven fifteen."

Johnny keyed the mic. "Station 51, KMG365." He replaced the mic, turned and ran to the closet, where he grabbed his gear, then rushed around the engine and pulled himself up into the seat.

Johnny's stomach dropped as the bay door opened and the gravity of the moment settled over him. The last brush fire he worked, he'd done so as a paramedic working under Captain Stanley. This time he was the one in charge and that thought scared him to death. "So much for hoping for an uneventful shift," he murmured as Chet hit the lights and put the engine in gear. Now all he could do was his best and pray that they all came home in once piece.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Keep this hand bandaged and dry. You may experience some mild pain for the next few days as it begins to heal. Over the counter pain relievers should do the trick," Gen offered as she finished bandaging a young woman's hand. "Make sure you follow up with your regular doctor within the next twenty four hours."

The woman nodded. "I will. Thank you."

Gen gave her a small smile. "You're welcome. Now, those stitches will need to come out in about two weeks. If for some reason you can't get to your doctor to have them removed, you can go to our out patient clinic and they'll remove them for you."

"Okay."

Gen set the remaining gauze on the tray and pushed it to the side. "Do you have any other questions?"

The woman shook her head. "No. I think I'm good."

"Okay, now as long as you follow my direction and take care of that hand you'll be good as new in a couple of weeks. It was nice meeting you."

"You too," the woman replied. "And thank you again."

"You're very welcome," Gen replied then turned to go. She stepped out into the hallway and shook her head as Mike Morton approached.

He arched a brow. "Problem?"

"Nope," Gen replied as she fell into step next to him. "Just trying to figure out how a person can slice her hand open to the point of needing stitches just by opening a coffee can."

Doctor Morton gave her statement a snort. "Between your time as a paramedic and the last couple of years here I would think that you'd be used to all the weird things we see."

Gen stopped at the nurse's station and opened the patient chart to complete her report. She grinned. "Are you trying to tell me that you've become immune to the quirkiness of human nature?"

He returned her smile. "Not in the least." He narrowed his eyes and appeared to assess her. "You look tired. Didn't you sleep well last night?"

Gen paused and met his stare. "You don't miss much do you?"

"That's my job," he replied.

"And you do it well," Gen confirmed.

"And you're not answering my question. Do you feel okay?"

Gen smirked. "I'm surrounded by mother hens."

He motioned around him. "Take a look around. Did you expect any less considering where you work?"

"No, I suppose not," Gen sighed. "Okay, so the synopsis is I woke up early this morning with a nightmare and couldn't go back to sleep. Then later Johnny and I had an argument over something that's really pretty stupid. Add into that the fact that I've been banned from having coffee, so I can't utilize the caffeine boost I'd normally get and yeah I'm a little tired and a bit cranky."

"I can see that," Mike murmured. "An maybe just a bit hormonal too."

She paused and narrowed her gaze. "I really hate how everyone keeps saying that."

"Everyone meaning Johnny," Mike corrected.

"Maybe," Gen evaded. "Really, I'm fine." She returned her attention back to the chart. "And busy. So you can stop worrying over me."

Mike leaned against the counter. "After what happened last year, we're all going to worry over you. So get used to it and-" he added, "I don't care how busy you are. Make sure you take your breaks like you're supposed to, okay? In fact-" He glanced at his watch. "I'd say it's time for your mid-morning break. Did you have breakfast? How about a muffin and some milk or a egg."

Why was it lately everyone was either trying to feed her or worrying over her getting enough rest? Gen started to ask that question only to stop when Dixie's second in command, Carol walked up. "Hey, did you guys hear?"

Gen exchanged glances with Mike then turned her attention back to the chart. "Hear what?"

"We're on standby and have been cleared for possible overtime."

"Why?" Doctor Morton asked as he reached behind Gen and grabbed a chart from the rack.

"There's a big brush fire in Angeles National Forest."

Now Gen did look up. Her gaze meeting Carol's as a quick shot of adrenaline blasted through her system. "Brush fire?"

Carol nodded. "They're calling fire companies from all over the county. From what I understand fire companies from other counties are on their way down to assist."

Without waiting for Carol to finish, Gen closed her chart, then turned and rushed toward the doctor's lounge. She pushed open the door to find Doctor Brackett and Dixie staring at the television. "Please tell me it's not as bad as Carol said."

"I'm afraid it's worse." Doctor Brackett motioned to the screen.

Gen turned to face the television and her heart sank. No matter what angle the camera's showed fire seemed to fill the picture. She reached behind her and grabbed a chair to sink into. Her attention never left the screen as dread slowly filled her.

She'd worked one brush fire while she'd been at 51's and it had been an experience like no other. Hours upon hours of heat and fear combined with sheer determination until she'd been beyond exhausted. It felt like they'd all fallen into the seventh level of hell and was having to fight their way back out.

She couldn't remember exactly how many times they'd nearly been struck by falling trees or trapped by a shift of the wind. It had been the one and only time, before Johnny's accident, when she'd questioned her ability to effectively do her job.

Her body shuddered as flashbacks danced through her mind and the fear began to build. More than likely Johnny and his crew would be smack in the middle of the beast.

"Um..." She swallowed hard. "Do...do we know who's been tapped out so far?" As much as she needed to know, she really didn't want to know. As long as the possibility existed that Johnny might be safe and sound at the station she wouldn't have to worry or at least worry more than she usually did.

Brackett turned his gaze toward her. "They're still calling companies in, so we don't have a complete list yet."

It was the answer she'd expected to receive from him. "Okay," she replied and slowly pushed out of the chair. The sudden need to busy herself set in. If she stayed occupied it would be harder for her to worry about the unknown. "We'll, I'd better get back to work."

Before she'd taken a step he moved to block her path. "Gen." He placed his hands on her shoulders, holding her in place. "I know you're worried about Johnny, but you're going to need to try hard not to, okay?"

Sometimes it still amazed her how lucky she was to have such great friends and co-workers. In this case, she was sure she had the best boss in the world. "I'm a big girl. I'll be okay," she tried to reassure him, even though in that moment she really felt like crying.

"Don't give me that, I'll be okay nonsense," he shot back. "I know how you are and I know you're going to worry."

"So what if I do worry? So I lose a little sleep?"

Her pithy reply pulled a frown from him. "You know as well as I that that body can do strange and unpredictable things when under stress. You're only in your seventh month and we don't need you going into labor early."

On instinct Gen placed a protective hand over her belly. The last thing she wanted was anything bad happening to her child. "I can't not worry about Johnny," she replied. _Especially after our fight this morning._ Fear kicked up another notch as she thought about her dad and her nightmare that morning. The mere idea of losing Johnny sent a chill slithering up her spine. Why had she been so nasty to him? Why hadn't she said I love you and have a safe day like she did every morning when he went off to work?

"I'm serious, Genevieve," Brackett warned.

"So am I," she replied as tears welled and she fought them back. "As long as he's in the belly of that beast I'm going to worry. Which is all the more reason for me to stay here and keep busy, wouldn't you agree?"

He seemed to consider her statement then sighed and exchanged glances with Dixie. "Keep an eye on her." Then without another word he turned and walked out.

For a moment Gen stared after the closed door. "Did I make him mad?"

"No," Dixie replied. "He's just concerned about you. We all know how devastated you and Johnny were when you miscarried last year and he doesn't want to see anything bad happen again."

Dixie's statement stirred more ugly memories as the familiar pain bloomed in her heart. "I-" She cleared her throat. "I've been healthy this entire pregnancy and I'll do my best to try and keep my thoughts from spinning out of control, okay?"

Dixie nodded. "That's all we can ask." She patted Gen on the arm. "Take a few minutes and get yourself together okay?"

"Okay." Gen waited for Dixie to leave, then she crossed to the couch, eased down and turned her attention back to the television as memories continued to spin through her mind.

They'd been so happy after Olivia's birth. Gen completed her classes and joined the staff in emergency at Rampart. Johnny took over as the B shift captain at 51's. While they hadn't gotten to see Roy and the rest of their A shift family as much as they liked everyone seemed to be doing well.

It was just after Olivia's first birthday she'd learned she was pregnant again. Much to her surprise Johnny had been so excited at the prospect of possibly having a son. They'd began tossing around baby names, planning out the new baby's room and figuring out the logistics of having two children instead of one.

Then Olivia contracted Chickenpox from an outbreak at daycare. Before they'd realized what was happening, Gen had become infected also. Within a week she'd been admitted to Rampart with pneumonia and despite everyone's best efforts she'd lost the baby.

Now, just as things were going well for them again, this brush fire popped up. Why did it seem as if they couldn't catch a break? She rested her hand over her belly and closed her eyes. "Please," she whispered into the air. "I need him. Olivia needs him. Our unborn baby needs him." She opened her eyes, turned to look out at the clouds in the sky. "Please keep Johnny and his crew safe."


	4. Chapter 4

The sun was just starting to set when Chet rolled the rig up to the command post, put it in park and killed the engine. John turned in his seat so he could see his tired men. He wished he could give them time to rest and recharge, but as long as the monster continued to burn that wasn't an option. "We've got ten minutes. Hit the head if you need too, then I want you guys to re-hydrate. Make sure to refill your canteens and if there's time grab something to eat, and Miller-" He pointed at his lineman. "Report to the aid station and have your eyes washed and that burn on your wrist looked at."

"Yes sir," Miller replied then slipped from his seat.

Johnny turned back to Chet. "Gonna check in with the Chief. Once you get yourself square, can you grab me some food and a drink?"

"You got it." Chet opened the door and stepped out.

Johnny rounded the front of 'Big Red' and headed into the temporary command post. "Chief McConakee."

"Gage," Chief replied. "Good work on knocking down that section of the ravine."

"Thank you, Sir."

"How's your men holding up?"

"Good." John replied. "They're tired, but I think some food and drink will help recharge their batteries. We're ready for reassignment. I gave my men ten minutes to regroup before we head back out."

Chief McConakee nodded. "Good. Be sure to grab yourself something to eat and drink, too. Oh and make sure you also tank up before you head back out."

"Yes, Sir."

"Why don't you go do that now and then come back? It will give me time to finish assessing our most recent info and I'll have a better idea where to send you."

"Will do. I'll be back in ten."

Johnny made it way over to the make shift cafeteria where he met up with Chet. "You good?"

Chet nodded and handed Johnny a small tray. "Sandwich, apple and a drink. The engine is being tanked as we speak."

"Thanks." He eased down onto the nearest bench. "Chief McConakee is assessing the most recent data. We'll have a new assignment shortly."

"Are they making progress?" Chet asked.

John nodded as he bit into his sandwich. "It's slow, but we're gaining on it."

"That's good news."

John took a drink to wash down his food. "I'm gonna try to grab a couple of minutes and call Rampart."

"You thinking about Gen again?" Chet asked.

"Yeah," John shoved the apple into his turnout pocket. He'd use that for a quick boost later. "More than likely she's worrying her head off and if I know Gen, after our fight this morning she's probably feeling a bit guilty too." He shook his head. "I know I sure am."

"From what you told me earlier, you have nothing to feel guilty about," Chet corrected.

Johnny shrugged. "Still. I always hate when we leave for work on bad terms. Things like this-" He motioned to his surroundings. "Have a way of reminding me of just how good I have it and how quickly it could all be taken away." He paused and looked at Chet. "I need to hear her voice. For my own piece of mind, I need to tell her I love her."

Johnny's handy talkie squaked. _Squad 51 to Angeles Base 1_.

 _Go ahead Squad 51._

 _Angeles Base 1 we're at a home at the end of Patterson Lane. The occupants are refusing to evacuate and the fire is coming down the ridge. Request back up to assist in removing the occupants._

 _Ten four Squad 51. Engine 51, assist Squad 51 in their evacuation._

"So much for your phone call," Chet grumbled.

John swallowed his food. "Yeah, I know." He grabbed the handy talkie and keyed the mic. "Engine 51 copy." He swallowed the last of his water, then pushed up from the bench. "Let's go."

As much as he longed to talk to Gen, it would have to wait. Miller and McCormick were already on the engine by the time Johnny and Chet raced up. Johnny opened the door and swung up into his seat. "Everyone good?"

"As we can be considering the situation," McCormick replied.

"I'll take that," Johnny said and nodded to Chet. "Let's roll."

Less than ten minutes later Chet rolled the engine past the squad and came to a halt. "Doesn't look good," he said as he stared out the windshield.

Johnny followed his gaze and he suppressed a shudder at the sight before him. A distinct fire line moved across the ridge and was quickly making it's way toward them. "We need to make quick work of this."

"And get the hell out of here," Chet added.

John leaped from the Engine and motioned to his men. "Miller, McCormick, pull two-inch and a halves and keep that fire back from the house. We only need to keep it at bay long enough to evacuate the residents." Without waiting to hear their acknowledgment he rushed toward the house, blasted through the front door and began to shout. "Ridley? Philips?"

"Back corner bedroom," Ridley yelled. "Down the hallway and to the right."

John followed the sound of Thomas Ridley's voice and rounded the corner into the room, where he came up short at the scene in front of him. Ken Philips knelt next to the bed where an elderly woman lay. An elderly man, who John could only assume was her husband stood on the far side of the bed, watching them. "Ridley, a report."

His paramedic gave him a quick glance then pulled him into the hall. "The woman is an invalid. The old man is her husband and he's insisting that they're not leaving their house. From what he's told us he's been outside all day watering down the roof."

Johnny looked over Ridley's shoulder toward the window. The fire's glow was growing brighter by the minute. Even with his engine crew fighting to keep their ground, it would only be a matter of time before they'd need to relinquish the ground and retreat. "We don't have the manpower to save the house. They're going to have to evacuate."

Ridley nodded. "I agree, but we've argued with him until we're both blue in the face. The old man won't budge." He angled a thumb toward the homeowner. "You want to try giving it a shot? Maybe he'll listen to you."

On a sigh, Johnny moved into the room. He understood not wanting to lose everything they'd worked so hard for, but was the house and belongings worth their lives? "Sir. My name is Captain John Gage."

"Alcott," the man replied. "Samuel Alcott. This is my wife Jeanie."

"Nice to meet you Mr. Alcott and I wish it could be under better circumstances, but I'm afraid you're going to have to evacuate your home."

The man's look of determination solidified. "Jeanie and I have lived here all our lives. We raised our children here and we're not leaving our home."

Johnny pulled off his hat and raked a hand through his hair. "Mr. Alcott, please try and understand. The fire is coming this way and my men are not going to be able to keep it at bay for long. I'm really sorry, but you don't have a choice here. You and your wife need to leave with us."

The man took a slow step forward. "Now you see here, young man. Nobody. Not you or anyone else is going to force me out of my home." His voice grew louder with each step he took forward and Johnny took back. "So you can take your men and-" The rest of his sentence immediately died away as his eyes widened and he grabbed at his chest.

"Mr. Alcott?" Johnny reached for him only to have the man collapse in his arms. _Just great!_ The last thing he needed right now was a medical emergency. "Ridley. Philips," Johnny called and went to the ground with the elderly man.

Immediately his paramedics moved in. "We got him, Cap. Can you grab our gear?"

John nodded and eased away. He raced through the house and out to the squad where Chet met him. "What's going on?"

"Looks like a possible heart attack," John replied as he flung open the squad doors and began pulling out the gear. "We're going to need help evacuating the couple."

Chet glanced from the squad over his shoulder and back. "Not to be a Chicken Little, but the sky _is_ falling and it's going to be falling right on us if we don't get out of here soon."

"Believe me, I know," John snapped. "Tell Miller and McCormick to hold their ground and protect that house."

"Yes, Sir."

John disappeared back into the house with all the gear he could carry. He handed the pieces over one by one to Philips. "Don't waste any time. I'm not sure how long the boys can hold the line."

"We'll do our best," Philips replied.

John turned and raced back out of the house and pulled the handy talkie from his pock. "Engine 51 to Angeles Base 1."

"Go ahead Engine 51."

"Base, we have a medical Emergency at this location and the fire is bearing down on us. Request you divert a chopper for water drop and immediate evacuation."

"Ten four, 51. We will divert."

"Cap!" Miller yelled, catching John's attention. "We're losing ground!"

The roar of burning trees filled his ears, ratcheting up his anxiety. If Ridley and Philips didn't hurry up they'd all be in trouble. "Hold your ground," shouted back. "Protect that house."

"Engine 51 to Angeles Base 1, the fire is bearing down on us. Our victim can't be moved yet. We need reinforcements now."

"Copy 51. If you can't save the house, suggest you abandon."

Weren't they listening? "I repeat, if we move our victim right now we risk losing him. Without helps we'll be trapped. We need reinforcements."

"Copy 51. Chopper one ten is en route. We'll also send an engine company your way. Evacuate as soon as you can and notify us when you do."

"She's gaining on us," McCormick shouted. "We can't hold her."

"Just two more minutes," John shouted. "Hold your ground."

Fear climbed up his throat as he darted back into the house.

"We're losing ground. We have to move now!" he ordered as he rounded the corner into the bedroom.

"If we move him now we'll lose him," Philips replied.

"If we don't move right now we all die," Johnny argued. He hated having to make the decision, but it was either one life or all eight of them. "Get him in the stokes, now."

Philips opened his mouth to argue only to have John cut him off. "That's an order." He motioned to the elderly woman. "I'll carry her out." He turned and was just about to reach for her when a muffled shout from outside pierced the air. "Get out of there!"

John cut his gaze to the window in time to see the giant tree outside the window now engulfed in flames. As if he were watching some horror movie in slow motion he stared as the tree began to shake, then it was falling toward them. "Look out!" he shouted, but his voice was drowned out by the sound of breaking glass, splintering wood and the screams of his men.


	5. Chapter 5

Shouts blended with the cry of sirens and the distinct drone of a helicopter to create a cacophony of sounds loud enough to induce chaos. Johnny jerked at the putrid stench of wet, burned wood and stale smoke mixed with the sickening smell of charred flesh and blood...too much blood. Slowly, he opened his eyes and experienced a moment of panic as the reality of his situation chased away the fog in his brain.

He could hear men shouting to each other and the sounds of debris being moved. If he just remained calm they'd eventually find him. Water trickled over the charred embers and dripped steadily over Johnny's head, down his temple and along his neck. In another place it dripped through the splintered pieces of wood and tree branches, soaking his shirt beneath his ripped turn-out. He barely managed to stifle a groan as he struggled to shift to a more comfortable position. From the hair on his head to the tips of his toes everything hurt, but the fact that he was in pain wasn't lost on him. It meant he was still alive. All he could do was hope everyone else was too.

Despite the pain he pushed against the splintered and broken timbers. Nothing moved. Damn it! He needed to free himself and check on his men.

" Johnny!" Chet's voice pierced through the noise. "Gage answer me!"

"Yeah," Johnny gave a shout, then immediately wished he hadn't as his head and chest began to throb. Just how badly was he hurt? "I'm here," he added. _Where ever here is_.

"Cap?" Miller called out. "Cap, you okay?"

Was he okay? From his current position Johnny couldn't tell. "I don't know. I think so." Even if he wasn't, he'd figure out a way to be okay until he knew everyone else was fine. Above him several sections of debris began disappearing, bringing him closer to reality. The moment felt surreal as he blankly stared up through the broken pieces of roof at the near twilight above. What in the hell just happened?

Chet reached for him. "You sure you're okay?"

Johnny grabbed his hand and began pulling himself up. It seemed as if pain flared in every muscle as he stood and he did his best not to wince. "I'm fine," he said a bit breathless.

"Hey, easy," Chet scolded. "You don't know for sure. Just because you're standing and talking doesn't mean you're not hurt."

"I said I was fine." Johnny grabbed Chet's other hand and allowed Chet to completely pull him free of the debris.

"You just had a burning tree fall on you. Are you positive you're not hurt anywhere?" Chet eyed him warily. "That was crazy scary."

"Yeah, I know. I was there," John replied as he took a moment to gain his balance, he did a quick self assessment. Blood oozed from his head in several places. The skin on his shoulder, directly beneath where his turnout was torn, felt tight and stung like a bitch. _Probably burned._ His chest hurt something fierce and everywhere he looked he seemed to be covered in scratches and cuts. Nothing that appeared too serious, which meant his needs could wait. He turned back to assess the scene and immediately wished he hadn't. The elderly woman he'd reached for only moments earlier now lay on the bed with a large tree branch protruding from her chest. Her wide eyes empty and lifeless. If the timing had been any different that would have been him instead. Guilt and regret bloomed in his already aching chest and Johnny swallowed hard as he turned away from the sight. His attention cut to the base of the tree and the pair of boots sticking out from beneath it. _Ridley!_

"Oh God, Ridley!" It was everything Johnny could do to make his legs move even as he began calling out orders. "Miller get the chainsaw, Kelly get-"

"Johnny." The familiar voice caused John to stop mid-sentence. He turned to find his best friend moving his direction. Relief washed through him. Roy was there with his crew to help.

Johnny motioned to the tree. "Ridley's trapped." He moved back toward the tree trunk only to feel a hand on his arm, stopping his forward motion.

"Johnny."

John shot Roy an incredulous look. "What are you doing? We need to help him."

Unbelievably, and maybe because he knew Johnny well enough to know what he needed, Roy remained completely calm. " _We_ are going to help him. _You_ are injured and in shock. You need to stand aside and let us work."

"I'm fine," John argued.

"You're not fine," Roy shot back. "You're bleeding, limping and from just my visual assessment I'd say you're probably suffering from a concussion. Now you need to go outside, sit down and wait to be treated."

"What I need is to-Wait?" _What had Roy said?_ "What do you mean wait to be treated?" In that moment it dawned on him that Philips and the elderly man were missing. "Where's Philips?"

Roy's gaze traveled to the open doorway. His look somber. John froze. _Oh please no!_

Roy placed a hand on John's shoulder. "Johnny, let us get Ridley out. You go on and see if you can help my paramedics with Philips and the old man."

Feeling more than a little defeated, slowly John turned his attention back to the tree then over to the elderly woman before he finally nodded and stumbled his way out the door. For the first time since he'd come to, he allowed himself to indulge in his own suffering.

Pain flared in his chest and his vision blurred as he used the damaged walls for support while he slowly made his way down the hall. No matter how injured he might be, he'd be damned if he'd end up on his back being wheeled into Rampart on a stretcher. That certainly wouldn't be good for Gen. Besides, he was a Captain now and he had his pride. The sounds of Ridley's rescue followed him. A rescue he should have been leading. A rescue that shouldn't need to have happened in the first place. He smirked at his own thoughts. _Some Captain you are Gage. You couldn't protect your own men and now you can't even help rescue them._

He stepped onto the porch and noted the chopper waiting a short distance from them. Then he spotted Greg Majors and Andrew Williams, Roy's medics from station thirty nine. One was working on the old man. The other tended to an eerily still Philips. The lump now lodged in John's throat grew a little bigger as terror fought its way to the surface. The biggest fear any Captain faced was losing one of his men. Right now there was a very real possibility he could lose two from his crew.

Johnny made his way to where they were staged. The charred grass crunched beneath his unsteady feet. Even if he couldn't help inside hopefully he could make a difference out here. He dropped to his knees next to Philips and stared down at his unconscious man. Johnny choked on the words. "H-how bad is he?"

Williams shook his head. "Severe head injury, broken wrist, burns to the back of his right arm and shoulder, possible internal bleeding and possible paralysis in the legs. He's relatively stable for the moment."

As the information sank in all Johnny could do was nod. It tore him up that Philips was in such a bad way and he prayed the man wouldn't be paralyzed. Still, he was alive and right now, that meant everything. John turned to face Roy's other medic Mike Majors. "How's Mr. Alcott?"

"Critical," Majors replied. "Not sure he's gonna make it." He eyed Johnny. "You okay, Captain Gage?"

Johnny nodded then sat back on his heels. In reality he was far from okay, but he needed to stay strong for his men. "I'm fine." Took a deep breath and worked to ignore nagging pain in his chest as turned his attention to where McCormick worked with the rest of Roy's engine crew and the truck company from one ten as they hosed down hot spots.

 _How in the hell did I and the others not ended up being consumed by the flames?_

"The chopper arrived just as the tree fell," Williams stated. "Your men directed it to drop it's load on top of the house. We pulled up at the same time and immediately hit the fire line."

For a moment Johnny stared blankly at Williams wondering how the young paramedic knew what he was thinking. It took several seconds longer than it probably should have for him to realize he must have verbalized his thoughts.

William's continued. "We were able to knock down the flames and drive the fire around the back of the house instead of over it. Once we had a good handle on the flames, Majors and I broke off with Captain DeSoto and began the process of searching for victims."

Johnny listed to the paramedic's elaborate answer while he surveyed his surroundings through blurry eyes. He noted the scorched siding on the home and the deep sea of black behind it. Another couple of seconds and that could have been him and the others. As good as McCormick and Miller were, no way could they have managed such a huge task without help. He was wrong to have pushed them to stand their ground.

He closed his eyes, tilted his face skyward. If only they'd been called out sooner. If only they'd arrived sooner. If only he'd been more forceful with Mr. Alcott about leaving. If only...

Just then the men working inside burst through the front door carrying Thomas Ridley. "We need medical help now!"


	6. Chapter 6

Only slightly tired Gen walked down the hall of emergency toward the nurse's station. After taking a long break she was back and ready to help in any way she could. While Alyssa and Mike had tried to talk her into staying for reasons she couldn't quite explain, she knew this was where she needed to be. Besides, sitting around their house would only perpetuate her worrying.

As she passed by, the door to treatment room three opened and immediately Kel Brackett fell in step next to her. "What are you doing back here?" he asked. "Your shift was over two hours ago."

She fully expected his backlash when she made the decision to come return. "First of all, I'm on call for overtime. Second, you can use the extra hands and third, I need to be here."

"Gen, you're pregnant-"

"Right," she cut him off and stopped forcing him to stop also. "I'm pregnant. That's not the same thing as being injured, sick or an invalid and I'm a little tired of everyone treating me with kid gloves."

He gave her a look of reproach that nearly had her apologizing. Nearly.

"As a doctor and more importantly, as your friend, I'm trying to do what's right for you and your unborn child," he argued.

His statement had a fresh batch of guilt swimming to the surface. She hadn't meant to be quite so snippy with him, but she needed him to understand. "I'm sorry I was terse, but I need you to understand something."

"What's that?"

"Even if I was home, there's no way I could rest knowing Johnny's still working the fire. If I'm home I have nothing to take my mind off worrying about him and what he's doing. At least here I can focus on other things." She placed a hand on his arm. "Doc, I need to be here."

For a moment he said nothing, then he slowly began to nod. "I think I get it, but what about Olivia?"

"I took her home, fed her, then took her to Alyssa and Mike's. Olivia loves their little one, Brandon, so she's always well behaved for them because as long as she is, Alyssa allows her to 'help'-" Gen air quoted the word. "With the baby. Plus, it's nearly her bed time and since Mike is now in arson investigation he's home most nights to help Alyssa if she needs it."

Kel arched a brow. "Well I guess you have everything figured out then."

Gen gave his statement a shake as a spike of fear struck. "Not everything. I can't figure out how to stop worrying about Johnny."

On a sign, Kel shook his head and slid an arm around her. "Come on, little mother. Let's see if we can find you some light duty until you get tired."

More grateful for his understanding that he could possibly know, she gave him a full on hug. "Thank you. I really appreciate this."

"You're welcome, he replied. "Just promise me that when you get tired you'll tell us and go sack out on the couch in my office."

She grinned as they reached the bay station. "I promise."

The light above the bay station room lit, catching her attention. "I'll get it."

She stepped into the room and keyed the mic. "Unit calling in repeat."

"Rampart, Squad 51," Paramedic Thomas Ridley's voice carried over the speaker and she jerked at the sound. No matter how many calls she took at the bay station, she still got that familiar jolt whenever it was 51 calling in.

"Go ahead 51."

"Rampart, we have a male, approximately 70 years of age, he's collapsed after becoming agitate. Blood pressure is ninety over sixty, pulse is 120, respiration is 30 and labored. Sending you a strip. Are you receiving?"

Gen quickly wrote down the vitals, turned on the machine to receive the EKG reading. "We receive, 51." Then she opened the door and caught Doctor Brackett's attention. "51 has a possible heart attack."

He dropped what he was doing and slid into the room behind her. She watched as he read the EKG strip. "Mmm...definitely a heart attack," he murmured. "51 I read sinus tachycardia . Start IV D5W, administer 2 amps sodium bicarb and send me another strip."

"10/4 rampart, IV D5W-" Ridley's sentence trailed off and Gen's body jerked as she heard Johnny's voice in the background.

"We're losing ground. We have to move now!"

"If we move him now we'll lose him," she heard Philips argue.

"If we don't move right now we all die," Johnny shot back and Gen sucked in a quick breath. What exactly was happening on their end? "Get him in the stokes, now. That's an order."

Brackett keyed the mic. "51 are you in danger?"

"Affirmative Rampart," Ridley replied. "We need-" His statement was cut off by Johnny's shout of look out, then the sounds of chaos and pain.

"Oh God," Gen gasped. "Johnny!"

Brackett eyed her then hit the mic again. "51 do you copy?"

 _Silence!_

"51 are you all right?"

Dixie pushed on the bay station door. "You guys need to hear this."

Gen stepped out the door in time to hear the scanner crackle to life. "Angeles Base 1 this is Engine 51," Chet's voice carried through the speaker. "We've had a burning tree collapse on a house. We have firemen and civilians trapped. Need immediate assistance. Repeat, firemen and civilians trapped. Need immediate assistance."

"Engine 51, chopper 110, where do you want my water drop?"

"Directly on the house 110," Chet shouted. "And hurry."

"Engine 51, Engine and squad 39, we'll be there in less than a minute," Roy's voice followed.

"Engine 51, Engine 110, we're right behind Engine 39."

Gen stared at the scanner and thought about her dream that morning. _Please no. Please don't take him away from me!_

"Gen? Genevieve, look at me," Doctor Brackett forced her to look up at him and away from the scanner. "Don't jump to conclusions, all right?"

"Y-you, heard him," she replied in a shaky voice. "He was in that house."

"I know, but that doesn't mean he's hurt. You said you wanted to be here to help right?"

She nodded, wondering where he was going with the question.

"Okay, then I need you to keep it together and do your job. Can you do that for me?"

She sucked in a deep breath and give him another nod. Johnny would want her to be strong and Kel was right, she wanted to be here to help and to keep herself busy. Now more than ever she needed to do both those things. "I can do that."

The alarm above the bay station room went off again. Kel headed back in, but Gen could only manage to stand in the doorway and listen.

"Rampart, Squad 39."

"Go ahead 39"

"Rampart we currently have two victims and expect to have three more shortly." They went through the same information about the elderly man as 51 had done.

"Victim 2 is a 25 year old male..." The rest of his sentence trailed away from Gen as she wrestled with the news. Johnny was still trapped and probably injured. Possibly dead."

"Come on," Dixie's gentle voice broke through Gen's thoughts. She placed a hand on Gen's shoulder. "We need to get some treatment rooms set up."

Despite wanting to curl up in a ball and cry, Gen forced her feet to move. She followed Dixie out and down the hallway. Slowly, she began setting up treatment room one, and had just moved to room 2 with Dixie when Brackett walked in. He scanned the room, settled his attention on Gen. "From what they told me in the field, Johnny's alive and while injured, it doesn't sound as if he's too bad. He's walking and talking and assisting with treatment on the others."

Dixie motioned to the door. "With five coming in, we'll need two more doctors and at least one more treatment room."

"There's only four right now. One died at the scene," Brackett corrected. "Alert OR to set up for 2. Ridley and Philips are both going to need surgery."

Gen waited a moment while she absorbed that news. _Johnny was alive!_ Now they just needed to keep his crew alive. "What do you need from me?" Gen asked.

"I'll need an extra set of hands," Kel replied. "With four victims, there was only room in the chopper for one of 39's paramedics. So we're going to need all the help we can get."

For the next ten minutes Gen rushed around preparing the treatment rooms. She'd just stepped out in the hallway when the doors burst open. Major's from 39 raced in first next to the gurney holding Philips. "His pressure is dropping."

"Doctor Morton is waiting in one," Gen directed then turned to see the second gurney roll in a cover over the person. "DOA," the attendant stated.

Gen lifted the sheet and winced. "Down stairs," she replied, then turned to find the third gurney rolling in. Johnny stood on the rail, performing chest compression's on Ridley. Blood oozed from John's temple, soaking his hair and the collar of his shirt. She noted how his shirt around the shoulder was ripped and it appeared he'd suffered a bad burn beneath. Over all, he didn't look to bad considering the situation. Relief flooded through her, but it only lasted a moment.

"We're losing him," Johnny stated.

"Into treatment three," she motioned to the attendants, then followed him in.

Ten minutes later orderlies were rushing Ridley out of treatment three for the nearest available operating room. She watched them go, then turned back to Johnny. "Let me look at you."

Before she could begin assessing him, he pulled her against him. She felt him flinch, heard him suck in a pained breath, but he didn't let go. "I love you," he whispered against her hair.

Tears welled and she sucked in a ragged breath. "I love you too." A small sob escaped as her already wayward emotions began pouring out. "Ridley left the bio-phone open," she murmured. "We heard everything. I was so scared."

"So was I," he replied as he held her. "So was I." They stood there for what felt like an eternity, simply holding each other. It didn't take long for her to notice something wasn't right. "You're wheezing," she observed and pulled back to face him. "How much smoke did you eat?"

He started to shake his head, appeared to catch himself and stopped. _Yep, probably a concussion there._ "Not much that I'm aware of."

She arched a brow. "That you're aware of? Did you lose consciousness?"

Silence met her question and she immediately knew the answer. "On the treatment table with you, Mister. I'm getting Doctor Brackett."

"Yeah, maybe I better," John mumbled. "I'm beginning to not feel so good." He started for the exam table as she turned to open the door. Before he'd taken three steps his gate slowed, he listed to one side, stumbled, then dropped to his knees.

Panic flashed through her like a lightning strike. "Johnny!" She turned and yanked open the door. "Hey, I need help in here, stat."

By the time she let go of the door and reached Johnny he was laying on his side coughing up blood and struggling to breathe.


	7. Chapter 7

I _apologize for moving so fast through this story, but right now it's just pouring out of me and I figured I better write while it's coming so easily, because at any point i could hit is snag or get really busy. Hope you all don't mind._

* * *

Gen allowed Dixie guide her into the break room. Seeing johnny spitting up blood had pushed her past her breaking point. She'd done what she'd needed to to help. She'd started his IV, took his pulse and blood pressure and even managed to draw blood for testing, but she hadn't been able to stop the tears.

The moment she'd allowed a small sob to escape, Brackett had Dixie escorting her from the room. Maybe it had been for the best. It was one thing to work on people she knew, but she'd never had to treat Johnny for anything more serious than the occasional stitches or minor burn.

Her mind, being the continual purveyor of everything bad, immediately drew upon memories from when her father died. The CPR she'd provided in his last moments had been the last time she'd treated anyone she seriously loved. No matter how much she'd wanted to be there for Johnny right now, she simply couldn't.

Feeling defeated and ashamed for not being stronger she'd kissed Johnny on the forehead then left without a fight. Now, as she hit the security of break room she let the tears flow.

"Now why all the tears? You're usually stronger than this," Dixie asked.

Gen wiped her eyes and sniffled. "I know, it's this being pregnant business. Don't get me wrong when I say this, because I love Olivia with all my heart and I already love this one so much, but I really hate being pregnant." She practically flopped herself down onto the couch."It turns me into a blubbering idiot."

Dixie gave her a small smile as she eased down next to her. "It's all the extra hormones you're dealing with."

"I know and I hate it," Gen grumbled. "Normally, I can think logically, even when my mind wants to spin everything out of control, but when I'm pregnant it's as if logic takes a vacation or something." She looked up at Dixie as a fresh batch of shame washed through her. "I couldn't do it, Dix. Johnny needed me and I couldn't hold it together. What if I'd been his only help?"

Dixie reached for her hand, held it. "Then you would have held it together and done what was necessary, but that wasn't the case here and somewhere deep inside, you knew that."

For a moment she considered Dixie's argument. "Maybe, she sighed. I'm just so scared right now." With her free hand she once again swiped away her tears then placed it protectively over her belly. "I've never loved anyone the way I love Johnny and I'm terrified I'm gonna lose him." She shook her head. "I don't want my children growing up not knowing their father."

"Now you stop that right now," Dixie scolded. "We all know Johnny is tough and there's no way he's going anywhere without a fight. You'll see. He'll be back to his old self and ready to spoil that new baby in no time."

Gen thought back on the fight she and Johnny had that morning. It seemed so trivial in comparison to what they now faced. Oh what she wouldn't do to take it all back right now? "I hope so, This day has been so hard. I'm not sure how much more I can take."

"Come on now," Dixie replied. "God doesn't give anyone more than he thinks they can handle. Besides, you know what it's like being a fireman and you knew when you married Johnny what you were getting yourself into."

Gen managed to give her a small smile. "I know. I did and I married him anyway."

"That's right, you did and why?"

Gen's heart flooded with love as memories of their first kiss bubbled to the surface and her stomach did that same familiar tumble that happened whenever he kissed her.

Her thoughts immediately fast forwarded to the night when they'd first made love and the new and wonderful feelings he incited. Nobody had ever made her feel that way, and even now all he had to do was look at her a certain way, or simply place a hand on her and she was his to command.

"He's my soul mate," Gen whispered as she held Dixie's gaze. Even as she said the words memories continued to flood her mind. She remembered how he'd reacted when they'd found out she was pregnant and the way he looked at her when they got married, as if she was the most beautiful, most important person on the planet.

 _Thank you for walking into my life. For being my friend. For falling in love with me. Thank you for giving me everything I ever wanted, even if I didn't know it at first._ His words from when Olivia was born rattled around in her head. He'd been so sincere when he said them and with the exception of her prior miscarriage they'd been insanely happy. Until now.

The sound of the door opening caught Gen's attention and she looked up to find Doctor Brackett staring at her. Embarrassed by her inability to keep it together and frightened for Johnny, she couldn't bring herself to say a word.

"He's gonna be fine," Brackett said.

 _He's gonna be fine!_ Gen felt the power of those four little words as her body slowly began to relax.

"Really?" Oh man, she was going to start crying again. What a freaking baby she'd become. Stupid hormones.

Kel smiled, then crossed to the room and eased down next to her. "Would I lie to you?"

She smiled. "No."

"It looked a lot worse than it was," he began. "Now he _is_ in pretty bad shape, but I'm confident he's eventually going to be okay."

Feeling a little better about the situation Gen ventured to ask, "So what are we looking at?"

"Well, for starters he has a mild concussion, a second degree burn on his shoulder and a myriad of cuts and scratches. Some which needed stitches. The most serious injury he's facing is a pulmonary contusion to his right lung."

Gen did a quick check of her mental library. _Pulminary contusion is a brused lung. Side effects can include shortness of breath or wheezing, fast heart rate, chest pain, coughing, spitting up blood_...

"So that's where the blood came from?" she asked.

He nodded, "He must have suffered a blow to his chest during the accident. The x-rays revealed a hairline fracture to his sternum and three cracked ribs. All were over his right lung. I'm actually kinda shocked that he was able to do much of anything, let alone perform CPR on Ridley."

"Johnny's a tough cookie," Dixie observed.

"That he is," Brackett agreed.

Gen nodded in agreement. "So what's next?"

"I sent him for surgery to insert a chest tube."

She eyed him with some concern. Johnny never did well coming out of anesthesia. She suspected it had something to do with the car accident from his childhood that took his parents lives, but he refused to talk about it and she'd never pushed. Still, considering the type of injury he suffered a chest tube was a smart precaution. Still, it meant Johnny would be hospital bound for awhile. "You're worried about his lung collapsing?"

"Among other complications," he replied, then patted her leg, "Just so you know, I'm bending the rules a little."

She cocked her head to the side. "How?"

"Well, once he's out of recovery instead of going to the ICU on the operations floor we're going to put him on our recovery floor in a private room. "We've already worked it out that one of the floor nurses help you keep watch over him."

"Me?" Gen gave him a grateful smile He was giving her a chance to make up for her earlier misstep. This time she wasn't going to let him down. "You have no idea how much I appreciate that."

He smirked. "It's the only way I knew I could guarantee that you'd get some rest." He leveled a look at her that made Gen squirm. "Now I mean it when I say you're going to have help watching him. The room has two beds and I expect you to use that second bed to get some sleep, got it?"

"Got it." She paused as she thought back on the last few hours. So much stress. So much chaos.

Nearly losing Johnny. It was a risk she knew existed long before they'd gotten married, yet she'd accepted it because she loved him. Only when real life and death situations arose it was so much harder to accept. Thank God she was surrounded by such goodhearted, understanding and talented friends.

 _Speaking of talented friends._

"By the way? How's Ridley and Philips doing?" she asked, knowing Johnny would want an update once he got settled.

Bracket's look turned somber. "Philips suffered two crushed vertebrae and second degree burns to his right leg, arm and chest. Once he's out of surgery he'll go to the burn ward."

From his body language, Gen was sure Brackett was leaving something out. "And?" she prompted despite not really wanting to know.

"And he's most likely never going to walk again," Brackett added.

She took a deep breath as she processed the information. "Are they sure?"

"We you know as well as I that medicine isn't an exact science, Gen. They're probably about seventy five percent sure right now, but they'll only really know once the swelling goes down."

Johnny certainly wouldn't take that news well. "What about Ridley?" Knowing Ridley arrived in worse shape that Philips, she suspected the news wouldn't be any better.

"He coded on the operating table," he replied. "I'm sorry, Gen. There wasn't anything anyone could do."

Gen closed her eyes and took another deep breath as she struggled to deal with the news.

It was only a couple of months after Johnny became Captain at 51 when Ridley, fresh out of training, was assigned as one of his two new paramedics. After hearing story after story about Roy and John's multiple rescues, Thomas Ridley had been awe struck at having Johnny as his Captain.

Before long he was spending time with Gen and John on his days off, learning everything he could from Johnny and doing everything he could to impress his new Captain.

On more than one occasion Johnny had mentioned how he could see so much of himself in Ridley and how he begun to consider Ridley to be the younger brother he never had.

They'd grown so close over the past couple of years. Johnny was going to be devastated.

"So-" She cleared her voice and tried again. "So out of 5 victims, 3 died and while the other two will survive, they'll never fully recover."

Brackett frowned. "Now that's not necessarily true. Johnny's injuries should eventually heal without any lasting effects and there's always the possibility that once Philips' injuries heal a little, we might find out they're not as bad as they appear."

"Right, Doc. Maybe Philips might walk again...maybe. And yes Johnny's physical injuries will heal." She leveled a look at him. "I'm not so sure about the emotional ones."


	8. Chapter 8

It was after eleven by the time Johnny left surgical recovery and was rolled into a private room.

While he was awake, it was obvious his cogitative abilities were still impaired by the remnants of the anesthesia as it appeared as if he couldn't complete a coherent sentence. Gen followed the orderlies, nurse and doctor in to the room, then waited while they gently shifted him from the gurney to the bed. She moved in behind Jill, the nurse assigned to Johnny and began helping to check his IV, oxygen, and chest tube drain then adjusted his pillow and blanket. Once they were both satisfied he was comfortable, Jill excused herself and Gen turned to head to the empty bed.

Johnny's hand latching onto her arm stopped her. She turned back to find his half-lidded and unfocused eyes staring at her. "Don't go," he murmured.

She turned fully now and gave him a small smile as she gently combed her fingers through his hair. "I'm not going anywhere. Brackett arranged a private room for you. It has an extra bed so I can stay with you."

Her answer earned a small nod from him. "Good. N-need you,' he whispered.

A small lump formed in her throat as she stared down at him. When was the last time he'd said those words to her? "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere, okay?"

He nodded again as his eye lids began to droop. "Afraid-" he whispered as his hand slowly slipped from her arm. "Never see you again."

He wasn't the only one who'd wrestled with that fear. She wanted to tell him that, but thought better of it. Right now he was relying on her to be strong..

His eyelids closed all the way now and Gen gently moved in, lowered her head and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "It's over. Just sleep now okay."

"M'kay. Love u."

"I love you too," she whispered. "I'll be here when you wake up."

When he didn't stir, she turned away and walked to the other bed. Until that moment she hadn't realize exactly how tired she was, but every muscle in her body seemed to ache with fatigue. She crawled into the empty bed, fluffed the pillow, turned on her side to face him, then pulled the blanket up over her and watched him sleep. As exhaustion slowly began to seep through her and sleep tugged at her eyes, she took a moment to send a prayer of thanks to the spirits above that looked over him.

Though she had to admit, while he was alive and his physical injuries would heal, she knew the drama was far from over. With that many people injured and dead the department would launch an investigation. Which meant, for the time being, Johnny's career was in jeopardy.

Then there was the emotional aspect of the situation. When he took command of 51's B shift, Johnny's biggest fear had been making a mistake that might cost his men their lives. Now that fear may have very well come true. Just how well would he deal with the aftermath? If she knew her husband the way she thought she did, Gen would bet not very well.

When Gen opened her eyes again sunlight was doing it's best to peek its way around the closed curtains. She shifted, glanced at her watch and was more than surprised to find it nearly eight in the morning. Had she really slept all night without hearing Johnny stir? So much for proving to Doctor Brackett that she could take care of Johnny.

The door opened and Jill walked in. "Hey," she whispered with a smile. "You're awake."

Gen nodded and pushed herself up in bed. "Yeah. I can't believe I slept all the way through the night." She frowned. "Some help I was."

Jill patted her on the leg. "Don't worry about it. You didn't wake because nothing happened. Johnny's night was completely uneventful. In fact you both slept like babies." She paused and appeared to give Gen a good long look. "From the looks of things, I think you both needed it too."

"Yeah." Gen raked a hand through her hair. "I guess I did." Remembering what Jill just said, she glanced over at Johnny. "So he had an uneventful night?"

Jill nodded. "All was good. In fact, the only reason I'm here now is to let you know I'm officially off shift."

Gen tossed the blanket off her and swung her legs over the side of the bed. "Thanks, Jill. I've got it from here."

"I figured you would." She glanced at Johnny then back to Gen. "I hope he's better soon."

"Me too," Gen replied. "Hey, you have a good day."

"Yeah, you too," Jill replied.

She waited for Jill to leave, then pushed off the mattress and crossed to Johnny's bed. Slowly, he opened his eyes and stared at her. "Hi," he whispered then gave a hard swallow.

"Hi," she replied. "How you feeling?"

"Sore." He slowly shifted in the bed. "Everywhere. You know I was hoping yesterday was nothing more than a bad dream." His expression soured. "No such luck."

She brushed the hair from his eyes. "Unfortunately, no, it wasn't a bad dream."

For a moment he remained silent, then he looked up at her. "Mr. and Mrs. Alcott both died."

"Was that the elderly couple's name?" Gen asked.

He nodded. "She was an invalid and he refused to let us evacuate them. I tried..." his sentence faded off as his gaze took on a far away look.

"What did you try?" she prompted, hoping that by keeping him talking he might heal more quickly.

"I tried to get them to leave. Mr. Alcott had a heart attack. I told the guys to hold the line while Ridley and Philips worked on Mr. Alcott." His eyes widened, as if he just remembered something important. "Ridley and Philips. How are they?"

And there it was...the question she'd known was coming and was dreading having to answer. "I really don't think you need to worry about them right now," she stalled.

"I'm their Captain," Johnny argued. "I do need to worry about them and I have a right to know how they are. Now are you going to tell me or do I have to hit my call button to get answers?"

Knowing there wasn't any way around the situation, Gen lowered the bed rail and eased a hip onto the mattress. "Philips is in the burn ward with second degree burns. He underwent surgery last night for crushed vertebrate in his spine. He um..." she cleared her throat. "He may not walk again."

Johnny closed his eyes, drew in a deep breath. "And Ridley?"

God she didn't want to do this. "He died during surgery."

She watched as Johnny's face screwed into a pained expression, then he did the one thing she'd never seen him do in all the years she'd known him. Tears trickled down his cheeks and he sucked in a ragged breath, then grabbed at his side.

Careful of his chest tube, Gen moved closer then turned and slid onto the bed next to him. Feeling more than a little helpless, she cradled him against her and did the only thing she could do. Let him cry.

An hour later, already emotionally drained, Gen stepped out of the room as the doctor on call assessed Johnny's condition. Feeling heartbroken and helpless, she started down the hall with every intention of forcing herself to eat some breakfast. After all, no matter how sad she felt, she had someone besides herself to worry about and she still needed to eat.

She'd just made it to the end of the hall when she turned the corner and nearly bumped into Marco Lopez.

At the sight of him, a small smile tipped her lips as she leaned in and gave him a hug. "Oh my God, Marco. I haven't seen you in months."

"No kidding," Marco replied as he pulled back and assess her. "Last time I saw you, you were only one person." He pressed a hand to her belly. "I had no idea you two were expecting another one. When are you due?"

"A couple of months," Gen replied. "If you came around more often you'd know that."

Marco looked sufficiently repentant. "I know. We all promised we'd say in touch, but I've been so busy in my new position. If feels as if all I've been doing this past year is learning my new job, eating and sleeping."

Gen cocked her head to the side. "New position? I thought you were stationed with the fire police."

I was and then I accepted another position with better pay and better hours.

"Oh yeah?" She asked. "What are you doing now?"

"I work for internal affairs."


	9. Chapter 9

Gen jerked at his statement and awareness slowly seeped in. "You're here to interrogate Johnny about what happened."

Her statement pulled a frown from Marco. "I'm not going to interrogate anyone, Gen. I just need to talk to him and get his side of what happened out there yesterday."

Gen glanced back down the hallway toward Johnny's room. She knew this was coming, but so soon? "Does it have to be right this minute?" she asked and took a not so subtle step back and to the side, placing herself between Marco and Johnny's door. "He just found out about Ridley and Philips and he's pretty upset."

Marco nodded. "I understand and I'm sorry really sorry about that, but I have my orders."

With his answer panic began to build. No way was Johnny in the right frame of mind for such a discussion. "Marco please. You're his friend. Can't you just give him a little time to absorb everything that's happened before you start demanding answers?"

Marco's expression remained calm and sympathetic. "It's because I'm his friend that I'm here."

Caught off guard by his statement, her frown deepened and she paused. "What do you mean by that?"

"I mean, the rule is first contact must be made with 24 hours. The brass prefers as soon as possible. Because of that someone was going to come here today, regardless. I just thought it would be easier on Johnny if it was a friend conducting the interview. You have no idea how hard I had to convince the brass to let me take on this case."

She couldn't bring herself to move, pulling a sigh from Marco, "Look, I'm really sorry, Gen. If you don't want to end up with somebody less sympathetic you have to let me do this now, _but_ you can sit in on the interview if you want and I promise I'll try to be as gentle as possible."

"There's no way I can talk you into waiting?"

He shook his head.

She felt her shoulders slump as she turned and headed back toward Johnny's room. They met the on-call doctor just as they reached the door.

"Doc," Gen prompted, hoping maybe he could intervene. "Is Johnny allowed to have visitors yet?"

Before he could answer, Marco extended a hand to the doctor. "Marco Lopez, LACFD Internal Affairs. I need to speak with Captain Gage."

Gen couldn't help but give Marco the evil eye. Why was he doing this to his own friend? She glanced back at the doctor hoping he'd say no visitors.

"Keep your visit brief, Mr. Lopez and if you agitate my patient I'll ask you to leave." The doctor's reply made Gen's heart sink. As much as she wanted to protect Johnny from having to deal with even more of this nightmare, she simply couldn't.

"I'll keep the questions to a minimum," Marco replied. "Thank you doctor."

Feeling defeated, Gen pushed open the door to find Johnny sitting in a slightly upright position. "Hey, you have a visitor."

Johnny turned his gaze from the ceiling to her then to Marco. Several emotions crossed his face in a matter of seconds until a look of resolved settled over him. "Internal Affairs doesn't waste any time."

"I'm so sorry, Johnny, but like I told Gen, somebody was going to come regardless. I kinda hoped it being me would help make this a little easier on you."

"I asked him to wait," Gen interjected. "But he says he can't. Though I would think that a friend might be able to find a way to post pone this until you were feeling a bit better."

Marco winced, and glanced over at her, meeting her stare, "I don't like this anymore than you," he shot back. "But I have to do my job."

"It's fine," Johnny said. "I have nothing to hide. Lets just get this over with."

Gen pulled up a chair next to his bed and reached for his hand. No way would she be anywhere else right now. Not when he could use her support.

"What are you doing?" Johnny asked.

"Gen was worried about how I might treat you, so I told her she could stay," Marco offered.

He leveled a look on Gen. "I don't want you to have to worry about this. Go on down and get something to eat like you planned."

She squeezed his hand. "I'll go when you're done."

"Johnny," Marco began. "I need you to tell me in your own words what happened yesterday when your engine company arrived at the Alcott house."

Johnny sat silent for a moment then closed his eyes. "I screwed up, that's what happened."

Gen let out a gasp. What in the world was he doing? "Johnny, no."

"Hush," he admonished, then turned his attention to Marco. "It's my fault Philips is paralyzed and Ridley and the others are dead."

"How is it your fault?" Marco prompted as he wrote in his notebook.

"I-I don't know, exactly." Johnny replied. "I just know that it is. I mean I was in charge so that made them my responsibility."

"Technically, yes, but that doesn't mean it's your fault," Marco replied. "I need you to tell me what you did or didn't do that makes you think this is your fault in some way."

"I don't know," Johnny replied. "I guess I should have made them move faster. Maybe I should have had my men remove the couple by force."

"I don't believe for a second that this was entirely our fault," Gen stated, earning another frown from him.

"Genevieve please," he began. "I really can't do this with you here. Just go get something to eat and leave me to talk to Marco."

"But-" she began to protest only to have him cut her off.

"Now, Gen," he snapped.

"But I want to be here to help you."

"If you really want to help, you'll do as I ask and leave." He caught himself and sighed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to sound so harsh. It's just, I really don't want you here for all this,okay?

"I don't understand why," she replied.

"You don't have to understand. I just need you to go."

Slowly she let go of his hand, then exchanged looks with Marco, who appeared as shocked as she. "If that's what you really want," she replied.

"That's what I really want," Johnny agreed.

Stunned by the sudden turn of events, she pushed out of the chair and slowly made her way across the room.

"Don't worry," Marco whispered as she passed him. "I'll force him to qualify that statement before I'll accept it as admissible."

All she could do was nod before she pulled open the door and exited.

* * *

Once she was out of the room Marco turned back to Johnny. "You were a little hard on her don't you think?"

"I don't need her hearing all this." Johnny snapped.

"She wants to be here for you," Marco argued. "The moment she realize I was here on behalf of IA she cornered me like a guard dog and did her best to keep me away."

"I don't need her defending me either," Johnny grumbled. "Not when I should be the one defending and looking after her," How could he explain to anyone and make them understand that in that moment he felt absolutely worthless as a human being. Not only had he put his men in danger and cost one his career and the other his life, but in his current condition he couldn't even protect his wife if need be, What kind of man did that make him? "Just get to the questions, Marco and leave my marriage out of this."

"Fine," Marco prepared his pen and paper. "Explain to me everything that happened from the moment you were given the call to respond to the Alcott house to when you awoke here."

Johnny narrowed his gaze at his friend. "Marco, I already told you this was my fault. So why are you going to make me relive it?"

"Because it's my job to ascertain all pertinent information, which includes documenting everyone's account of what happened at the scene."

"Have you talked to Philips yet?"Johnny asked and felt the knot in his gut tighten. Just how in the hell was he ever going to be able to face Philips again, after what he allowed to happen?

"No," Marco replied "He's still in ICU. No visitors except family and medical personnel. So I have to wait to talk to him until he's moved into a regular room."

Johnny gave Marco's statement a small nod. "Considering he's the only other survivor I guess your list will be short."

"Maybe," Marco pondered, "But that doesn't mean it won't be incredibly informative."

"And what do you mean by that?" Johnny asked,

"Just that I know you and I know you'd never intentionally put your men in harms way. So there has to be more to this event than we all know right now."

"You're right, I wouldn't," Johnny agreed, "but that doesn't mean this situation isn't still all my fault."

"That's not for you to decide, John. Now just do what I asked and tell me everything that happened once you responded to the Alcott residence."

Just wanting to be left alone, John conceded. "Fine, if I tell you will you leave?"

"When I'm satisfied I have all the information I need from you I'll leave," Marco replied.

"Working for IA has turned you into a royal pain in the ass,"Johnny observed.

"That may be," Marco shot back. "But that doesn't mean I'm not still your friend. No matter how you feel about that fact, know this...I want to find the truth, whatever that may be."

He walked to the foot of the bed and stood. "Someone else might be more than willing to take the statement you just made as gospel without bothering to get all the facts." He gave a dismissive wave of the hand. "The Captain confessed it's all his fault. His career is over and the truth remains hidden behind a wall of guilt."

"I'm not feeling guilty," Johnny nearly spat the words, _Oh yes you are!_

"Really?" Marco arched a brow. "Well I have just as hard of a time believing that statement as I did your other one."

When John didn't respond he continued. "All I want is to do my job to the best of my abilities and as fairly as possible to you. I want the truth Johnny."

"Even if it ends up being bad for me?" Johnny asked.

"Even if it ends up being bad for you," Marco repeated. He crossed over and eased down into the chair that Gen earlier vacated. "Honestly, no matter how you personally feel about this situation, don't you agree that Ridley and Philips deserve that much?"


	10. Chapter 10

_A short but important chapter..._

* * *

Gen headed down the hallway toward Johnny's room. After yesterday's incident involving Marco she wasn't sure what to expect. Yesterday, she'd finished her breakfast and returned to his room to find Marco gone and Johnny withdrawn and sullen. Unsure of what to do for him, she'd initially made herself as comfortable as possible in the chair next to his bed and remained silent. Eventually, the silence became awkward and overpowering. That's when she switched tactics and tried to get him to talk to her.

Ultimately the result had been the same. Awkward silence. Eventually, they both agreed it would be best if she went home.

The problem was, being home with Olivia did little to alleviate her concerns. In fact, in certain ways it make them worse. While things weren't always perfect between them, they'd always had a relationship where they could talk about anything and everything on their minds. Sure sometimes they ended up in arguments, but they always made up and above all else, they supported and fought for each other. Only this time it appeared the situation might be bigger than either of them could handle.

That thought had lead to a restless, nearly sleepless night, a lot of tears and her questioning everything she believed was real in their lives. In the moment she'd hoped the worst of the situation was over once Johnny was out of surgery. Though, deep down, she knew better. She'd heard the nightmare unfold over the bio-com and had a pretty good idea of what he'd experienced in the field. Now if she could only get him to talk to her.

As her footsteps echoed off the walls, she hoped that maybe another day removed from the accident would help Johnny gain some perspective on the situation. She'd been so hurt by how he'd pushed her away, especially after he'd proclaimed his love her just hours before. The last thing she wanted was to experience that feeling again.

Doctor Early, being the sage person he was, had spotted her sitting alone and upset in the hospital cafeteria the day before and offered his perspective on their situation.

 _Try not to be too hard on him, Genevieve. He's suffered probably the worst trauma of his life and it's going to take some time for him to work through it. Remember what it was like when your dad died?_

Oh boy did she remember. Lost inside her grief, she'd push everyone, especially Johnny away. Much like he was doing now. He'd been hurt by her actions and lashed back out at her in response. Hell, if it hadn't been for their accident she might have missed her opportunity to tell him how she really felt. During her conversation with Doctor Early she'd expressed her observations and concerns. Much to her surprise, instead of receiving empty platitudes and cliche statements, he'd offered advice that made perfect sense.

 _He's hurting, Gen and right now he's trying to keep it all bottled up. Only, it's not really possible to carry that kind of pain alone. He loves you and he knows you love him. So subconsciously he sees you as a safe outlet with which to project some of that pain. He doesn't mean what he's saying and deep down he knows you'll forgive him._

Keeping Doctor Early's advice in mind, she headed back to Johnny's room. While his actions still stung, understanding them make dealing with it a bit easier.

Slowly, she pushed open the door, paused. "Hi."

He turned his gaze away from the television toward her. "What are you doing here? I thought you had to work?"

She let the door close behind her. "I'm on break, I was going to stop in and see you earlier, but your duty nurse said you were sleeping at the time."

Without replying he slowly turned his sad gaze back toward the television and she swore she could feel his pain. God, it killed her to see him like this. She turned her attention toward the television screen, noted the soap opera playing. It was the one he always liked to watch. _Trying to escape reality?_

Undeterred, she walked toward the bed. _Don't let him push you away, Gen. Despite how's acting he needs you more now then ever._

Keeping Doctor Early's words in mind she tried again. "How are you feeling this morning?"

"Just swell," he replied, his tone filled with a pained sarcasm.

Maybe if she just told him what was on her mind it would help? Maybe if he knew he could lean on her he'd be willing to let her take some of his burden. "Look, I know this isn't easy for you, but you don't have to go through this alone," she offered. "I'm here for you. Your friends are here for you."

He didn't reply, leaving Gen feeling sad and frustrated at the same time. Right now it felt as if she could have been having a conversation with the concrete wall and get a better result. Maybe it was best if she just changed gears completely. "Olivia was asking about you last night. I thought I'd bring her by to see you after shift tonight."

He shook his head. "Don't."

She jerked at his reply. "What? Why?" What in the world was going on inside that head of his that he wouldn't want to see his own child?

"I don't want her seeing me like this," he replied.

"Like what?" Gen pushed back.

"Like this." He motioned to the bed and the room. "Broken and bruised with stitches in my head and tubes and wires sticking out of me. It will just scare her."

Gen frowned. "You're injured. That doesn't mean you somehow been transformed into some strange monster and none of this-" It was her turn to motion to the room. "Is going to scare her."

His gaze didn't leave the television screen. "I'm her father, Gen and I don't ever want her to see me as being weak or unable to protect her."

He couldn't possibly be serious. "She's two, Johnny. She doesn't have the ability to be able to think like that yet."

"Still...she'll remember and when she's older-"

"She's not going to remember," Gen cut him off, She turned on her hip to face him. "Besides, she already knows you're in the hospital."

"And how does she know that?" He turned his attention fully on her, his tone now terse.

"I told her you got an ouchie at work and you're going to be in the hospital for a few days while it heals."

His face twisted with emotion. "Why in the hell did you tell her that?"

"The last time she saw you was three mornings ago," Gen fought against the need to raise her voice. Why in the hell wasn't he hearing her? "She's asking for you. I had to tell her something."

"You could have told her I was still fighting the fire. You didn't have to tell her I was hurt."

"So you'd rather I lie to our daughter than for you to risk her seeing you as being less than perfect?"

Silence met her question.

"Johnny!"

"Stop!" he shouted and held up a hand. "Just stop okay?" He shook his head. "I can't do this right now, okay? I just can't."

"Do what?" She pushed up from the chair and stared down at him. Damn it, she was losing her cool and because of her stupid out of control hormones there was little she could do to stop it. "Have an adult conversation with your wife?" she spat.

"Genevieve," he sighed, his tone one of defeat.

Angry, hurt and struggling to understand, Gen took a step back toward the door. "Fine. Because you're too worried about your two year old being ashamed of you, which by the way is something she'd completely incapable of doing, I'll keep her away." Fighting back the angry tears, she reached for the door. "Should I just stay away too?"

He scowled. "Don't be ridiculous."

"I'm not the one being ridiculous," she shot back. "Considering how you're acting I'd say it's a legitimate question."

"I-" he paused and shook his head. "I just need some time." He met her stare. "I don't expect you to understand that, but if you really love me, you'll honor my wishes."

Despite her best efforts a tear broke free and trickled down her cheek. _If_ she really loved him? How many ways could she possibly prove her love to him? "My love for you is not in question and if you think otherwise then maybe my lying to Olivia isn't the only lie I need to worry about." Without waiting on him to reply she yanked open the door and walked out.


	11. Chapter 11

Gen spent the next three hours methodically working through her cases. She stitched up wounds on at least three different patients, diagnosed a woman with pneumonia and one with Gall stones, removed a marble from a child's ear and assisted with two trauma cases. By the time the clock hit one in the afternoon her mood had only marginally improved.

"You want to talk about it?" Dixie asked as Gen scribbled info into her most recent patient's chart.

"Talk about what?" Gen replied and slipped the chart into the correct bin. So what if she knew what Dixie meant? Honestly, right now she just wanted to forget and do her job.

"What Johnny did this time that has you so upset?"

Gen shook her head. "No, actually I don't." _I just want to bury myself in my work._

"But he did do something this morning that put you in this mood?"

"It's my fault for being in this mood," Gen replied as she reached for the next chart. "After what happened to him, he has every right to be moody and upset and if he needs to-" She choked on the word then mentally chastised herself for not being stronger. "to lash out at me then I need to do a better job of dealing with that fact."

Dixie angled her hands on her hips. "Now who fed you that line of nonsense?"

Gen paused and looked at Dixie. "It's not nonsense and my mood has everything to do with what he's not doing."

Dixie arched a brow. "You're going to have to explain."

Realizing there was no way Dixie was going to let the conversation drop, she pushed the chart aside and turned her full attention on her friend. "He won't talk about what happened with me. He doesn't want to see his daughter. He wouldn't defend himself to Marco yesterday. He won't _do_ anything."

Dixie put a hand over Gen's, apparently in an attempt to ensure she wouldn't try to turn her attention away from the conversation. "I know you've heard from everyone that this situation is hard on him, but none of us have really considered how hard this is on you too."

Gen blinked several times as emotion welled yet again. "I know it's only been two days since the accident and I need to be patient, but it feels as if he's withdrawing from me, as if he's intentionally pushing me away." She leveled a look at Dixie. "He's such a part of me Dixie, right now I feel as if I'm missing a piece of my soul. What's worse, I don't know how to stop it or make the situation better for him."

Dixie glanced at the clock. "Let's get lunch."

Gen wiped her eyes and nodded. Maybe she did need to talk to someone. If nothing else she certainly couldn't see patients being an emotional basket case. "Okay. I'm all caught up right now."

After Dixie notified Carol she was going to lunch she made her way to the cafeteria with Gen. They grabbed their food and sat.

"Now," Dixie began again. "You need to try and relax for the next thirty minutes and enjoy your food."

Gen smiled. "Easier said than done, you know?"

Dixie nodded. "I know, but you need to try and stay healthy. That baby's not done yet and besides, if you end up in the hospital how can you help Johnny?"

"That's true."

"You want my advice?"

Gen picked at her salad with her fork. "Sure. Everybody else seems to want to give me advice. You might as well too."

"Well, I'm not going to tell you to put up with him pushing you away," Dixie replied. "The best thing you can do to help him is for you to see a therapist."

"Me?" Gen looked up at her, eyes wide. "Why should I should see a therapist?"

"Look, we both know when it comes to seeing a therapist we'd have to drag Johnny kicking and screaming, right?"

Gen nearly grinned at her statement. Everyone knew Johnny's aversion to any type of psychiatry. "Right."

"However, considering what he's been through it's probably safe to say that without some kind of therapy he's not going to get better or it's going to take him an extraordinarily long time to get better." Dixie continued.

"I agree, but what does that have to do with me seeing a therapist?" Gen pressed.

"If _you_ see a therapist, maybe he or she can advise you on ways to help Johnny."

Gen arched a brow as a tiny bit of hope bloomed. "That is not a bad idea."

Dixie's look turned slightly smug. "I do get them once in awhile. Besides, this isn't easy on you either. So it might do you both some good."

Before Gen could reply, she spotted Jill, Johnny's duty nurse walking toward them. Her heart jumped and she pushed away her plate and stood. "What's wrong?"

Jill held up a hand and shook her head. "Everything is fine. I only came looking for you because Johnny asked me to."

Her fear was immediately replace with suspicion. After their encounter earlier that morning she was sure he wanted her to stay away. "Why?"

"Well, I was preparing to give him his sponge bath and he asked if you could do it instead." Jill shrugged. "I figured under the circumstances there wasn't any real reason why you couldn't."

Gen could think of one large reason why she couldn't and it had everything to do with the man requesting her. She glanced at Dixie. "Do you mind if I-" She angled her thumb toward the door.

"Not at all." Dixie grinned. "After all, it's a chance to make some progress with him."

Gen followed Jill up to Johnny's room. "Everything is already inside for you. Just leave the cart outside his room when you're done," Jill directed.

"Will do," Gen replied, then turned and headed into his room.

"Hey," she said as she stepped inside.

"Hey," he replied, his tone still sounding like that of a defeated man. She absolutely hated seeing him like that.

"Jill tells me you asked for me to bathe you."

He nodded. "Is there a problem with that?"

Slowly she crossed to the foot of the bed. "Well, no, except for the fact that you've previously stated that if you ever landed back in the hospital you didn't want me to be your nurse because it would be too embarrassing."

"It is embarrassing," Johnny affirmed.

"Then why did you request me?" Gen pushed. "I mean you did everything but directly ask me to stay away earlier. Now you want me here doing something that's going to make you more uncomfortable?"

"Look, if you don't want to do it," he snapped.

"No, that's not it," she corrected as moved to his side and reached for his hand. _Don't get angry and don't get defensive. Above all else, remain calm._ "I'm just trying to understand your thought process. That's all." She took his hand in hers, held it. "I love you, Johnny and it hurts me to see you so despondent." She could feel herself once again sliding down that emotional path. "I want to help you get better in whatever way I can." She closed her eyes. "I wish I could roll back time and change things for you, but I can't. "

"That's why I asked for you to do this for me," Johnny replied and she opened her eyes to meet his sad gaze. "I know you want to help, but it..." he paused, drew in a breath. "It's hard for me to let you. I'm suppose to be the one taking care of you and right now I can't."

Suddenly she began to understand, but instead of saying anything she remained silent and let him talk.

"If I can give you this, make you feel as if you're doing something to help me, then I want to, despite how embarrassing it might be for me."

She gave him a small smile. "You watched me give birth to our daughter and quite honestly that's not the most flattering position to be in."

His eyes widened as he stared at her. "You were embarrassed to have me see you like that? Gen, you brought our daughter into the world. It was beautiful and mind blowing and I never once saw you in any way other than being absolutely amazing."

The words were good to hear, but it didn't change the way she felt and damn if that wasn't a revelation of sorts. If she couldn't control her feelings and thoughts, how could she expect him to? "I'm glad, but it doesn't change how I felt about the situation." She let go of his hand and walked to the cart. Picked up the rag, dunked it in the soapy water and turned to him. "I can have Jill do this if you want. I'll understand and I promise I won't be upset."

His expression slipped into one of appreciation. "I want you to do it."

With that she moved in and slowly began washing him. With emotions choking her throat she remained silent as she worked through the process. She'd felt him tense at first, then after a few minutes he closed his eyes and began to relax.

The awkward silence from before returned, but it was different this time, less tense and maybe just a bit more companionable. Oh how she wanted to start asking him questions, get him to open up and talk to her in earnest about what happened out there in the fire, but fear of ruining the moment kept her mouth shut.

As she moved to the more intimate parts of his body she felt him begin to tense beneath her touch. She paused, waited until he opened his eyes to look at her. His brow knit. "Why did you stop?"

"Because it's making you uncomfortable."

"It's a little embarrassing, is all," he replied.

Doing her best despite the baby belly being in the way, she leaned over the bed until her face was mere inches from his. "I've seen every part of your body and know damn near all of it intimately and I can promise that you have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about."

For the first time in days humor flickered in his eyes. "So am I getting my naughty nurse fantasy?"

"Only some of it," she replied before covering his mouth with hers. God it felt good to kiss him again. Yes, it had only been three days since they'd last made love, but with everything that had happened in the last seventy two hours, it might as well have been a lifetime. Keeping her task in mind, she moved her hand and continued cleaning him even as she continued to kiss him.

He shifted beneath her touch, his body relaxing as he groaned against his lips. When she was done, she slowly pulled back and smiled down at him. "Not so bad, right?"

He returned her smile and her heart did a little flip. She'd done that. She'd made him smile despite all the horrors he was navigating.

"That was amazing," he replied, a bit breathless. "And something we'll have to do again when I'm healed and we're in the privacy of our own home."

Just his suggestion had her body reacting. "I think I'd like that." She placed the washcloth on the tray and turned back to find him reaching for her hand. A look of sincerity on his face. "I can't promise I won't lash out at you again, sweetheart, but I don't ever want you to think I'm questioning how much you love me."

The lump in her throat returned and she nodded. "I do love you, Johnny. You're such a part of me."

"I know. If feel the same way. Hell, Gen, I think about my life to this point and I see everything before you in black and white, as if I was just going through the motions and didn't actually start living until you showed up and turned my world to color."

She desperately wanted to cry again, but damn it, she wasn't going to. "That's probably the sweetest, most heartfelt thing you've ever said to me."

"And I mean every word," he replied. "I'm so sorry for how I acted earlier. I-" he shook his head, began again. He sighed. "Somehow I got it into my head that if I pushed you away I could spare you from the pain and frustration, but when you walked out this morning and I wasn't sure if you were coming back..." He let the sentence trail off as he swallowed hard and Gen noted how his eyes had begun to water.

 _Please don't cry! If you cry I'll cry!_

"I know I have a lot to work through and it isn't going to be easy, but I don't think I can get through it without you. Please, Genevieve. I don't want you to go away. I need you."


	12. Chapter 12

The next four days passed by in a blur as Gen juggled her her time between work, helping Johnny and tending to Olivia. Due to the generosity of Hank and Emily Stanley, Roy and Joanne and Mike and Alyssa, she hadn't been at a loss for baby sitters. Thank goodness for good friends.

She'd spent her most recent day off attending Thomas Ridley's funeral and spending time with his mother and sister. While the grief was prominent and many tears were shed, neither seemed to blame Johnny for what happened. In fact, knowing how close Tom and Johnny had become, both repeatedly voiced their concerns about how Ridley's death would effect Johnny.

Thankfully, since the 'sponge bath' she'd noted a slight elevation in Johnny's mood. It appeared that when she was around he made a better effort to keep the conversation going between them. The possibility existed that it was all just an act on his part to make her feel better. His attempt at taking care of her from his hospital bed. That hadn't exactly been her goal, but for the moment she'd take what she could get.

Maybe, once he was out of the hospital and back home he'd truly start to feel better. Unfortunately, his damaged lung began producing lots of fluid that could easily result in a build up if the tube was removed too soon. Until it stopped, his chest tube would need to remain in place or he risked pneumonia or worse. If all went well and with a little luck his chest tube would be removed in the next day or two and he'd soon be ready to come home.

Hopefully, Philips would be out of ICU before that happened and she could talk Johnny into seeing him. All information from the ICU nurses seemed to point to a remarkable healing process taking place with Philips. Considering his injuries were far more severe than Johnny's that was very good news and would hopefully help to make a difference with Johnny's recovery.

Doctor Morehouse, the therapist she'd consulted at the hospital, also believed it was vital to Johnny's emotional healing for him to see and talk to Philips. She was still waiting for the right time to broach that subject with Johnny.

So for now, this was their new normal and she was slowly starting to adjust. Though in the wee hours of the night, when she was overly tired and her defenses were down, she had to admit, she was still struggling. Johnny's absence from their bed seemed to be her biggest hurdle. It didn't matter that three nights a week she slept alone anyway.

Knowing what happened and where he was produced an effect on her she couldn't explain. The first night she'd been home with Olivia she'd tried to sleep in her bed, but simply couldn't. The couch in their family room had soon become her best friend. Probably not the best place for a woman well along in her pregnancy to sleep, she mused, but at least she was getting some sleep. All she needed to do was hang on a bit longer.

She'd just finished packing Olivia's bag for day care when a knock on the front door caught her attention. She froze. Due to the nature of the accident and the high mortality and injury rate it caused, it had made the news and in recent days she'd turned away quite a few newspaper and television reporters looking for comment.

The doorbell rang a second time and she cautiously made her way to the door. Man she hated the media. Yes, she understood they were just doing their jobs, but after the hell they'd put her through during the Barlow incident and trial, she'd been left with an extreme distaste for reporters.

It was times like this she wished they had a dog. All she'd have to do then is tell them to get off her property or she'd released the dog on them. No repeatedly stating 'no comment' and 'please leave' and then finally having to threaten to call the police on them for trespassing. Unfortunately, with their hectic schedules having a dog seemed cruel. After all, nobody would be home much to play with and take care of it.

Still, they could install a dog door in the back door of the house and finish fencing in the yard. That way the dog could run around and chase squirrels. After all, if Johnny was going to finish fencing in the pasture area for a horse, then why couldn't he do the yard too?

Did pet supply manufacturers make automatic water and food dispensers? Since she'd never had a a pet she had no idea. However, if they did... Somehow the idea was really starting to take root.

Maybe she could talk him into a dog for Olivia's birthday instead of a horse. It would certainly be cheaper and much easier to take care of. It could be a good companion for Olivia and the new baby, plus a protector for entire family. Yeah, it was definitely worth the discussion.

She took a second to stop and check on Olivia, who was happily trying to dress her baby doll in the play room. Then she paused, looked through the peep hole and found a man in business suit and hat waiting on the other side. Definitely not a reporter. _Who in the world?_

Slowly, she opened the door. "Can I help you?"

"Yes, ma'am." He tipped his hat. "My name is Cooper. Are you Mrs. Gage?"

"Yes." Awareness slithered up her spine as she stared at the man. Who was he and what did he want? "Can I help you with something Mr. Cooper?"

He nodded. "I need to speak with your husband."

"I'm sorry, but he's not here right now."

"Oh." His brow knit. "Is he still in the hospital?"

"Yes sir, but he has a no visitors order, so you won't be able to see him." So what if that was a lie? This man probably didn't know that and Gen would make sure the order was written today when she went to work. The last thing she needed was reporters or strange men in suits showing up in Johnny's hospital room to harass him. "What is this about, Mr. Cooper."

"Oh...um...well-" He lifted his hand and for the first time Gen noted the manila envelope. "I guess it doesn't rightly matter if these are served directly to him or not. Since you're his next of kin, that's good enough." He handed her the envelope. "These are for your husband. Please make sure he gets them."

She accepted the envelope and with a curious stare looked at the man. "What is this?"

"Court papers, Mrs. Gage. The family of Mr. and Mrs. Alcott have filed a wrongful death suit against your husband."

For a moment Gen could only stare at him as his words pinged around inside her head, She couldn't have possibly heard him correctly, A lawsuit?"

"Yes, ma'am. I am sorry to to have your ruin your day like this. Take care." With a tip of his hat he turned and slowly walked away, leaving Gen stunned in place, staring after him. _We're being sued?_

"Mommy?"

A tug on her slacks had Gen finally looking down. "Um...yes...yes baby."

"Dolly?" Olivia held up her baby for Gen to see. "I dress."

Despite the fact that her mind was spinning, Gen forced a smile. "That's very good, baby. You made her pretty."

Olivia preened at her compliment, then turned and raced back toward her play room. Gen closed and locked the door. She sank into the nearest seat and slowly opened the envelope.

Ten minutes later she sat staring into space, the papers strewn over her lap. They'd need to hire a lawyer and lawyers cost money. It would probably bleed their savings dry and what if by some turn of fate a judge or jury found him at fault? Could they loose the house, the land and everything they owned? Her attention turned toward Olivia and she placed a hand over her belly. What kind of future would their children face if Johnny lost this lawsuit?

 _Johnny!_

Her thoughts immediately turned toward him. He'd been moody the last few day, but better. What kind of effect would this lawsuit have on his recovery? He was already blaming himself for the accident. When he found out someone else blamed him too... She glanced at the clock and her body jerked as she noted the time as she began gathering up the papers. No matter how important this was, worrying about it would have to wait. Right now she still had a job to do and she needed to get to work.

* * *

Forty five minutes later she walked toward the bay station and did her best to shake away her lingering stress. Doctor Brackett paused. "That face is not one of a happy person."

Gen shook her head as she reached for a chart. Too much drama and too many times of being mentally beat down over the past few days had weakened her resolve. This time it didn't feel as if she had the strength to keep her thoughts in check. "I'm not." She paused, looked up at him, hoping maybe in some strange way he might be able to help. Kelly Brackett was by far one of the smartest, most level headed people she knew. If anyone could think of a way out of this, it would be him. "Actually, I'm scared out of my mind right now."

Kel's curious expression turned to one of concern and he pushed his paperwork to the side. "Why?"

She made quick work of telling him about the papers and the lawsuit. Kelly frowned. "No way was any of what happened Johnny's fault."

Gen nodded. "I know, but apparently these people think differently." She leaned against the counter as the fear she'd been fighting to keep at bay slowly overpowered her. "W-what if some jury or judge agrees with them? I dread the havoc it would wreak on Johnny emotionally and what will that do to his career? He could lose his job, his pension, and possibly his paramedic certification."

The fear worked its way higher, clawing at her throat and she raked a hand through her hair. "W-we could lose our home and our land. What if they want more than we have?" Blackness edged around the fringes of her vision and she choked back a sob. "How would we live? How would we provide for our children?"

Kel grabbed her by the upper arms, holding her in place. "Gen." He gave her the tiniest of shakes. "Genevieve, look at me."

Despite the raging fear buzzing in her head she somehow managed to followed his instructions and met his stare.

"You're going to hyperventilate yourself. Now take a deep breath."

Feeling stupid for allowing her personal life to once again intrude on work, Gen did as he instructed. With the amount of stress she suddenly seemed to be carrying it almost surprised her that she hadn't gone into pre-term labor. That's all they need right now.

"Good, another," he prompted.

She inhaled deep and willed her body to relax

"Good. Now sit down."

Gen eased onto the stool and Kel crouched in front of her. "Have you told Johnny yet?"

Gen shook her head, "I." She choked on the word, swallowed hard and tried again. "He's made such progress the last few days. I'm afraid that when he finds out he's going to withdraw again. I know he's going to feel guilty for putting me and Olivia through this, but I also know he'll internalize everything and try to handle it on his own." She leveled a pleading look on him. "I'm afraid, Kel. I don't want to loose everything we have, but above all else...I don't want to lose _him_."

Brackett's expression slowly morphed from concerned to sympathetic. "You're not going to lose him, Gen and we're going to get both of you through this." He paused, took a deep breath. "Okay. So we're going to hold off telling Johnny until we have a few more answers first."

She arched a brow as curiosity cracked the shell of fear. "What kind of answers?"

"The kind that will make navigating this situation a little easier. I want you to make a phone call."

"To who?" she asked and wiped at her eyes.

"I want you to start with Hank Stanley. He's a battalion chief now, right?"

"Right," Gen replied. "He's Johnny's battalion chief."

"Okay, good. Then you call him and you tell him what's going on and you ask for his advice. I'm guessing if Johnny's been served then the department probably has also. If he can't help you, he'll be able to put you in touch with someone who can. You need to find out exactly where Johnny stands right now with the department and what recourse he has against this lawsuit. Have Hank check with their union rep. It's possible they might be able to offer access to a good lawyer at a discount rate."

With each word Kel spoke, her fear slowly subsided until she was finally able to think straight again. "Okay." She took a deep breath. "Okay. That's a good idea. I'll call him after shift."

Kel shook his head and frowned, "You'll call him now, Gen. As long as this is hanging over your head you're no good to me here. Talk to Hank, get a game plan together. Then you can work, okay?"

For the first time since she awoke that morning she managed a small, genuine smile, "Okay." She reached for his hand. "Thank you."

He returned her smile. "No thanks necessary. We look out for our own around here."

Once again she found herself grateful for the friends they had. Maybe, she thought as she headed for the break room to use the phone. Maybe there was still some hope after all.


	13. Chapter 13

"Unfounded."

That one word had Gen eyeing the department lawyer with now forbidden hope. She knew what the word meant, but what exactly did it mean within the context of the current situation? Then she turned her attention to Johnny's union provided lawyer Tim Prescott. He nodded in agreement.

She'd also agreed the charges were unfounded, but that hadn't stopped the Alcott's children from filing suit in the first place. Obviously, they felt differently and if they did, then it was possibly others, like a judge or jury might also feel different. "What exactly does that mean Mr. Walters?"

He looked over the papers a second time, then handed them to Mr. Prescott. "It means no judge in the county is going to allow this lawsuit to stand right now."Mr. Prescott, shook his head. "I'm actually surprised that someone was willing to take this on. Any attorney with his salt knows you can't bring suit against a City or County employee without a completed internal investigation and the issuance of criminal charges."

"I can believe it," Mr. Walters added. "There are a lot of unscrupulous lawyers wanting to make a quick buck off some poor grieving soul. All someone would have to do is plant the seed that your husband was somehow at fault and they could help get justice for the fallen family member and relatives are hooked."

So far she liked what she was hearing, but her fear refused to subside just yet. "So I think I understand what you're saying, but where exactly does that leave Johnny?"

"Right now, it won't affect him in the least," Mr. Prescott replied. "I'll confer with Mr. Walters on this and hash out the details, but I can assure you one of us will be filing a motion to have this lawsuit thrown out."

She desperately wanted to be excited by what she was hearing. Still..."What if the judge doesn't agree?" Gen asked.

"He will," Mr. Prescott replied. "This isn't up for interpretation, Genevieve. There are laws in place to protect those who protect and serve."

Somehow she'd forgotten that fact, or maybe she never really knew that, despite working for the department for several years. Since she'd become a nurse practitioner she'd had to obtain malpractice insurance, though thankfully her premiums where much less than that of the doctors.

"However," Mr. Walters added as he leaned forward and reached for his cup of coffee. "This is only a temporary solution. If the internal Affairs investigation currently underway comes back showing any negligence on Johnny's part and that negligence is found to be criminal in nature, it could open him back up to a later suit."

Her heart sank. "So there's still a possibility we could lose everything?" Gen sighed.

Mr. Walters shook his head. "Not likely. You see, your name is also on the deed to the house and the land. Since you had absolutely nothing to do with what happened during the fire you can't be held responsibly in any way."

"Which means?" Gen prompted. She just wasn't understanding how this whole lawsuit business worked.

"It means that in a worst case scenario they're able to file suit and win, they'll end up owning the house with you and the land with you. Now that situation could go two ways. One, they demand you sell everything for as much as you can get and they get half of the profits. Two, they allow you to buy them out and you get to keep everything."

"Do you currently have a mortgage on the house?" Mr, Prescott asked.

Gen shook her head as she thought about how she'd used the money from selling her father's home to purchase their own home. They'd only needed a small loan to finish the purchase on the land next door so they could have the size homestead they really wanted. "We own the house free and clear. There's a small mortgage on the additional land."

Mr. Prescott nodded. "You're in a much better position right now than you may think."

"However," Mr. Walters began.

Why did there always need to be a 'but' or an 'however'?

"I do have some concern about the person heading up the internal affairs investigation."

Gen jerked qt his statement. "Marco?" How could he possibly question Marco's intentions? She didn't know a more honest person than Marco Lopez.

He nodded, "Mr. Lopez and your husband worked together at station 51 and they're friends, correct?"

"Well, yes," Gen replied "But Marco has to be one of the most honest people I've ever known."

"That may be," Mr. Walters replied. "However, with his personal connection to your husband, someone wanting to file a lawsuit, someone like the Alcott's children, could claim a conflict of interest or nepotism if he cleared John of any wrong doing."

"But Johnny didn't do anything wrong," Gen argued. She was damn tired of people even considering the possibility that Johnny did something wrong. He might be a bit reckless with his own safety, once-in-a-while, but when it came to the safety of his crew and victims...there wasn't a higher priority on his list.

"That's not our place to decide right now," Mr. Prescott replied. "However, I think to ensure the investigation isn't called into question, Mr. Lopez needs to have a supervisor working with him."

Mr. Walters sighed, pushed away from the table and stood. "I will have a talk with the head of internal affairs and voice our concerns. Placing a supervisor with Mr. Lopez can only ultimately benefit your husband and the department. For now, tell your husband not to worry. We'll take care of everything."

 _He's going to anyway!_ She knew Johnny well enough by now to realize he would worry regardless.

"Thank you," Gen offered "I really appreciate you both seeing me on such short notice. I know you both probably dropped other things to come here."

"It's my job," Mr. Walter's replied. "I go where the department tells me I'm needed."

"And it's really not a problem at all, for me either," Mr. Prescott replied as his mimicked Mr. Walters move. "That's part of what the union pays me for. Oh and, Genevieve, don't worry. I have a hunch that this will all eventually work itself out."

She waited for them to leave before Gen turned to face Hank Stanley who had been her silent support through the meeting. "I only feel somewhat better about the situation."

"Why?" Hank asked. "Sounds to me like the filing was bogus and they family has no case. It doesn't appear to me that you have anything to worry about."

"Yeah I do," Gen replied as dread slowly began to build low in her stomach. "I still have to tell Johnny."

* * *

 _Could this situation possibly get any worse?_

Johnny closed his eyes and leaned his head against the pillow as he absorbed the latest news. The moment Gen walked through the door with Hank Stanley in tow, he knew something was wrong. The solemn look on Gen's face only served to solidify that feeling.

Still, he hadn't expected to hear that someone else was actually holding him responsible for the Alcott's death. The moment her words had registered he'd instantly become sick to his stomach.

So what if the lawsuit might be bogus, just the idea that others blamed him didn't sit well. If others thought he was at fault, would Marco come to that same conclusion in his IA investigation? If he was found guilty of negligence how would he possibly be able to handle the shame and guilt?

"Johnny?" Gen's worried voice caressed him. "Honey, Mr. Walters said there was nothing to worry about right now."

He swallowed hard, but kept his eyes closed. How could he possibly make her understand it wasn't just the fear of losing their house and land. Just within the last 24 hours he'd finally started to convince himself that maybe, just maybe he hadn't be the one responsible for what happened. He must have gone over that call a thousand times or more over the past few days. He'd tried to pinpoint where he'd made the mistake and had come up empty. Only now...

"Johnny?" Warmth enveloped the skin on his forearm and he could tell by the touch it was Gen's hand, but he refused to open his eyes. Shame coursed through him like a virus, and he simply couldn't bring himself to see the concern and fear in her eyes. "Please talk to me."

He wanted to. He really did, but the lump in his throat refused to move. Besides, what could he possibly say? He was supposed to be the provider for his family. He was supposed to be their great protector and all he'd done was bring them grief and fear. It was because of him their perfect little world was now turned upside down. Worse yet, it was because of him that it might never be the same again.

"Johnny, please don't do this." The anguish in her voice only aided in tearing at his already wounded heart. "You promised me you'd try."

He remembered making her that promise and felt even worse, if that was even possible, for not being able to keep it. He'd become a miserable failure not just as a leader, father and a provider, but as a human being.

How exactly would he provide for Gen and his babies if the investigation actually did reveal incompetence on his part? All he ever wanted to be his entire life was a fireman. What if he couldn't do that anymore? What would he be then? What would happen to Genevieve, Olivia and their unborn child if they lost everything they had because of him? Could he even being to live with that kind of guilt?

Shame washed over him, even as he heard Gen begin to sob quietly. "No matter what happens," she whispered. "As long as we have each other everything will be okay. We've always said that."

He didn't respond, couldn't.

"I need you, baby," she urged. "Please don't pull away from me like this." For several seconds silence fell between them before he barely heard her whisper. "Johnny?"

"I-" He choked on the word, as his wounded heart slowly fractured and despair settled in the recesses of his very soul. Then he tried again only to have his voice come out hoarse and shaky. Why should he sound any different than how he felt? "Just please leave me alone."


	14. Chapter 14

Gen steered the car down the drive and parked as close to the house as she could. At this point, the less distance he had to traverse the better. She shut off the engine and dared a sideways glance at Johnny, who'd remained silent and sullen the entire ride home. It had been three days since she told him about the lawsuit and two days since they'd removed the chest tube. With no further complications, Kel thought it best to let Johnny go home. Gen wasn't so sure she agreed.

From the moment he'd stepped out of bed at the hospital and began to dress she'd noticed his weight loss. He was so thin anyway that even the slightest drop in pounds showed right away. Right now he was scary thin and she was worried. His duty nurses had all reported a drop in his appetite, with him only eating the bare minimum to keep them from nagging him. How would she make sure he ate when she was working?

At least in the hospital there were people around to monitor his eating, or in his case, his not eating and provide IV fluids to keep him hydrated. Sure she could do this when she was home, but what about days she needed to work? She wasn't due to go on maternity leave for another month and a half. So how could she monitor him in the meantime?

Without a word, she exited the car and made her way to the passenger side. Johnny already had the door open and using the door and the pillar as support, was slowly pulling himself to his feet. His gaze locked with hers for a split second before he turned his attention elsewhere. It only took that second for her to see the anguish and sorrow now living deep in his soul.

Every time he managed to look her in the eye, which wasn't often, she saw that same expression and her heart broke just a little more. Where was the Johnny she knew and loved? Yes, she she'd seen him down before. He'd even gone through a small bout of depression not long after Olivia's birth, when a good friend and fellow firefighter was killed on the job. He'd been eerily quiet and withdrawn then and she worried about the toll his depression was taking on him. This time though, it wasn't someone else the situation happened to. There was no distance between him and the tragedy like before.

This time would he be able to pull himself out of this downward spiral or would the depression's ugly grip grow stronger until she'd lost him forever? That thought had her eyes watering and she turned her head away so he wouldn't see. No need in making him feel worse than he already did by allowing him to see her cry.

He took a second to steady himself, then began to slowly move, one shuffled step at a time, toward their large back porch. Gen followed closely, in case he lost his balance, but kept her hands to herself. The last thing he would want right now was her trying to force him to lean on her for support. Physically or emotionally. That thought also struck an arrow directly at her heart as she watched him grab the handrail and in painfully slow motion manage the steps one at a time.

She thought about all the times she'd leaned on him for strength and support over the years. How their friendship, then later their romance, had been partially based on her need for his strength, love and support. They'd grown closer than any couple she knew, yet now, when he needed her most...when she had the opportunity to provide him with that same comfort and strength she received, he pushed her away. Was it possible they didn't have the type of marriage she thought they did?

Gen let that thought stew for only a moment before she forced it out of her mind. With everything else going on right now, the last thing she needed was to add that worry to the mix. Besides, what would she do about it anyway? Her world practically revolved around Johnny. Without him, she'd be heartbroken and lost. Yes, she still had Olivia and the new baby to love, but without Johnny she'd never feel complete.

They'd just made it inside the back door, when Olivia raced toward them, a huge smile on her face. "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" She held her tiny arms open wide and nearly bowled Johnny over as she plowed into his legs and clung like a bur.

Gen reached for him, snared him by the arm and held tight while he regained his balance. With his other hand he reached down and stroked his daughters hair. "I'm happy to see you too, boo."

Olivia turned her cherub face up to look at him, her eyes as wide as her smile. She lifted her arms toward him. "Up, daddy."

"Uh..." Gen leg go of his arm and reached for Olivia. "No baby. Daddy can't do up yet."

A look of consternation crossed Olivia's face. "Daddy up," she said again, this time with a trace of impatience in her tone.

"I'm sorry, boo," Johnny replied, his tone one of defeat. "I can't."

Olivia's face slowly screwed into a frown and all Gen could do was watch the impending tantrum build. She couldn't blame her daughter. After all, it had been well over a week since she'd last seen Johnny. In a three year old's world a week might as well have been a year and facts were facts...she missed her father. "Up, peeze." she whined.

Gen exchanged quick glances with Johnny, noted to pleading look in his eyes. This certainly wasn't going to help his depression any. She grabbed the chair to help keep her center of gravity, then crouched until she was nearly face to face with Olivia. "Sweetheart. What did mommy tell you about Daddy? Do you remember?"

For a brief second she could see her daughter take a moment to think. It still amazed her that such a little person already had such adult abilities, like being able to stop and think to recall a conversation or for that matter, to hold a conversation. After a moment a pout formed on her lips and she nodded. "Daddy ouchie," she replied.

 _Thank goodness!_ Having Olivia remember would hopefully be helpful now. "That's right." She gave Olivia a small smile. "And that means daddy can't pick you up yet. If he does it might hurt him."

The pout grew larger, until it encompassed Olivia's entire face and Gen could feel her stress level abut to rise. So much for hoping to reason with a soon-to-be three year old. "Daddy, up," she repeated as the first sob broke.

Knowing there wasn't any way for this not to end ugly, Gen glanced over at the doorway to find Dixie watching them. She'd agreed to come over on her day off and watch Olivia while Gen retrieved Johnny from the hospital.

In an instant, Dixie was behind Olivia, scooping her up. "Come on, girlfriend. Let's go outside and play on the swing set, while mommy get's daddy settled in."

"I want Daddy," Olivia shrieked even as Dixie firmed her grip. "I want Daddy," she repeated and squirmed against Dixie, trying to break free.

Gen mouthed a silent thank you, to Dixie as she passed by them both and headed out the back door with Olivia, who by that point had officially moved into full tantrum mode. Her shouts of I want Daddy, echoed off the kitchen walls, then slowly faded into distant murmurs as they moved outside toward the play area.

Slowly, Gen pulled herself back up, blew out an exaggerated breath and dared another look at Johnny. "Some welcome home, huh?"

He shrugged. "It's nice to know she missed me. I just hate that I couldn't scoop her up and swing her around like I usually do."

"When you're stronger and the stitches have healed you'll be able to," Gen offered. "Until then...well, she's a smart girl. I'll work with her on ways she can spend time with you without it impacting your injury."

Johnny's lips turned downward. "So much for being her superman."

"Hey now." Gen quickly stepped in front of him and reached up to cradle his cheek in her palm. "Nothing, not this injury or whatever happens with the investigation or lawsuit is ever going to change the fact that you'll always be Olivia's superman."

"Yeah, right," he nearly snapped as he pulled his face away.

"I'm serious, Johnny," she tried again. Damn he could be so stubborn sometimes. "None of those things matter to her. Not the house or your job or money or any of those adult worries we have. All she wants is her father." Ever so slowly she leaned toward him and dared a small kiss. "All I want is her father. The rest doesn't matter."

He didn't kiss back. That fact wasn't lost on her as she pulled away. "I'm tired, Genevieve. Can I please just go to the den so I can rest?"

"Wouldn't you be more comfortable upstairs in your own bed?"

He shook his head and she noted how he was back to avoiding eye contact with her. "It took everything I had to make it from the car, up the three steps on the back porch to here. No way could I manage I full flight of steps. The den will do."

"The living room is closer," Gen offered. "How about I set you up on the couch there?"

Again he shook his head. "I want to go to the den."

Not wanting to start an argument, she conceded. The den was down a hallway and set slightly away from the rest of the house. It also had pocket doors that sometimes allowed them to use the room as an extra bedroom for guests. Only this time she had a bad feeling Johnny was about to use those doors to shut himself off from the rest of the world.


	15. Chapter 15

To the reviewer who asked about Chet...I haven't forgotten about him and he will be showing up again shortly.

* * *

"10/4 squad 39," Gen replied "Take directly two treatment two when you arrive."

"Copy Rampart," Morris from 39 replied.

Gen raked a hand through her hair and leaned heavily against the counter. God, she was tired.

She'd hoped that by having Johnny home life might get better. Instead, she was now dealing Olivia's with near daily temper tantrums which were almost always spawned from something to do with Johnny. In addition, Johnny had done exactly what she'd worried he would do and was now using the den as a way to hide himself away from the rest of the world. Every time she checked on him he was either sleeping or staring absently out the window.

Her pushing him to eat usually resulted in an argument, ending with her leaving later with the untouched food. Deep down, she understood he was struggling to come to terms with everything that had happened, but with each passing day his depression seemed to worsen.

She didn't dare mention the idea of him speaking with a therapist. At this point she didn't really care who he talk to, just as long as he talked with someone. Gen eyed the coffee pot, considered the idea of sneaking a cup. Getting through this shift would be much easier with a little caffeine boost. Before she could act on her thoughts a noise had her turning back toward the hall.

Instantly, she stopped short at the sight of Marco walking toward her with another uniformed man in tow. "Good Morning, Gen," Marco greeted as he stopped at the nurse's station desk.

"Actually that remains to be seen," Gen replied then let out a sigh.

Marco's smile faltered. "I take it things are not good in the Gage household?"

"You take it right." She shook her head. "Johnny's so depressed. He barely eats. He won't talk to anyone and he does the absolute bare minimum to appease Olivia. Somethings got to give soon or I don't know what I'm going to do."

Marco frowned. "I'm really sorry, Gen. I wish I could do something to help."

"You can," Gen replied, "Finish your investigation so we at least know where we stand." She then nodded to the man next to him and extended a hand. "I'm sorry. I don't think we've met. Genevieve Gage."

The man shook her hand and gave her a small smile. "I know who you are," he replied. "And I'm sorry we have to meet under these circumstances, but I have to say it's nice to finally meet you. I'm Captain Peterson."

Gen slowly released his hand and arched a brow. "How do you know who I am?"

His smile widened. "I'm not sure if there is a person in the department who doesn't know who you are Mrs. Gage. Though I think most of them know you as Ms. Conti."

Embarrassment flamed through her at his statement. "Ah, yes. That whole me being the first female firefighter thing. I keep forgetting."

He chuckled. "Yes, well, a lot of positive changes came by way of your time in the department. You might have forgotten what you did to change the face of the LA County Fire Department, but I can assure you that you won't be forgotten any time soon."

"Thanks," she replied, feeling a little weird about the compliment. "I appreciate that." _I think!_

"You're welcome," he replied.

Gen turned her attention back to Marco as her curiosity began to grow. "Um...Marco, not that I'm not happy to see you, but what are you doing here?"

"We got notice that Philips is out of intensive care and in a regular room, so we want to talk to him."

Gen jerked at his statement. With the new complications of having Johnny at home now, she'd allowed the days to get away from her. "Oh," was all she could think to say. "I hadn't heard." Of course she'd been off for two days navigating the new minefield that was her home.

"Apparently it happened sometime yesterday," Marco replied. "With everything going on now with the lawsuit and Johnny, the sooner we can talk to Philips and get his side of things the better."

Gen could feel her pulse speed up and she willed herself to remain calm. "How's it going so far?"

Peterson frowned. "Now Mrs. Gage, you you know we can't divulge information during an active investigation."

"And you need to know that my family's entire future rests on the results of this investigation," Gen shot back. "So forgive me if I have more of an interest in this investigation than you deem appropriate, Mr. Peterson."

"Gen." Marco placed a hand on her shoulder and she cut her gaze to meet his. "No matter what happens, it will be okay."

The now familiar lump in her throat returned and she swallowed hard. "You don't know that," she replied, her voice hoarse.

Before he could reply, squad 39 arrived with their patient. She spotted them and pulled away from Marco's touch. "Regular rooms are on the third floor emergency. I'm sorry. I have to go." She turned and headed up the hall to meet 39's paramedic's and the accident victim in their care.

An hour and four patients later Gen walked out of treatment room five to find Marco and Peterson once again standing at the nurse's desk. "How did it go?" Gen asked as she approached.

"Very well," Peterson replied. "Which is partly why we're back down here."

"Oh?" Gen murmured. Needing something to do with her hands, she reached for a mug and poured herself a cup of coffee. She was just about to take a drink when Brackett approached, spotted her and immediately began to scowl.

"No coffee, Missy," he scolded as he plucked the cup out of her grasp. "You know better than that."

She couldn't help the frown that crossed her face. Oh what she wouldn't do for a real cup of coffee. "Once this kids is born the first thing I'm doing is having a gallon of coffee."

Brackett scowl slipped into a quick grin and he chuckled. "We'll see about that."

"Um, Doc," Marco interjected. "I know how busy you are, but I need to interview everyone involved in the call from 51 right before the accident."

Brackett exchanged glances with Gen before he spoke. "Gen originally took the call, but I came in just a few minutes later."

"Anyone else, Doc?" Peterson asked.

Brackett shook his head. "No one else. Why?"

"Philips says Thomas Ridley had opened a line to Rampart right before the accident."

Gen nodded, knowing she and Brackett were the last two people to hear Thomas Ridley's voice.

"That's correct," Brackett replied. "I still don't see how that fits into your investigation, though."

"In Philips description of what happened, he says Johnny gave orders for them to evacuate immediately, which he and Ridley ignored."

Gen's eyes widened as shock ricocheted through her. _They ignored Johnny's orders?_

"I'm sorry, but that still doesn't explain what this has to do with us and the bay station call," Brackett repeated.

"You do still record all your calls?" Marco asked.

Suddenly the connection made sense. Gen cut her attention from Marco to Kel and watched as awareness lit in his eyes and he nodded. "Actually, I have the tape in my office. If you have the time-"

"Oh, we have the time," Captain Peterson cut him off.

"Then let's head to my office."

She wanted to go with them, yet at the same time the last thing she wanted was to hear that call again. Even now, she could still hear the faint echoes of Ridley's voice deep in the recesses of her mind. Yet, her feet were moving before she could stop them and she followed the others to Brackett's office.

Within minutes Ridley's ghostly voice filled the room. _Rampart, Squad 51._

 _Go ahead 51._ Gen never quite got used to hearing herself on tape and shifted uncomfortably as she continued to listen to her response.

 _Rampart, we have a male, approximately 70 years of age, he's collapsed after becoming agitate. Blood pressure is ninety over sixty, pulse is 120, respiration is 30 and labored. Sending you a strip. Are you receiving?_

 _We receive, 51._

Several seconds of silence passed before Brackett's voice blared from the speaker. _51 I read sinus tachycardia . Start IV D5W, administer 2 amps sodium bicarb and send me another strip_

 _10/4 rampart, IV D5W-_ Ridley's sentence trailed off and even though she knew it was coming, Gen's body jerked as she heard Johnny's voice in the background.

 _We're losing ground. We have to move now!_ Johnny yelled

 _If we move him now we'll lose him._ Philips argued.

 _If we don't move right now we all die._ Johnny shot back. Gen closed her eyes and pushed away the need to cry as she continued to listen. _Get him in the stokes, now. That's an order._

 _51 are you in danger?_ They listened to Brackett's disembodied voice ask.

 _Affirmitave Rampart,_ came Ridey reply. _We need-_ Just like the first time, his statement was cut off by Johnny's shout of _look out_ , then the sounds of what Gen now knew was a burning tree crashing through the home.

 _51 do you copy?_ Brackett's question was met with silence and he pushed the off button, stopping the tape. "The next contact we had was from Squad 39 calling in from the same scene."

Marco exchanged an unreadable look with Captain Peterson. "Confirms what Philips told us," Peterson stated.

Marco nodded. "Yes, Captain it does." He turned to face Brackett. "We'll need that tape as evidence and statements from both of you."

"D-" Gen started to speak, stopped and cleared her throat. "Does this help or hurt the case against Johnny?"

Captain Peterson gave Gen a sympathetic look. "Like I said before, we can't really talk about the case, but I can tell you this tape will go a long way toward reaching a quick resolution."

"Fabulous," Gen murmured. "So we'll know sooner rather than later if the Alcott's family will be able to ruin our lives." With some difficulty, she pushed up from the chair. "I'm going back to work."


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Gen turned her face toward the sun and let out a breath. With only two weeks until Olivia's birthday, she was starting to feel the stress. While she'd gotten word that a Judge had indeed thrown out the lawsuit, it hadn't seemed to make a difference to Johnny. He was still as sullen as ever.

Even when she tried to engage him in conversation, his reply was nothing more than a simple...Do whatever you want. I'm fine with it.

She'd even conceded on the horse issue, hoping it would help snap him out of his funk. No such luck. All he seemed to want to do was sleep.

Thankfully, Mike and Alyssa volunteered to help her prepare for Olivia's party. That took care of her immediate problem, but with Johnny unable or unwilling to pull himself out of this depression he's in, she couldn't help but to also think beyond the party. With only two months until her due date, if something didn't give with him soon she might very well be having this baby alone.

Gen gave Olivia's swing a tiny push, then paused to watch the old blue car pull down the drive and stop. When in the world is Chet going to get rid of that old beater?

"Mommy, ush." Olivia demanded.

Even as she kept her gaze trained on Chet, Gen gave the swing another small push.

He stepped out of the car, stretched then turned his attention toward her and smiled. "I wasn't sure if you'd be working today."

Gen shook her head as she continued with her task. "I'm off today and tomorrow. Haven't seen you in a while. How's life at 51's?"

Chet ambled up to the edge of the swing set and stopped. "Strange and sad." He curled one hand around the metal swing set leg. "Knowing Ridley's gone and Philips probably won't be coming back has been hard on the rest us. Way too many new faces."

"I bet." Gen nodded. "It's been hard on John too."

"Yeah," Chet agreed. "So I hear." He angled his head toward the house and nodded. "He inside?"

Gen looked past him to den window and let the sadness she'd been trying to push away by playing with Olivia, settle over her. "He's in the den."

"Mind if I go talk to him?" Chet asked.

So far Mike and Roy had both talked to him with no luck. More than likely Chet wouldn't have any better result. She shook her head, "I doubt he'll be receptive, but go ahead."

"He's still really depressed, huh?"

"That's an understatement," Gen murmured. "But please, go on in. Maybe he'll listen to you."

Chet turned and walked to the house. Gen watched him open the back door and step inside. Then she turned back to Olivia. Since Johnny couldn't be the parent Olivia needed right now, she would damn well do her best to take up the slack.

John heard the knock on the pocket door, but didn't move from where he lay on his side staring out the window. It wasn't Genevieve. Gen wouldn't knock. Anybody else he'd just as soon they go away. It wasn't as if he was in the mood to talk to anyone.

He heard the door slide open and barely resisted the urge to grind his teeth in frustration.

After several seconds of silence Chet's voice filled the air. "I know you're awake. So you might as well turn over and talk to me."

Knowing Chet wasn't going to go away easily, John slowly rolled over to face him. "What do you want, Chet?"

Chet eased into the chair near the fireplace. "I came to see how you were feeling."

"Still injured and recovering. You can go now," John shot back. He really had no reason to be so nasty to Chet. After all, what happened wasn't his fault.

"I can see that," Chet replied. "I also see someone who might be feeling just a bit sorry for himself."

Anger flared through John and he pushed up to a sitting position, then winced at the pull on his stitches. "You have no clue of what you're talking about," John hissed through gritted teeth.

Chet arched a brow. "Don't I?" He leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. "You seem to forget, I was there, pal. I saw you in action."

"Then you of all people know I screwed up," Johnny replied as he let his gaze drift toward the covers.

"You didn't screw up," Chet argued.

John opened his mouth to protest only to have Chet hold up a hand stopping him. "Just shut up and listen to me for a minute," Chet replied. "Yes, I saw how nervous and worried you were. Hell, every one of us were shitting ourselves when that fire was bearing down on us."

John started to speak again only to have Chet cut him off. "I'm not done, so just sit there, shut up and listen to me," he grumbled. He paused and gave John a thoughtful look. "I've worked with you a long time and yes, on occasion I've seen you be reckless with yourself, but-" he held up a finger. "I've never once witnessed you be reckless at the expense of anyone else."

"Ridley's dead and Philips is paralyzed," Johnny reminded even as a fresh shot of guilt sluiced through him. It had to be his fault. They were under his command, so that made what happened to them his fault...didn't it?

"Yes, they are," Chet agreed. "And Ridley will be deeply missed, but you didn't cause his death."

"The internal affairs investigation might disagree." He suppressed a shiver at that thought. While he could accept their findings against him, especially since he felt the same way, he couldn't help but consider what a guilty result would do to his family.

Gen believed in him with such passion that the mere thought of failing her left him with such a paralyzing feeling, he could barely function. Then there was Olivia and their unborn child. Both would be forced to grow up with the stigma of knowing that because their father failed, a man lost life. He'd failed not only his crew, but also their mother and them.

"Not on your life, John," Chet replied, pulling him from his thoughts.

"You don't know that."

"What I know," Chet began, "is that you did everything humanly possible to give your crew the best chance to try and save that couple. Even after the tree fell on the house...which by the way was scary as hell for the rest of us who had to helplessly watch...you came out of the rubble worrying about those in your charge. Injured and bleeding, all you could think about was your men."

He pushed up and walked over to the pull out couch, where Johnny lay and eased down on the edge of the bed. "You know I'm not one to get sappy, ever, but I think it's important for you to know that I've always trusted and admired you and I'm proud as hell to be your friend and your engineer."

With that he stood and walked to the door, paused and looked back. "See you at the station, Captain Gage."

For several minutes all John could do was stare at the empty doorway. Never in all the years he'd known Chester B Kelly had he ever held us a serious conversation with the man. Never, would he have thought he'd ever hear Chet utter the words he'd just said.

Was it possible Chet was right? If Ridley's death wasn't his fault, then why did he feel so guilty?

Within seconds Olivia came bounding into the room and raced toward the bed. "Daddy, daddy, daddy. I side."

"You did?" John replied as he watched her climb up onto the bed with ease. Man, she was growing up so damn fast.

"She did," Gen replied from the doorway. "She finally got up the nerve, climbed the ladder and slid down all by herself."

John looked up and a fresh wave of guilt washed over him. Dark circles encompassed her eyes and despite being pregnant, she'd lost weight and she was a bit pale.

Because of his injury she'd been thrust into the position of single parent, primary breadwinner and nurse to him. Add in being nearly eight months pregnant and he could see the stress in her face. Yet she hadn't complained. Sometimes she simply amazed him. He certainly wasn't worthy of her love.

"Daddy!"

Olivia's exasperated voice cut through his thoughts and he turned his attention back to her. "Yes baby."

"I side. You came see." She tugged on his hand, pulling as if she thought she could actually move him. "See, daddy." she repeated.

Deep down he knew he should climb from the bed and follow them outside, but his side hurt. Not to mention Chet's words were still swimming inside his head. "Not right now, baby." He shook his head. "Daddy doesn't feel good."

"Peeze," Olivia whined and he caught Gen tense out of the corner of his eye. They both knew when Olivia started whining it meant a tantrum wasn't far away.

"I will later, baby. How about instead, you get your coloring books and crayons?"

She paused and he could almost see her little mind working. She eyed him with a suspicion no two year old should have. Damn had he caused that?

"Daddy color?"

"Yes, boo. Daddy will color."

"O'tay," She scurried off the bed and ran down the hallway as fast as her little legs would go.

Gen leaned against the door frame. "You didn't have to do that, you know."

"I know," he replied as he took the opportunity to assess her again. Yeah, she needed to rest.

"If you don't feel good-" He held up a hand, stopping her.

"I don't, but I know you could use a brake. Besides, maybe I can get her to take a nap, which means you could take one too."

She appeared to consider his statement then gave a small nod. "Okay. So what did Chet have to say?"

Bits and pieces of his conversation with Chet replayed through his mind. His words mixed and mingled with John's guilt and sorrow, creating a confusing blend of feelings that had him questioning everything he was thinking.

What he needed was a sounding board, someone who could help him make sense of all contradicting thoughts running through his head. Gen was a great listener and she'd been begging nearly from the moment the accident happened, for him to talk to her. Still, right now she looked so tired, so haggard and weak. The last thing she needed was him burdening her with all of his random and confusing thoughts. "Nothing important," he replied.


	17. Chapter 17

Holding a large batch of balloons, Gen walked to the end of the drive. In exactly three hours people would start arriving for Olivia's party and she was far from being ready. Much to her surprise, Johnny had actually emerged from the den, taken a shower in the downstairs bathroom, then offered his help.

It was just another in a series of small, but encouraging steps she'd seen from him over the past week or so. He was far from being himself and for every step forward he made, usually it was followed by another step back, but at least he was trying, which was more than she could say for him before Chet's visit.

Johnny insisted that Chet hadn't said anything important, but based on Johnny's behavior she suspected otherwise. Whatever it was, she'd have to remember to give Chet a kiss today if he came.

Right now John was sitting at the kitchen table cutting vegetables for the tray. While it was obvious to her that he was still fighting the depression, it appeared that maybe, just maybe he was finally winning the battle.

She tied the balloons to the mailbox post, then lowered the flag, which signaled they had mail, and reached inside. Her fingers came into contact with several envelopes and she pulled them out. Without looking at them, she closed the mailbox door and headed back to the house.

It wasn't until she was walking across the living room that she began perusing the mail and came across the envelope addressed to Johnny from the LACoFD.

Her heart skipped a beat then sped up. Was this the results the IA investigation? She wanted to know, but at the same time didn't. What if, by some strange turn of events they found him guilty? With Ridley's death and Philips injury still hanging over his head, he was on fragile ground as it was. The last thing he needed right now was the department finding fault with him.

For a split second she considered putting the envelope aside and giving it to him tomorrow, but before she could act on that thought he spotted her standing in the doorway.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Um," she murmured then slowly closed the distance between them and handed him the envelope. John's face screwed into a confused frown, then as awareness lit in his eyes his expression changed to something more guarded. She barely remembered not to hold her breath as she waited for him to open it.

For several seconds he simply stared at the envelope. Then slowly, almost painfully, he tore into it and began to read the letter. She tried to gauge his reaction and noted how he swallowed hard, then suddenly averted his gaze. No! No way could they possibly have found him guilty. Even they wouldn't be so cruel as to put something like that in a letter. "W-what does it say?" she dared to ask, though judging by the look on his face, the news wasn't good. "Johnny?"

"It..um-" He swallowed again, then pushed away from the table and stood. "I'm to report next Tuesday for the official review hearing. I-um...I'm going to go lay down for a little bit."

 _No, please don't pull away._ "Johnny?"

He shook his head. "I'm suddenly not feeling very well right now. I'm sorry."

Her heart sank as he disappeared out the kitchen door. A minute later she heard the faint sound of the pocket doors closing.

Gen eased into the chair and snared the letter. With shaky fingers she unfolded the paper and began to read.

 _Dear Captain Gage:_

 _Per the rules set forth by the Los Angeles County Fire Department board of Inquiry, you are hereby ordered to report before the Board next Tuesday at 9:00 am for an official hearing and determination regarding the incident at the Alcott residence located at 10719 Patterson Lane on seven September of this year._

 _You are advised to bring your union advocate._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Chief Sullivan_

 _Internal Affairs_

If they were advising him to bring his union advocate did that mean the results weren't going to be favorable?

Gen set the paper aside and folded her arms on the table top, then lowered her head to rest on top of her hands. Why did the letter have to come today and ruin everything?

* * *

Roy flipped the burgers on the grill and Joanne handed out the cooked hot dogs to those who wanted them. "Sit, Gen," Emily Stanley ordered. "You look like you're dead on your feet."

Gen glanced over to where Olivia played on the swing set with a couple of her friends from daycare while Roy's daughter, Jennifer watched over them. Satisfied Olivia was in good hands, eased herself into the chair and let out a sigh. It did feel good to sit. "You look tired," Hank observed.

"I'm okay," Gen replied, though she wasn't sure she even believed her declaration. She knew the accumulation of stresses were starting to get to her and there didn't seem to be an end in sight.

Hank frowned. "I know that look."

"What look?"

"That I'm trying to be strong, but something is bothering me look."

Gen raked her hand through her hair. "Still can't get anything past you, can I?"

"Nope," he replied. "Now spill it, Genevieve. What has you upset?"

She told him about the letter and how Johnny had instantly retreated. Her fear that she was losing him and her worry over what would happen at the hearing. Emily handed her a tissue even as Hank pushed up from his chair.

"John's inside, right?"

Gen dabbed at her eyes with the tissue. When in the hell had she started crying? "What are you going to do?"

"Something I should have done a lot sooner." Hank replied.

* * *

John sat up in the bed and stared blankly out the window, watching the party go on without him. Just as well. No way could he bring himself to face all of them after what happened. Roy, Chet, Cap and Mike knew the real deal and he wasn't sure he'd be able to handle the knowing looks he'd receive.

Yes, he'd felt guilty about bailing on Gen, but Mike and Alyssa had arrived not long after he'd opened the letter. They'd helped Gen and from what he could see, Roy and Joanne were also helping. She could handle the party without him. Besides, it wasn't as if Olivia would notice he was missing. He heard the screen door open, then slam shut. More than likely Cap was heading for the bathroom. After all, so far everyone had left him alone. That, he was sure was thanks to Gen warning them off.

When he didn't hear the bathroom door close, John turned his head in time to see Cap push open the pocket door. _Oh man!_

Hank stopped in the doorway and stared at John. "You got a minute?"

Now how was he supposed to respond to that? "I'm not feeling very well," he murmured.

Cap stepped into the room. "I know. Gen told me." He grabbed the chair by the fireplace and dragged it to the edge of the bed. "I know you don't feel well, but all you have to do is sit there and listen, okay?"

John didn't reply. He knew Hank Stanley well enough to know he would say his peace regardless of what John wanted.

Hank eased back in the chair, rested his elbows on the chair arms and steepled his fingers. "I just want you to know that I know what you're feeling."

John shook his head. "No offense, but you didn't lose a man under your command."

"Didn't I?" Hank asked. "You're station is part of my responsibility, which means ultimately Ridley and Philips were both under my command."

"But, you weren't there. It wasn't the decision you made that cost Ridley his life."

"It wasn't yours either," Hank countered.

"But-"

Hank held up a hand. "Now just hear me out, okay?"

John closed his mouth and nodded. There wasn't anyone in the department he respected more than Hank Stanley.

"As your Battalion Chief, I've been privy to parts of the internal affairs investigation. From everything I've heard and read I don't see where any part of what happened was your fault."

"I should have made them move sooner," John countered, even as the lump in his throat grew. Why was he talking about this? The last thing he wanted to do was think about it. Though if he was being honest with himself it seemed all he did was think about it.

Still, thinking about it and talking about it were two different things.

"And what would have happened to the old man if they'd moved him without immediate treatment?"

John considered that question. "He was in full arrest. He probably would have died."

"Right," Cap replied. "I've never known John Gage to intentionally allow someone to die."

"But, I did make that decision," John observed. "Right before the tree fell, I ordered them to stop and move, knowing he would probably die."

"Lose one life or five," Cap observed. "That's a tough decision for any Captain to have to make." He shifted, leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. "Do you think Roy could have done any better if he'd been in your position? Or me for that matter. Do you think I would have done something different?"

John opened his mouth, closed it again. "I don't know."

"Well, I can't speak for Roy, but I can tell you that I probably would have done exactly the same things you did."

"Know that doesn't change how I feel," John replied.

Hank nodded. "I know. You feel responsible and guilty as hell, right?"

For the first time since he'd walked into the room John looked up and met Hank's gaze.

"What your feeling is normal, John." He sighed. "Do you think for one second that I didn't feel guilty when you got bit by that rattlesnake?"

"But that was just a fluke," John replied. "You had no way of being able to prevent that from happening."

Hank shook his head. "Didn't change the fact that I felt guilty as hell about it. What about the time when you got hit by the drunk driver or when you're line broke on that high rise rescue?"

John nodded. "I remember Roy saying that you were beating yourself up both times." He paused, then shook his head. "But neither of those incidents resulted in an investigation. You didn't have the victim's family file a wrongful death suit against you."

"You're right," Hank replied, "but due to the high mortality and injury rate, the investigation was necessary and Gen told me a judge threw out the lawsuit."

John nodded. "He did, but that doesn't change the fact that the Alcott's family hold me responsible for their parent's death."

"The Alcott's family are in mourning and are trying to make sense of their loss. They're hurting and angry and are lashing out. That doesn't mean what they're saying is true."

"IA has ordered me to the official hearing on Tuesday. What if they think I was wrong?"

"They won't," Hank replied.

"But what if they do?" John asked. "Not only does that pave the way for the family to refile their lawsuit, but what will that mean for my family?"

"Gen loves you, Johnny. I've never seen anyone as devoted and passionate about another person as Gen is about you. No matter what happens at the hearing I know she'd stand by you, but you have to be willing to help yourself."

"I don't want her to have to go through all that," Johnny protested.

"Well," Hank replied thoughtfully. "Then just keep doing what you're doing and you won't have to worry about it."

His statement had John frowning in confusion. "Just what do you mean by that?"

"I mean that if you continue to shut her out, eventually she'll have no choice but to leave."

"Gen wouldn't wouldn't do that," John countered, even as the question gained teeth in his mind. He'd never considered the fact that she might leave.

"She wouldn't want to," Hank replied, "Doing it would probably crush her, but you're not the only love in her life, John, and she has a responsibility to your children. A responsibility you're currently putting off because you can't move past your own guilt."

"I-" John started to protest, then stopped, sighed and feeling defeated, started again. "Maybe she'd be better off if she did leave."

Hank frowned. "Now we both know that's not true."

For the second time in the conversation John met his gaze. "I'm not so sure about that, Cap." He caught himself at the use of the familiar nickname. No matter what position Hank Stanley held in the department he'd always and forever be Cap to John. "I mean, I don't want to be this way. I hate feeling the way I do, but I don't know how to pull myself out of it." Emotions welled deep in his chest and John sucked in a ragged breath. "Every night I go do bed telling myself that tomorrow I will do better. That I'll be the husband Gen needs and the father Olivia deserves, but then I wake up and this black cloud settles over me and I can barely drag myself out of this bed. She shouldn't be forced to live this way just because I can't find a way out of...of...whatever this is I'm feeling."

"Then you need to get some professional help, John."

John shook his head at the statement. It was one thing to pour his heart out to a friend and someone he respected, but no way was he going to talk to some stranger who wanted nothing more than to dig around inside his head. "No. No shrink."

Cap frowned. "John."

"No," Johnny protested a little harder. He'd had enough of the whole therapist thing after his parents died. It didn't help then and it wouldn't help now. "I'll get better own my own."

"And how's that philosophy been working out for you so far?" Hank asked point blank.

John didn't answer, couldn't. So far he'd failed at everything he did, so what made him think he'd be able to go it alone?

Hank pushed up from the chair and leveled a look on John that would have any grown man squirming. "I love you like family, John and I'm telling you right now that if I were you, I'd rethink your stance on the therapist, or you may end up losing the most important people in your life."


	18. Chapter 18

_Just a quick note: I spent several days trying to research how IA hearings are administered and pretty much came up blank. All I kept finding was the definitions of what IA was, not information how how proceedings were handled. So I kind of had to find my own way through this with how I thought things would go. So this probably isn't exactly how an actual hearing would proceed, but hey...it is fiction right?_

* * *

"You don't have to come with me," Johnny said as he slowly put on his dress uniform.

Gen paused as she hunted through her closet for something appropriate to wear. She turned to look at him. For the first time since the accident she really noticed how much this situation had taken it's toll on him. Yes, he'd lost weight and yes he'd been withdrawn and moody, but she hadn't before noticed the dark circles under his eyes or the tiny flecks of gray around his temple, or the faint age lines in his face. What exactly was happening to the love of her life? "There's no placed I would rather be than by your side."

"Still-" He shook his head. "I don't know how bad it might be. What if it's disturbing or graphic?"

Gen frowned. "Have you forgotten where I work or what I'd seen when I was a paramedic? I mean seriously..."

"Yes, but this is different," John argued.

"How is it different?" she challenged.

"I don't want you subjected to the ugliness of what happened that day. It's bad enough I'm having to live through it. I don't want you to-" He cut off the rest of the sentence and turned back to his task.

 _Oh no you don't!_ No way was she going to allow him to pull away yet again. "You don't want me to what?" she pushed.

"Nothing." John shook his head.

She abandoned her hunt for a pair of shoes to go with the maternity slacks and blouse she'd chosen and walked toward him. "You don't want me to what?" she repeated.

"I said never mind," John snapped.

Awareness dawned in her mind and she grabbed his hands, forcing him to stop. "Look at me," she demanded.

When he didn't move she tightened her grip. "Damn it, Johnny. Look at me."

Finally, ever so slowly, he lifted his gaze to meet hers. And there it was, she noted. The utter fear staring back at her. Suddenly his not wanting her there made complete sense. "I love you," she whispered and nearly choked on the words as emotion welled in her chest. "Nothing they can reveal today changes that fact. I don't care about their findings. I don't care about whatever determination they make." She released one of his hands and lifted her's to cup his cheek. "I only care about you and I'm not going to leave you when you need my support the most."

"I just want to protect you," he replied, his words shaky.

"I don't need protecting." Gen leaned in to give him a soft kiss on the cheek. "I love you and I want to be there for you no matter what the outcome."

She noted how his eyes grew glassy and he swallowed hard, but other than that his expression didn't change. "You may think differently after today."

"Not a chance," she replied. "You forget that I've worked with you and I know what kind of a person you really are."

"M-maybe I'm not that person anymore." He slid his arm free of her, turned and walked to the dresser, putting several feet between them. His action was a jab to her heart. It was more than just the physical distance, it was the emotional distance this depression of his had created. Couldn't he see that he was sick, and how long would she have to stand by and watch him suffer? How could she help him when he wouldn't help himself?

 _Don't let him push you away._ Brackett's words rattled around inside her head. Damn it, even if Johnny was ready to give up, she wasn't. Feeling a renewed sense of defiance, she folded her arms over her baby bump. "I'm going with you to the hearing and that's final."

* * *

"Captain John Roderick Gage, you are here today to receive the determination by the LA County Fire Department Internal Affairs investigation of the call on seven September to 10719 Patterson Lane that resulted in the death of two civilians, and one paramedic and critically injured another paramedic and yourself," Chief McConakee said.

Gen sat three chairs in from the aisle in the second row behind the table where John stood with his Union advocate. Her nerves danced with fear while the Chief spoke and needing to do something with herself she slowly scanned the room. Hank Stanley was there, along with Chet, Marco and the rest of John's crew. Roy had called right before they left, to say he had shift and couldn't make it, but had wished John good luck.

Philip's girlfriend, Rebecca eased down into the seat next to her and took Gen's hand. "You okay?" she whispered.

Gen nodded and gave her hand a squeeze. "How are you doing?"

Rebecca returned her nod with one of her own. "Hanging in there. I'm sorry I didn't make Olivia's party."

"It's okay," Gen whispered. "I understand. We'll talk more later."

Rebecca gave an angled nod to the back row opposite of them, where several people sat Gen didn't recognize. "Who are they?"

Gen gave a shrug, just as Chief Sullivan began to speak. "Now normally these type of hearings are closed to anyone outside the department who are not family or expert witnesses. However, do to the nature of the incident in question and the interest with which the Alcott's children have in the results of these proceedings we have been petitioned to allow the family to attend."

Gen tensed and noted how John did also. The last thing he needed was to have to face their accusing stares. Then she slowly turned and looked back at the strangers taking up the back row. So those were the people who wanted to ruin his life?

Chief Sullivan continued, "Captain Gage, you may take your seat. We will now hear from Investigator Lopez and his supervisor Captain Peterson, who will present all evidence gathered during this investigation."

All through Marco's opening statement and Captain Peterson's notes, Gen cut quick glances back at the strangers. There were five of them total and from what she could ascertain, it appeared to be two couples and a single individual. Just how did they feel about John? Did they see him as some monster? Were they even slightly curious about him and his family or were they just after money?

The sound of the bay station tape being played pulled Gen from her thoughts and she turned her attention back to the proceedings. At the sound of her voice playing through the speakers, she noted Johnny's quick intake of breath and the way his body tensed. Had he not known she'd been on the other end of that call? They'd never actually talked about it at any point, so it was possible he didn't.

Brackett's voice followed Gen's and then Johnny's voice could be heard in the background. The tape ended as it had both times before, with chaos and fear.

Marco pressed the stop button and Captain Peterson spoke. "In addition to the bay station tape, we have a sworn statement from paramedic Philips. He states that he and his partner, paramedic Thomas Ridley arrived at the Alcott residence a few minutes before seven pm on seven September. They did so as part of a routine evacuation process. At this point they encountered Mr. Alcott and his wife. According to paramedic Philips, despite the standing order to evacuate and the impending fire, Mr. Alcott refused to leave the residence. After several minutes of trying to convince Mr. Alcott to leave with his wife and having no success, paramedic Philips called for backup." He looked up from his paper at John. "This is where you came in, correct Captain Gage?"

John nodded. "Yes. Engine 51 was dispatched to the Alcott property for an assist with an evacuation."

"And in your own words, please tell us what happened upon your arrival." Captain Peterson said.

"I assessed the situation and positioned my linemen between the home and the fire and ordered them to protect the structure. Then I proceeded inside to assist my paramedics Thomas Ridley and Ken Philips."

"What did you find when you made it inside the house?"

"Paramedics Ridley and Philips were trying to convince Mr. Alcott to evacuate. I spoke briefly with Ridley, then attempted to convey the dangers of the situation to Mr. Alcott, myself. I'd barely finished my sentence when Mr. Alcott began arguing with me. He said he wasn't leaving his home so we might as well just leave. Then he grabbed his chest and fell forward into my arms."

"What was wrong with Mr. Alcott?"

"It appeared that he was having a heart attack." John answered with an emotionless and factual tone to his voice.

"What did you do next?"

John spent the next five minutes describing exactly what happened. As he finished with the trip to the hospital, Captain Peterson held up a hand, stopping him. "Thank you, that's good, Captain Gage."

He turned his attention back to the document in front of him. "Now I'd like to add in the rest of paramedic Philips' testimony. He states that he and paramedic Ridley were told by you not to 'waste any time'." He air quoted the words. "Is this correct?"

John nodded. "Yes, Sir."

"Why did you you tell them that?"

"The fire was bearing down on us and we were all going to be in danger within a matter of seconds."

"Then why not have them move immediately?"

"If we'd moved without at least starting treatment the very real possibility existed that Mr. Alcott wouldn't survive or if he did he'd survive with brain damage."

"Captain Gage," Captain Peterson continued. "Paramedic Philips states, and it has been confirmed by the bay station tape that he and paramedic Ridley defied a direct order from you to evacuate. Keeping this information in mind, do you think there was anything you could have done differently to prevent the loss of life that day?"

A long silence met the question as John sat stock still. "Captain Gage?"

Slowly, John shook his head. "I've spent nearly every waking hour since that night thinking about that exact question."

"And what have you determined?" Captain Peterson asked.

"I don't know of anything I could have done to prevent what happened." John replied. "However, it doesn't change the fact that I feel responsible, but I honestly don't know, with the time frame I had to work within, how I could have done anything that might have prevented what happened."

"Thank you, Captain Gage." Captain Peterson replied. He turned and looked at Chief Sullivan. "Chief Sullivan, after reviewing all possible evidence in this case and taking into consideration the testimony of engineer Chester B Kelly, paramedic Ken Philips and Captain Gage, and assessing the information provided by Katherine Alcott Winston, youngest daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Alcott, we find no determination of fault on Captain Gage's part with regard to the tragic accident that happened at the Alcott residence on seven September."

Chief Sullivan nodded. "I concur with that determination." He turned to the other members of the review board. "Does anyone disagree with Captain Peterson and Investigator Lopez's findings?"

The four other members of the board shook their heads. "Very well. Then it is the decision of the Internal Affairs Board of review that Captain John Roderick Gage was in no way negligent or careless with regard to the incident at the Alcott residence on seven September. Captain Gage, you are cleared of any and all allegations with regard to this tragic accident. Once you have been medically released, you are free to return to work and resume your position as Captain of Station 51's B shift. This hearing is now closed."


	19. Chapter 19

Man she was tired!

Gen slowly moved around the kitchen as she worked on dinner. Part of her exhaustion came from that she'd worked all day. Add to it the fact that she was carrying around an extra person and she knew she should be tired, but this was a different level of tired. It felt as if she hadn't slept in weeks.

Of course, she probably hadn't really slept well since the day before the accident. Ever since then she'd been sleeping alone and worrying about Johnny, Olivia and her life in general. Now that the Internal Affairs investigation was over and Johnny had been cleared maybe somewhere deep in her subconscious she knew the worst was over. Because of that she'd let down her guard and had finally begun to relax.

Now she felt every extra hour she'd worked, every missed nap and every sleepless night. Too bad she still had another month to go before she went on maternity leave. She pulled the macaroni off the stove and finished mixing the cheese.

"Olivia, dinner," she called as she scooped some mac and cheese onto a small plate.

Olivia raced into the room, stopped next to her high chair and raised her arms. "Up mommy."

Gen picked her up, immediately felt an uncomfortable twinge and put her right back down. What in the hell was that all about? "Um...pumpkin, mommy really needs you to climb into your chair."

Olivia gave her a confused look. "Mommy said no climb."

"I know what I said, but picking you up hurts mommy. I need you to climb."

"You ouchie," Olivia asked and placed a hand on Gen's belly.

Gen smiled. "That's not an ouchie. That's the baby."

Olivia frowned as a look of confusion once again claimed her features. "No ouchie?"

"Not there. Mommy's back hurts. Now up you go."

Olivia turned and climbed into her high chair then forgoing the tray, Gen pushed it toward the table. Thankfully, by the time the new baby was ready to use the high chair Olivia would have moved to the regular chairs with a couple of phone books as boosters. She placed the plate in front of Olivia, then turned and made a plate for Johnny. "I'll be right back."

She made her way down the hall to the den and walked in. Johnny sat in the chair near the fireplace and stared out the window. So much for the results of the investigation helping to pull him from his funk. "Penny for your thoughts."

He looked up. "Huh?"

"I said a penny for your thoughts."

He gave her a sad smile. "I don't think they're worth that much."

His statement had her anger flaring and she worked to push it back down. Why did he do that to himself? She understood he still had to work through some issues, but she had hoped with the investigation now over and Johnny cleared of any wrong doing he might snap out of whatever was going on inside his head. Apparently that wasn't going to happen. "I thought you might like something to eat."

"Thanks, but I'm not all that hungry." He motioned to the nearby table. "You can just leave it there and I'll have some later."

On a sigh she'd turned to set the plate down only to be interrupted by the ringing of the front doorbell.

"I'm not ready to talk to anyone," Johnny murmured.

"I'll take care of it," Gen replied then headed out of the room. She reached the front door, opened it and stopped short. A short brunette woman, with a heart shaped face and big brown eyes stood on the porch, a look of trepidation on her face. Somehow she looked familiar, as if Gen had seen her before, but she couldn't quite place her. "Can I help you?"

The woman gave a small nod. "Mrs. Gage, I'm Katherine Alcott Winston."

Gen jerked in shock as awareness blasted through her. "You were at the hearing yesterday."

Mrs. Winston nodded. "I know I'm probably one of the last people in the world you want to see, but I was hoping to get a few minutes of your time."

Gen glanced back toward the kitchen where Olivia was eating. "Um...my husband is resting and my daughter is eating dinner, I really can't-"

"Please," Mrs. Winston cut her off. "I won't take much of your time."

For a moment Gen considered her options. It was obvious this woman had something important to say and Gen had to admit she was more than a little curious. Finally conceding, she unlocked the screen and pushed it open. "Come in Mrs. Winston. Forgive me, but we'll need to do this in the kitchen so I can keep an eye on my daughter."

"I understand." She fell into step next to Gen. "I know I'm pushing it, but do you think your husband can join us? After all, he is mostly the reason why I'm here."

Gen cut a glance down the hall. "I-I don't know. I'll find out."

A few minutes later the three of them settled in at the kitchen table. "You have a beautiful daughter," Mrs. Winston began.

"Thank you," Gen replied. "Um...not to be rude, but why are you here?"

Mrs. Winston took a deep breath. "I wanted to set the record straight."

"Regarding?"

"My parents and this stupid lawsuit."

Gen cut a quick glance at Johnny. Despite not saying a word so far, he looked engaged. She the turned her attention back to Mrs. Winston. "Okay, we're listening."

"First, I want to make it clear that I was not part of that stupid lawsuit that was filed. That was entirely my brother and sister."

"Why did they file suit so quickly, Mrs. Winston?" Gen asked.

"Please, call me Katherine," she replied. "Some fast talking lawyer reached out to the three of us stating that he could prove our parents death was caused by negligence from the fire department and that he could get us a lot of money." She shook her head. "I told him to get lost. That I wasn't interested, but my brother is going through a big divorce and my sister is extremely shallow and materialistic. I'm sure they both saw dollar signs and jumped right on board with idea."

"Why didn't you join them?" Johnny finally asked from where he sat.

Katherine turned to look at him. "Because I knew the truth and I couldn't in good conscience do that to you."

"Done, mommy." Olivia picked up her empty plate and handed it to Gen.

Trying to keep up with the conversation Gen turned to Olivia, took the plate and set it aside. She grabbed a napkin and wiped her face. "Very good, pumpkin." She then pushed at the high chair, making room for Olivia to climb down. "Why don't you go play for a little bit and then mommy will help you get a bath?"

"Okay," Olivia replied and slowly slid down the chair to the ground. She turned and grabbed her sippy cup then toddled off to the other room.

Gen turned back to find Katherine smiling. "After seeing you for the first time yesterday and learning you were pregnant, then seeing your daughter just now, I'm really glad that judge threw out the suit."

"You still haven't explain why you didn't join it," Gen prompted.

"Right," Katherine replied and shifted her gaze back to Johnny. "There is something you didn't know about my parents. You see, my entire life my mother smoked. My father too for that matter, but mom was diagnosed with emphysema a about five years ago. She lived a lot longer than the doctors thought she would, but she'd moved into the final stages of the disease about four months ago."

Johnny appeared to consider her statement then frowned. "I don't remember seeing any oxygen or medical equipment in that room."

Katherine nodded. "That's because my father moved her from their bedroom into one of the other bedroom in the house." She paused and drew in a deep breath. "I made a trip out to their place after the fire moved through and knowing where the accident happened, I can tell you that wasn't their bedroom you were in. It was mine and my sister's room. It was also the room closest to the direction the fire was taking."

John's brow knit and Gen felt the same confusion that she read in his face. "I don't think I understand."

Katherine nodded. "Let me see if I can clear things up for you. You see, about a month before the fire he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Apparently, from what I understand it was pretty well along when they found it." She paused, dug into her purse and pulled out a tissue, which she used to dab at her eyes. "I'm sorry, knowing how and why they died doesn't lessen the sting any."

Knowing that pain all too well, Gen reached over and placed a hand on top of Katherine's. "I lost my father suddenly a few years ago," she offered even as that familiar flare of pain reappeared.

Katherine gave her a watery smile. "Then you understand."

Gen nodded.

"Anyway," Katherine said as she turned her attention back to Johnny. "My father had only been given about six months to live. With my mother also on death's door, I'm sure he saw the fire as a way for them to both leave this world together. It was a way to end my mother's suffering and a way for him to end his life before he reached the point of suffering."

John closed his eyes and let out a sigh as he leaned back. "That's why he was so insistent about not leaving."

Katherine nodded and cut her attention back to Gen. "His refusal put your husband and his men in unnecessary danger and because of that one of them is dead and another is paralyzed." She paused, drew in a shaky breath and then switch her attention back to Johnny. "I'm so very sorry for what my father did and knowing that, I couldn't let the fire department blame you for what happened. That's why I shared this information with them. Now that you're cleared of any wrong doing and that information is out there, my greedy siblings also won't be able to refile the lawsuit."

Gen glanced at Johnny and could almost see as the relief washed through him. Now if she could just get him to face Philips maybe their life could finally get back to normal. "Um..." She turned her attention back to Katherine. "Why did you decide to come here today?"

Katherine gave her another small smile. "I was told not to make contact with you until after the hearing, which is why I stayed away. I had hoped that they would read my statement at the hearing yesterday, but all they did was mention that I'd provided information. After the hearing ended and you both left, I spoke to your Chief...um...Chief Stanley I believe was his name." She shifted her attention back to John who for the first time since Katherine's arrival met her stare. "He told me you were struggling with this whole situation and that you were blaming yourself for what happened." She reached out and placed a gentle hand on Johnny's wrist. "I couldn't in good conscience allow you to continue to take the blame. Especially after seeing you both yesterday and knowing you had a child on the way. What happened wasn't your fault, Mr. Gage."


	20. Chapter 20

Johnny walked into emergency and headed for the nurse's desk. He spotted Gen working the bay station and stopped. Even a week after the hearing he was still struggling with the knowledge that she'd been the one who'd taken the call that night. Even when he wanted to protect her, it seemed he couldn't. And why hadn't she said anything to him about it? It wasn't like she hadn't had plenty of opportunities. Feeling confused and frustrated, he continued his way to the desk.

"Transport when ready. What's your ETA fifty one?"

Johnny jerked at the sound of his station being identified.

"About ten minutes, Rampart," Dwyer's voice carried over the speaker

"Ten four, fifty one. Take her to treatment room one when you arrive," Gen replied. She turned, then stopped as a startled look claimed her features. "Hey? What are you doing here?"

"Since Brackett treated me, he has to be the one to sign my release. I'm here for my follow up." Not that he was even close to being ready to go back to work. That was something he'd have to speak with Brackett about. Though his lack of confidence at being able to effectively guide his men wasn't really any of Brackett's concern.

"Gen glanced at treatment room three. "He's in with a heart case right now."

"Oh." A strange sense of relief coursed through John and he turned his gaze toward the exit. Even if he could just buy one more day maybe he could get his head on straight. "I could come back some other time."

"No," Gen nearly shouted. "I mean, he won't be that long and besides, I know a certain paramedic who has been wanting to see you."

John closed his eyes and drew in a steadying breath. No way did he want to face Philips. "I don't know if that's a good idea."

"Stop avoiding him, Johnny."

The tone in her voice had him opening his eyes to look at her. Didn't she understand that he couldn't face Philips? Not after allowing him to get injured. "I'm not avoiding him."

"Yes, you are," Gen pushed and he noted the impatience in her voice. "You've been avoiding him ever since the accident. Ken isn't blaming you for what happened, nobody is. So why are you going out of your way to keep from having to see him?"

John lifted a shaky hand and raked it through his too long hair. "You don't understand."

"You're right," Gen replied. "I don't understand and since you refuse to talk to me, I guess maybe I'll never understand."

Just then Dwyer and Connolly emerged at the end of the hall with their patient. "I have to go," Gen murmured as she turned her attention to the paramedic's and their charge. John watched her disappear into treatment room.

It had been a week since he'd been cleared of any wrong doing and a week since they'd learned the truth about the Alcotts, yet he still couldn't seem to shake the guilt and the sadness. Not to mention that his confidence had been shaken to its very core. Now, it appeared Gen's patience was starting to wear thin. Hank's words drifted through his head and he considered his options. What he was doing to Gen wasn't fair and as badly as he wanted to run back home and hide in the den, he knew he couldn't. For Gen's sake he needed to do this. He turned his attention to the elevator and dug deep for the courage necessary to take the next step. Without giving himself time to change his mind, he stepped onto the elevator and pressed the button for the 3rd floor burn ward.

After checking in with the duty nurse he made his way down the hall and stopped outside Philip's door. Could he do this? Taking a deep breath, he slowly pushed open the door and stopped as the sight of Ken sitting up in bed, watching television, his burned leg elevated and wrapped in gauze. Much to Johnny's surprise he only had a few small bandages on his arms and hands.

Ken's gaze drifted from the television to John and an immediate smile lit up his features. "Cap! I was beginning to think they'd lied to me and you were hurt worse than they were saying."

Forcing one foot in front of the other, John slowly crossed the room and ease into the empty chair. In that moment he wanted nothing more than to leave, but that wasn't an option and damn it he wasn't a coward. "You look...good," John managed to say. "I expected you to be in a lot worse shape than this."

Ken gave a small chuckle. "You should have been by a couple of weeks ago. You might have thought differently then."

"You...um," Johnny swallowed and started again. "You in much pain?"

"Nah." Ken shook his head. "That's one positive side effect to being paralyzed. I don't really have much feeling below my waist, so I can't feel the worst of my burns."

Guilt cut through John, even as he found himself wondering how Philips could be so blasé about his situation. "Yeah, I guess that's one way to look at it."

Immediately, Ken's smile faded. "I'm sorry, Cap."

Johnny jerked as he lifted his head and met Ken's gaze. "Why are you sorry? I'm the one who should be apologizing."

Ken's brow knit. "What do you need to apologize for?"

"I let you down," John sighed. "As your Captain, it was my job to protect you and I failed."

"Cap." Philips reached over and clicked the button for the television, turning it off. "You didn't fail. The way I see it you did everything you possibly could to protect us. Ridley and I are the ones who failed." His eyes grew glassy and for a moment Johnny worried that his tough, young paramedic might actually start to cry. "You gave us an order not to waste any time and we treated the situation as if it were just any other call. We chose to defy your orders and well...we paid the price."

"Why?" Johnny asked even as the lump in his throat grew. "Why didn't you listen to me?"

"We wanted to impress you," Ken replied, then reached for his glass of water and took a drink.

 _What?_ "Impress me? Why in the world would you need to impress me?"

"Do you know who you are?" Philips asked, his eyes going wide with disbelief. "You're one third of the best paramedic team ever to work in the LA County Fire Department."

"I don't know about that," John argued. "Roy, Gen and I were good at our jobs, but I don't know we were ever what you're describing."

"You don't know," Philips argued. "The rescues you and Roy covered during your time as paramedics are legendary and Gen, well...she's a legend for an entirely different reason. When Ridley and I were assigned to 51's to work under your command, we were honored and scared shitless."

Philips' statement caused shock to ricochet through John. "You're kidding me?"

Philips shook his head. "We wanted so badly to be the next legends of 51. We wanted to impress you and make you look good and just be the absolute best we could be..." He sighed and shook his head. "We made a bad decision that night and we paid for it. I'm just sorry you were injured too."

"Ken," Johnny swallowed, then began again. "Did you tell IA what you just told me?"

Ken nodded. "I couldn't let you take the blame for something Tom and I did. I know it means I'll be fired, but really...what does it matter now?" He motioned to his legs. "It's not as if I'm going to back to work."

John reached out and covered Ken's hand with his own. "Don't lose the faith. There's always the chance you might walk again some day."

Ken covered Johnny's hand with his other hand. "I won't and Cap...thanks for everything I'm so honored that I got the opportunity to work under your command."

By the time Johnny left Philips' room he'd been reduced to an emotional wreck. He by passed emergency and headed out an alternate entrance. His follow up with Brackett could wait for another day. Right now he just needed to be alone.

* * *

Gen eased onto the bar stool behind the nurse's desk and sighed. Her back hurt like hell and her legs ached. As much as she didn't want to, maybe it was time to talk to Brackett about reducing her hours. She only had seven more weeks until her due date and three until she'd go on maternity leave, but there wasn't any way she could keep up the nearly 40 hour a week pace she was currently working. Especially with everything she still had going on at home.

Kel emerged from treatment room two and walked toward her. "I thought you said Johnny was here."

"He was." Gen frowned as she scanned the area. "Since he was going to have to wait on you, I suggested he go see Philips." She paused, and looked down the hall toward the waiting area, which was uncharacteristically empty. She turned her attention back to Kel. "Do you think he actually listened to me for once?"

Kel arched a brow. "Let's find out." He grabbed the phone and called up to the burn ward while Gen listened with interest. "So he was there?" Kel asked.

Surprised, Gen set her pen down and leaned against the counter. Johnny actually went to see Philips?

"Right. Okay. Thanks." He hung up and looked at Gen. "He was there and he did spend quite a bit of time with Philips, but Nurse Matthews said he left a little while ago." He glanced around. "I'm betting he left."

"Yeah, me too." Gen shook her head. "I don't know what to do about him."

"I know this is hard on you," Kel replied. "But he _is_ making progress."

Gen nodded. "Yeah, I know, but it's painfully slow and I'm running out of time." At that moment she felt defeated and more tired than she thought possible. "I'm gonna take my brake and get off my feet for a few minutes." She pushed up off the stool and was half way around the corner of the desk when the pain had her doubling over. She gasped and grabbed at her belly.

"Genevieve?" Brackett's arms came around her. "What is it?"

"I don't know?" she whispered even as she blinked back the tears. "I just took a pain."

"Let's get you into a treatment room." He guided her toward treatment room four. Mike Morton raced up behind them. "What's wrong?"

"We don't know yet," Kel replied. "Once she'd down get her BP and I want an ultrasound, stat."

Gen relaxed onto the table the tried not to panic. Whatever was going wasn't anything big. It couldn't be anything big. After the last time...Oh God! She couldn't lose this baby too. She blinked back the tears. "I want Johnny."


	21. Chapter 21

_I couldn't bring myself to leave you all hanging like that, so I made sure both chapters were written before I posted them. That way I could post them together._

* * *

Johnny parked next to the house, climbed from his truck and headed inside. During the entire drive back to the house he'd toyed with the idea. Now that he was home, in his gut he knew it was the right thing to do. Gen wouldn't be happy, but if he came back a better man for it, then it would be worth the slight inconvenience, right? Besides, it wasn't as if she couldn't handle things without him. She'd pretty much been doing that anyway while he'd been hiding away in the den.

He headed inside and quickly packed an overnight bag. The most he'd be gone would be a day, maybe two. Back downstairs he paused by the phone and considered calling back to the hospital to tell her. Of course she was probably already pissed about him leaving. Calling her would only exacerbate her frustration.

 _You think her coming home to a note would be any better?_

He frowned at that thought. To this point she'd been more than supportive, but ever since the hearing last week, he'd noticed a change in her. In a way he couldn't blame her. He was sure that in Gen's eyes the worst was over. After all, he'd been cleared and because of that he should instantly feel better. Unfortunately, it hadn't exactly worked that way for him. Even though he knew it shouldn't be, each day was still a struggle to keep the demons at bay. Because of that, it was a battle he felt as if he would continue to lose if he didn't do something drastic to break the cycle.

He need to cleanse himself and ask for forgiveness from the spirits. He needed to mourn the loss of his friend and find the courage to face tomorrow as a fresh new day without the guilt and negativity hanging over his head like a perpetual black cloud. As far as he was concerned, this wasn't a choice. Without clearing the negative energy from his very soul he'd never get better.

No matter what he did right now, she'd probably be angry over him leaving. He might as well deal with her when he got back. Especially if he came back as a better man. Maybe she wouldn't be quite so upset if she were able to see the results of his actions.

Besides, one of the many things he loved about her was Gen's passion for his people. She not only understood his heritage, but respected it. He searched around and found a note pad and a pen then scribbled out a quick message, which he left on the kitchen table. Hopefully when he came back he'd back to his old self and they could put this entire ugly part of their lives behind them.

He locked the door and hopped in the truck, pulled out of the drive and headed north.

* * *

"The baby looks good," Kel said as he studied the ultrasound screen.

"Really?" Gen asked even as some of the tension drained from her shoulders and she swiped at her wet cheeks with the back of her free hand.

"Really," Kel replied. "The baby's heartbeat is strong and steady. The size is good for how far along you are and the amniotic sac appears to still be intact with plenty of fluid. The pain is gone, right?"

"Right," Gen replied. "It's weird, but I feel fine now." She shook her head. "But I don't understand. What happened?"

Kel frowned. "I'm not sure. The ultrasound doesn't reveal anything abnormal and your BP is good. All your blood work came back fine and you're not bleeding or having contractions. At this point I'm thinking maybe it was stress possibly combined with some slight dehydration." He nodded toward the IV attached to her other arm. "Once we finish the IV and as long as the pain doesn't return, I'm willing to let you go home with restrictions."

Gen eyed him warily. "What kind of restrictions?"

"Well first of all, you're done working until after that baby is born."

Gen frowned. "I figured that much."

"Now don't make that face," Kel scolded. "It's for your the baby's good."

"I know," Gen sighed. "It's just...well..." Right now life at home wasn't all that great. At least if she was working she was doing something productive and helping people in need. Especially since the one person she desperately wanted to help seemed to rebuff her at every turn.

"I know, but it's what's best." Kel replied. "Now, I'm not going to put you on bed rest just yet, but I don't want you lifting, pulling or tugging on anything heavy." He pointed a finger at her. "That means no picking up Olivia. No doing laundry or running the vacuum or any type of heavy cleaning. I also don't want you on your feet for long periods of time, so no cooking."

Gen felt the tension return. What he was asking from her was impossible. "How am I supposed to take care of Olivia if I can't do any of those things?"

"Johnny will just have to step up and help," Kel replied, his tone a matter of fact.

Gen's frown grew. "You really think he's capable of doing that? We couldn't-" she sucked in a quick breath against the sudden wave of emotion. "We couldn't even find him to tell him I was having problems."

Kel gave her a sympathetic look. "I know, but I'm sure when we do find him he'll step up and do the right thing."

"Speaking of which..." She turned her gaze toward Carol. "Any luck reaching Johnny?"

Carol shook her head. "I"m sorry, Gen."

Gen closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "How can I rely on him to step up and take care of Olivia when he can't even seem to take care of himself?"

Kel patted her leg. "Don't lose faith, Genevieve."

"Too late," she replied as she opened her eyes and met his stare.

Kel frowned. "You just rest here. Hank Stanley and his wife are on their way over to pick you up."

"Why is Cap coming?" Gen asked.

"When Carol was calling around to try and locate Johnny she called Hank and Emily. They hadn't seen Johnny, but they volunteered to come instead. So they'll be here shortly."

Gen smirked. "It's pretty bad when I can rely on my former Captain, but can't rely on my own husband."

"Gen-"

She held up a hand. "Never mind." In that moment she was too emotionally drained to care anymore.

"I know it seems bleak right now, but this will all work out in the end," Kel said, then opened the door and walked out.

Unfortunately, she wasn't so sure she agreed.

An hour later Hank carried Olivia up the back steps as Gen unlocked the back door stepped inside.

Emily followed close behind and flipped on the kitchen light. "We'll stay with you until Johnny get's home."

"You don't have to," Gen replied.

"Papaw stay," Olivia demanded and wrapped her arms around Hank's neck.

Gen couldn't help but smile at the sight. It was moments like this she was so very thankful for the friendships she'd built. From the moment Olivia was born Hank and Emily had assumed the roll of surrogate grand parents and Gen couldn't begin to convey how much their actions meant to her. "I'm sure Papaw and mamaw have things to do, baby."

Olivia scowled. "Papaw stay."

"Olivia," Gen sighed.

"Really," Hank replied. "It's okay. We don't mind staying until John gets home."

Conceding, Gen nodded. "Okay, but I'm sure he won't be long."

"I'm not so sure about that," Emily said as she picked up a note from the table and began to read.

"Why?" Gen asked, then took the paper Emily handed to her.

 _Sweetheart,_

 _I know your patience with me is wearing thin and I have no defense other than I've been in a bad space mentally. After our conversation earlier today I did finally muster up the courage to go see Philips. Unfortunately, my visit with him left me feeling even more confused and emotional than I was before I saw him. Since I knew you were working, and I really wasn't in much of a mood to talk, I decided to just head on out after I left Ken's room. I can stop by another day to see Doctor Brackett._

 _I hope you won't be too upset with me when I tell you that I've gone North for a couple of days. At this point, I think I know what I need to do to get my head on straight and I'm hoping a cleansing session at the sweat lodge on the reservation might just do the trick. I don't want to be depressed and confused anymore, Genevieve. I want to be the man you fell in love with and right now I know I'm not him._

 _I love you and while it probably doesn't look like it from your point of view, I am trying. I promise I'll be back in a couple of days and when I do return I'll be a different person._

 _Yours always,_

 _John_

She sat the paper down and then eased into one of the empty kitchen chairs. "You have got to be kidding me?"

Hank placed a hand on her shoulder, drawing her attention away from the letter. "I think this changes things a little. You and Olivia will come home with us, Gen."

"I don't want to be a burden," Gen replied, even as the reality of her position slowly settled over her. Right now she had few options, especially if she wanted to protect this baby.

Emily crouched next to her chair and took Gen's hands in hers. "You're never been a burden, Gen. Besides, we're empty nesters now, so it will be nice to have the company."

"You're sure?" Gen asked as she glanced back and forth between the two of them.

Hank smiled down at her. "We're positive and you and Olivia are welcome to stay for as long as you like."


	22. Chapter 22

All the way to the reservation Johnny toyed with the idea of stopping by his Aunt's house. She'd be upset with him if she found out he was on the reservation and didn't tell her, but he really wasn't up for talking with her either. Knowing how she was and her propensity for wanting to try and fix everything she'd want him to pour his heart out to her and he just wasn't up for that task.

No, what he needed to do was find Elder Greywolf and get permission to use one of the sweat lodges. The sooner he faced his demons the better off he'd be. Besides, he still felt bad about leaving Gen the way he did. All the more reason for him to get down to business and not dawdle. He'd make it up to his aunt somehow, but this trip needed to remain all business.

He turned off the paved road onto the gravel and headed deeper into his people's land. As he pulled into the driveway at Elder Greywolf's house a flashback seared through is mind. The first time he'd brought Gen to the reservation Elder Greywolf's house had caught fire. Knowing it would take the fire department some time to get there, he and Gen had rescued the tribal elder from his burning home.

In fact, it was Gen carrying Elder Greywolf from the home that ultimately earned her an honorary place within his people's hearts. Now here he was, returning back to what was safe and comfortable with the hopes of healing his broken soul. If this didn't work... Johnny shook his head, turned off the engine and stepped from the vehicle. He couldn't afford to let doubt creep in for even a second. There had been other times in his life when he'd lost his way and each time coming home had set him straight. This time would work too.

He'd made it half way up the walk when the door opened and Elder Greywolf appeared. "The spirits told me to expect you." He held out his hand for Johnny to shake.

"How have you been, Elder?" John asked as he took the older man's hand.

"Much better than you've been," he replied. "I had a feeling you might be looking for guidance soon."

Johnny sighed and raked a hand through his hair. "Then you know I really need a cleansing."

Elder Greywolf stepped to the side and motioned to the open door. "Come inside, John. We'll talk and then we'll go to to the sweat lodge."

John followed Elder Greywolf inside and eased down into the nearest chair. A moment later Elder handed him a glass of liquid. Johnny didn't question what was in it. He simply drank.

With some effort Elder Greywolf lowered himself into what appeared to be his favorite chair. "So what burdens your heart, John?"

Johnny felt as if hours passed as he explained everything that had happened. From rolling up on the scene at the Alcott's house to leaving Ken's hospital room, once he started talking everything came pouring out. By the time he finished his glass wasn't the only thing that was empty. Some how he already felt lighter. "I'm failing my wife and my daughter and I don't want to be this person anymore."

Elder set his glass on the side table and leaned back in his chair. "Have you told any of this to Gen?"

John shook his head. "She's carrying our next child. After dealing with the miscarriage last year, I know she already has enough stress on her shoulders. I don't want to add to that with my screwed up thoughts."

"And you really think that not sharing all this with her saved her from suffering more stress?"

John shrugged.

"I can assure you that it hasn't. Knowing her they way I've come to over the last few years, I know she practically worships the ground you walk on."

John felt the heat build in his face. "Genevieve is a strong woman. She's smart and self-sufficient."

"She also loves you with every fiber of her being and you've not only disrespected that love, but also taken it for granted. If she's as strong as you say, she could have handled all of this without a problem. Instead, you're giving her reasons to question everything she trusted, everything she knows to be true. Is that what you want?"

Shock filtered through John as he listed to Elder Greywolf talk. "Of course not. All I wanted to do was protect Gen. I would never intentionally disrespect her."

Elder Greywolf sighed. "You've been through a lot in a short amount of time, John. It's no wonder your head and heart are misaligned."

"Yes, but how do I fix it?" Johnny asked. "Gen's due to give birth in a little less than six weeks. She needs me and right now I'm no good to her."

Elder steepled his fingers. "You must let go, John. The ugliness of that night will forever be etched into your mind, but that doesn't mean the pain must remain. You need to accept and mourn not only the loss of your friend, but the loss of a level of innocence you coveted until the night of the accident. An innocence you'll forever know exists but will never be able to get back. You need to settle your spirit and find peace. Only then should you return home and make amends with your family."

He pushed up from his chair. "Come, John. It's time for some soul searching."

Twenty minutes later, with Elder Greywolf's words still fresh in his mind, Johnny parked his vehicle outside the upper pasture sweat lodge and headed toward where Shaman Running Deer waited.

"Shaman will be your monitor and council for the evening," Elder Greywolf spoke.

John nodded to Shaman Running Deer. "Thank you for doing this, Shaman."

"It is my pleasure, John. Now why don't you prepare to enter to lodge while I begin the purification process?"

John turned and began to strip. He pulled a pair of shorts from his bag and slid them over his boxers, then turned back in time to watch the shaman finish moving around the area, smudging the air with smoldering sage. When he finished, he tossed the sage into the flames and called to the spirits. Then he reached into his bag and pulled out a tied batch of tobacco leaves and handed them to Johnny. "Make your offering. Then proceed into the lodge."

John did as instructed and headed through the opening into the lodge. He performed the ceremonial circle then sat cross legged with his back against the wall and watched as Shaman brought the heated stones in one at a time and placed them in the center circle. "The first session will last for thirty minutes." he said as he began pouring water over the stones. "If it gets to be too much, feel free to exit at any time and we'll talk."

John nodded and sucked in a long regulated breath. "I understand."

Shaman poured more water over the stones, then handed the ladle to Johnny. "I hope you find the peace you're looking for."

Johnny met his gaze. "Me too, Shaman. Me too."

It didn't take long for the heat to build and John began to sweat. He closed his eyes, leaned his head back and began to whisper a prayer asking for the spirits to help. Within minutes his thoughts began to wander and he returned back to the night of the accident. Step by step the events unfolded in his mind and with them came the pain, the heartache and the sorrow. Before long he couldn't tell what was tears and what was sweat as giant wracking sobs shook him to his core. Bone aching grief seemed to swallow him until he physically hurt. "Why?" he whispered into the darkness. Why had the spirits deemed it necessary to take such a young and vibrant life?

Then suddenly, for the first time since the accident, anger flared from somewhere deep inside. He curled his fists and smacked them against the bottom of lodge wall. It wasn't fair, damn it! Not just the senseless death and injuries of that night, but also the position he found himself in because of it.

He'd been blamed and had, in turn, blamed himself for the wrong doing of others. He'd spiraled into a abyss of blackness and anguish that wreaked havoc on his confidence and threatened the very foundation of his family.

He'd spent weeks wrestling with the guilt of surviving when Ridley had died, but Ridley hadn't followed his orders. If he had, he might still be alive. John sighed and shifted positions. He hadn't failed as a Captain, because Ridley's death wasn't his fault. Neither was the Alcott's. In fact, he and his crew had been nothing more than pawns caught in a situation of opportunity for a suicidal man.

Then there was Philips... He would be a living reminder of all the mistakes of that night, but again, Philips' injuries were of his own making. For a brief moment he found himself hating them all for putting him and his family through weeks of hell. Then, as quickly as the anger bloomed it was gone, leaving a profound sadness in its wake.

Shaman Running Deer opened the flap. "John, come out and get some water and cool off. It's time for your first break."

* * *

Gen lay propped up in bed and stroked a gentle hand over Olivia's head as she slept against Gen's side. Her other hand rested protectively over her ever growing baby bump. With the exception of the accident that had ultimately ended her career as a firefighter, today's scare with the baby had been the single most frightening moment she'd experienced. Even when she'd lost the other baby she'd been so sick that she'd barely been conscious of what was happening until is was already over.

She closed her eyes and swallowed hard. As much as she hated the position she now found herself in, she needed to face facts. Her marriage was in trouble. For the second time that day tears welled behind her eyelids and she opened her eyes and stared down at Olivia. The last thing she wanted was for Olivia and her unborn child to grow up in a broken home. Still, what kind of harm would she bring to her children if they continued as they were? It wasn't healthy for them to see Johnny as he was right now. Already, Olivia had started acting out and misbehaving more than normal. The situation simply couldn't continue as it was.

She'd told him she'd never leave him and deep in her heart she still meant every word. Yet, how could she continue to stay when it was obvious that Johnny was doing his best to push her away? Maybe he didn't want them anymore. Maybe the accident had really profoundly changed him in a way that simply made him unable to be the husband and father she needed him to be. Either way, she couldn't move past the fact that he hadn't been there when she really needed him.

Could she risk him doing that to Olivia or the new baby?

"Gen?"

She looked up to find Emily Stanley standing in the doorway.

Apparently realizing Gen was crying, Emily rushed forward. "Oh honey, don't cry." She snagged several tissues from the box right before she eased onto the edge of the bed. "It will be okay."

Gen accepted the tissues and dabbed at her eyes. "I can't help it. For several terrifying moments today I thought I might lose my baby. Plus, I've done my best to stand by my husband through all of this upheaval he's faced, yet when I really needed him, he was no where to be found."

"Johnny's been through a lot," Emily replied.

"Yeah, well so have I," Gen argued. "I've done nothing but try to help him get better and all he's done is push me away." She glanced down at Olivia. "I have to think of what's best for her and this one." Gen patted her baby bump. "He won't let me help him and he won't help himself." She shook her head. "It's not a conducive environment for my children. I can't trust Johnny to be there for us anymore."

Emily frowned, her gaze wary. "What are you saying, Genevieve?"

"I'm saying that I'm not sure if I can do this anymore, Em." The tears began to flow now and she didn't bother trying to stop them. "I love Johnny more than I've ever loved anyone, but I can't rely on him." She sucked in a ragged breath. "Hell, I'm not even sure if he still loves me, but I guess in the end it doesn't really matter, because I have to think about what's best for my babies."


	23. Chapter 23

_Just a quick note to say thank you to the 'guest' who let me know about he myriad of mistakes in my last chapter. You were right, I did rush to post it and I got sloppy. I've made corrections and hopefully have caught most if not all the mistakes in this chapter too._

* * *

In the early hours of dawn, just as the birds began to chirp their songs to the heavens, John awoke from his slumber. He unzipped his sleeping bag and sat up, then took a moment to absorb his surroundings.

He turned to look back at the entrance to the sweat lodge. _Six sessions!_ He'd gone through six, thirty minutes sessions that took him deep into the night, but when he finally emerged from the last one, drenched, weak, and exhausted he knew he'd made the right decision.

He remained in place and watched as the pitch of night slowly gave way to the pinks and golds of the early morning sun. Deep within him he felt a renewed peace rise right along with the morning light.

Once again the lodge had done it's job.

He'd gone through hell inside the darkness of that heated shelter as he passed through a myriad of emotions. From anger and grief to sadness and hate, he was spared nothing. In the end, guilt and self-doubt had clung to him like a bur and only after he'd taken his body to the brink of it's tolerance had they finally released him.

At some point during his last session he felt as if he'd transcended the ethereal plain. It was the moment when he knew he'd be healed. If the spirits allowed you to see them, to cross into their world of existence, even if it's just for a moment, one knew he'd been forgiven.

Within the steam and darkness of the lodge a vision had appeared. At first it had been unidentifiable, then slowly it took shape and John swore his heart nearly stopped. No words were spoken, but the look Ridley had given him was what finally shattered the savage grip of guilt. His friend was at peace and happy. John had absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

He also knew, even as he sat in silence, staring at his friend, that there would be times when sadness and grief would once again arise. Next time he'd be ready for it, accept it for what it was, experience the moment then let it go.

No matter who lived or who died the earth kept spinning and the world would go on, with or without him. John reached for his bag and pulled out the herbs Shaman Running Deer gave him after the last session. _These will help to keep the bad spirits at bay once you've returned home._

Home was just where he needed to head. He had some explaining and some apologizing to do. First though, he needed to get cleaned up a little.

He'd just decided to head for the creek to wash off when he spotted a vehicle coming up the dirt road. He remained in place, waiting and wasn't all that surprised to see Elder Greywolf climb from behind the wheel.

"What a wonderful morning." Elder held his arms wide as he walked toward John.

Knowing the older man was gauging his mood, Johnny smiled. "It is at that."

A slow grin spread across Elder's face. "Ah, then I can assume by your reply all went well last night?"

John glanced back at the lodge. "In all the times I participated in the cleansing I don't think I've ever suffered so much. I sank about as low as I could go without wanting to just completely give up." He turned back to face Elder Greywolf. "Then I saw Ridley."

Elder eased down onto a log turned seat. "Is that the man you lost?"

Johnny nodded. "He wasn't just the man under my command that I lost. He was a very good friend." A friend he missed dearly.

"In your vision what did your friend tell you?"

"He didn't say anything, but the look he gave me-" John cocked his head to the side. "I just knew that he was telling me everything was okay and not to mourn for him anymore."

"So your demons?" Elder questioned.

"I think are gone," Johnny replied.

"Good. Just remember. They may not stay gone easily, so you'll need to stay vigilant and be prepared to fight back if they return."

John nodded. "I'm aware and ready. Plus, Shaman Running Deer gave me some herbs to help."

"Well then I think you're set." Elder Greywolf slapped a hand against his knee. "Now, as much as we'd love for you to stay for awhile, you have a family that needs your attention."

John took a deep breath. "You're right. I'm gonna go down to the stream and clean up before I head home."

Elder pushed up from where he sat. "That's fine, but come eat first. My daughter made breakfast for you."

At the sound of food Johnny's stomach growled. Suddenly he was famished. "Tell her I really appreciate the thoughtfulness."

"Just make sure you bring that new baby up for her to see," Elder replied.

John grinned. "I can do that."

* * *

Several hours later he arrived home to an empty house. He frowned as he walked through the rooms. He could have sworn that Gen had off today.

Maybe he'd been wrong. Which was all the better because that way he could get the house cleaned up and maybe make her a nice romantic dinner. He dropped his bag in the laundry room then headed into the kitchen and got to work cleaning.

By six thirty that evening John was starting to get concerned. He glanced at his watch then walked to the living room and looked out the curtains toward the drive. _Where was she?_

Another five minutes passed before he finally headed for the phone and dialed Rampart.

"Emergency, Doctor Morton speaking," Mike's voice carried through the receiver.

"Mike, it's John Gage. Hey is Gen still at work? I figured she would have been home by now."

"Gen isn't here," Mike replied. "And where in the hell have you been?"

John pulled the receiver away from his ear and looked at it in confusion. Why was Mike mad? "I needed to take care of something. What do you mean Gen isn't there? She's not home so I assumed she was working today."

"You assumed wrong and if you hadn't ran off to God knows where to do God knows what you'd know that your wife had a scare yesterday."

Shock hit him like strike from a baseball bat. "What do you mean scare?"

"I mean for about an hour yesterday she thought she might lose the baby."

Shock was immediately joined by fear which shot through him like a lightning bolt during a thunderstorm. "Is she okay? Is the baby okay? Who has Olivia?" John rattled of the questions.

"She's fine and we released her into the care of the Stanley's. Kel told her she wasn't to be left alone, so if she's not home you might trying reaching out to Hank."

"Thanks Mike. Thanks for letting me know," John replied. He hung up, then picked up the receiver again and started to call the Stanley's house before he thought better of it. _Shit! Shit! Shit!_ He scrubbed his hands over his face. He'd screwed up big time by leaving when and how he did. It would be best if he drove over there and faced her in person.

Quickly, he put dinner in the fridge, then grabbed his keys and locked up the door before heading to his car. He spent the entire trip to the Stanley's house chastising himself for what he'd done. Yes, he'd needed to go and yes he felt better for doing so, but he should have handled the situation differently. He shouldn't have left without talking to her first.

He pulled into the drive, slammed the vehicle into park, killed the engine, then exited and raced toward the front door. No doubt Cap was going to give him the third degree, but that was okay. At this point he was pretty sure he deserved it. He knocked hard, waited impatiently, then knocked again. The door swung open and he came face to face with Hank Stanley.

Hank scowled. "Where in the hell have you been?"

Yep, John was pretty sure he was about to get his ass handed to him. "I went to the reservation."

"What on earth for?"

"I'm not sure you'd understand and at this point it doesn't matter anyway. All that matter is that Gen and Olivia are okay. Are they here?"

"Yes, they're here, but before I let you see them, you're going to listen to what I have to say."

John nodded. "Fine. Whatever you want to throw at me I deserve, so go ahead and take your best shot."

Hank stepped out onto the porch and closed the door behind him. "I want to know what in the hell is going on inside that head of yours? You've spent weeks brooding and playing the part of the victim. Meanwhile, Genevieve, bless her heart, took up your slack with Olivia, and the house, and the bills. Despite being pregnant with your child, she stepped into the roll of single parent and did so without complaining."

"I know, Cap and I'm so-"

"Don't talk," Hank snapped. "You just keep your mouth shut and listen to me. That woman loves you so much. Lord knows why, considering how you've treated her, but she does. She's worried over you and done her best to try and help you get better and what does she get for her loyalty?" He pointed a finger at John. "I'll tell you what she gets. She gets a husband who, when life gets tough, decides to bail and leave her to handle everything." He raked a hand through his hair. "What in the hell were you thinking?"

For a moment, Johnny remained silent, until he was sure it was his turn to speak. "I made a bad decision when I decided to leave without talking to her first, but I swear to you I had the best of intentions."

Hank frowned. "Explain to me how leaving your wife in the middle of a crisis was done with the best of intentions."

John shook his head. "I didn't know she was having a crisis. If I had I would have never left."

"But you did leave. Why?"

John sighed. He always hated talking about his heritage and beliefs with others. Most of the time they just didn't understand. "I went to the reservation to participate in a cleansing ceremony at a sweat lodge."

"Why?"

"Because I was trying to get my head on straight."

"Is it?" Hank arched a brow.

Johnny nodded.

"You hurt her," Hank said.

A fresh shot of shame coursed through him, only this time John knew it was warranted. "I know," he replied as he lowered his head. "and I feel horrible about it."

"You're going to have to do a lot of groveling," Hank warned.

"I'll do whatever it takes," John replied. "Can I see her now?"

Hank nodded then stepped out of the way. He reached for the door only to feel Hank's hand on his arm. John paused, looked up at him and noted the warning look in Hank's eyes. "I want to make one thing crystal clear. If you ever hurt her like this again, you're going to have me to answer to. Got it?"

John didn't move. "Got it and I won't."

A few minutes later he found himself standing outside the bedroom door. Nerves danced through him. How in the hell was he going to get her to forgive him? He took a deep breath then opened the door.

She looked up from her book and met his stare. In an instant he saw the pain and the heartbreak in her gaze. He'd done that and damn if he didn't feel like the lowest form of life. "I'm sorry," he said a he slowly stepped into the room.

She didn't reply.

"Please believe me," he continued. "I wouldn't have left if I'd known if you were having a crisis."

Silence filled the air and gingerly he lowered himself to sit on the edge of the bed. "You have no idea how horrible I feel about this and I promise I'll make it up to you." He reached for her hand and had a slight amount of relief wash through him when she didn't pull away. "Sweetheart?"

"I needed you," she whispered, her words barely audible "and you weren't there."

"I know," Johnny replied. "I don't know what I can say. What can I do to make it up to you?"

Her expression didn't change as she stared at him. "You can't."


	24. Chapter 24

Gen waited for Johnny to open the back door and come back to the car. He paused at the passenger door and held out his hand. "Let me help you."

She shook her head. "I can do it. You get Olivia."

He dropped his hand to the side then turned his attention to removing Olivia from her car seat. With some effort Gen heaved herself up from the passenger seat, then after steadying herself, slowly walked toward the house.

She'd been dead set that she wasn't going to come home with him and no amount of cajoling on his part was going to change her mind. Then Olivia came barreling into the room, wrapped her arms around his leg and clung to him. Immediately she began whining about how much she missed him and how she wanted him to play with her. He'd turned his gaze from Olivia to Gen and despite her resolve, she caved at the pleading look he gave her.

There wasn't any way she could deny the fact that she still loved him beyond reason and deep down she desperately wanted her family whole again. Maybe it was a stupid move on her part, especially after what had happened, but after she'd given her stance more thought she realized that there had been a point where she'd bailed on him too.

He obviously didn't remember it, otherwise she imagined he would have used it against her already. However, guilt kept her from ignoring that fact. She hadn't been there when he needed her, yet she knew deep in her heart that she loved him like no other. So it was possible that he still loved her too. At least she hoped it was possible. The least she could do was give him the chance he asked for.

Slowly, she made her way up the steps and into the house. By the time she reached the alcove to the dining room she had to stop to rest. Not before noticing he'd cleaned.

With a concerned face, Johnny put Olivia down and walked toward her. "Are you okay?"

She nodded. "Just tired. I didn't sleep well last night. You cleaned?"

His frown deepened and he reached out to stroke a knuckle along her cheek. Even just that tiny amount of contact felt so good. On instinct she turned into his touch, just as she had for the last four years. "I did, but that's not important right now. Your exhaustion is my fault and I'm so sorry."

She lifted her gaze to meet his and felt the love and the pain pour from him. When had they become two wounded souls in need of repair? Would he talk to her now? Would he share his thoughts and fears with her? If he didn't they had nothing and that thought frightened the hell out of her. "I'm scared," she finally whispered.

"I know," he replied, then slowly lowered his head toward her. She tilted her chin up and let her eyes drift shut as he brushed his lips over hers. "I won't leave again," he whispered between feather soft kisses. "I promise, we'll get through this and we'll be stronger for it."

When he pulled back she opened her eyes and stared at him. "Talk to me?" It was such a simple request, but one what held the power to shatter her world if denied.

He gave her s slight grin and a nod. "I will, but not right now. Later, after Olivia goes to bed we'll talk. That way we won't be interrupted." He pressed a soft kiss to the tip of her nose. "I promise."

It was more than she'd gotten from him before and for now it would have to be good enough. "Fair enough."

"You want to sit in the living room?" A hopeful look crossed his face.

For a brief second she considered doing what he'd done and hiding in the den, but that wasn't the answer. If she wanted them to heal and be a family again, she couldn't hide. Forcing a smile she nodded. "The couch sounds good."

She settled onto the couch, put her feet up and leaned back to close her eyes. Maybe she'd just rest for a few minutes. When she opened her eyes again, the last rays of the evening light had given way to the pitch of night. She turned her head and found Johnny sitting on the floor with Olivia playing with puzzles. For several minutes she simply enjoyed the scene before her. It was reminiscent of how things used to be. Before the accident that had changed all their lives. Finally, when she couldn't ignore her bladder any longer she pushed herself into a sitting position.

Johnny looked up and grinned. "You're awake."

"Yeah." She raked a hand through her hair. "I guess I was more tired than I thought."

"It's okay," Johnny replied. "You're carrying around an extra person, so I'm sure you need the rest. Besides, it gave me the opportunity to spend some quality time with Olivia." He cocked his head to the side. "Are you hungry?"

Gen's stomach growled. "Yeah, I think I am."

"I'll get us something to eat." John pushed up to this feet and held out a hand to Olivia. "Come on, Boo. You can help daddy make something to eat."

"Okay, daddy." Olivia got to her feet and took Johnny's hand and Gen watched as they headed into the kitchen. Once they were out of sight she managed to haul herself off the couch and waddle toward the bathroom. While the entire situation still felt forced and strained, at least Johnny was making an effort and as long as he did, she would too.

* * *

John finished washing the last dish and set it in the strainer. Then, after drying his hands, he headed into the living room. "Come on, Olivia. It's already past your bedtime. Let's get you a bath and then I'll read you a story."

"No bed," Olivia replied without looking up from where she played with her doll.

"You have to go do bed," John replied. "Mommy is tired. I'm tired and you're tired."

"I not tired," she argued. "No bed."

He glanced over at Gen, who sat in the chair watching Olivia play. "I didn't realize she'd become so stubborn."

Gen nodded. "It started when you came home from the hospital and it's been getting worse."

Johnny frowned, then moved and crouched down in front of Olivia. "Olivia Aiyana, look at me."

Olivia stopped playing and looked up at John, her eyes wide and innocent and for a split second, John's heart melted. Did she realize just how much she had him wrapped around her little finger?

"I know you've been unhappy because Daddy's been sick, but being unhappy doesn't mean you can disobey mommy and daddy. I'm better now and I want you to be a good girl. Can you do that for me?"

"Okay, daddy," Olivia replied.

"Okay," John said. "Now show me how good you can be. Put your dolly away and come with me to get your bath."

She gave a toddler sized sigh, but didn't protest further. Instead, she pushed to her feet, picked up her doll and walked it to the dolly's bed and placed it inside. "Dolly go night, night."

Johnny glanced over at Gen to see a slow grin slide across her face. "How did you do that?"

"I guess I just have the touch." Feeling more affectionate than he had in weeks, he lifted her hand and kissed it. "Stay put and rest. I'll take care of Olivia."

* * *

An hour later he walked into the bedroom just as Gen was stripping out of her maternity blouse and pants. He paused as amazement rippled through him. The first time he'd seen her naked and pregnant with Olivia he'd been in awe and while this wasn't the first time with the new baby, it was still no different. It wasn't just the fact that her breasts were larger. Yes, that was most definitely a positive side effect, but there was more than just that. It was the way her skin glowed with such a healthy sheen, the way her hair seemed to be silkier and longer than she usually kept it.

There was something so powerful about her baby bump. Maybe it was some deep instinctual thing left over from caveman days, but seeing her round with his child made him feel proud and territorial all at once. Just the knowledge that she was even capable of carrying around another person inside her was amazing enough. Add to it the fact that she was carrying his child...this tiny miracle they'd created from their love and yeah, the sense of wonderment left him feeling protective and aroused and so very thankful she was his. "You are so damn beautiful," he offered.

Gen rolled her eyes. "With all these stretch marks and extra weight? Yeah, right."

Damn it he hated when she put herself down like that. In the span of a heartbeat, anger flared through him and he crossed the room to stand in front of her. "What have I told you about putting yourself down?"

In an instant her eyes widened and her lips parted on a slight gasp. Her body froze, and he could tell it wasn't from fear, but from shock and something much more sensual. Yeah, that was the reaction he loved to get. "Well?" he asked even as the arousal simmering low in his belly began to grow.

"You told me it wasn't allowed," she replied and he noted the slight increase in her breathing and felt himself react. It had been weeks since they'd made love and damn if he didn't miss her more than he thought possible. On instinct, he reached out, snared a handful of her hair and tightened his grip until she was forced to tip her face up.

Her breathing hitched and this time he didn't miss the desire in her eyes. Slowly, he lowered his head toward hers. "The only reason I'm not spanking your ass for putting yourself down like that is because I don't want to risk hurting the baby." He covered her mouth with his and immediately felt her go boneless beneath his touch. Holy hell, he'd forgotten how wonderful she felt in his arms or what a rush she gave him with her capitulation.

These were the moments, so intimate in nature when only the truth existed between them. Vulnerable and exposed she once again willingly gave herself over to him. It was a trust that ran deeper than time itself and one he cherished with every fiber of his being. This, he knew, was when the depth and honesty of her true feelings were open for him to see. She was still his, body, mind and soul and he want to scream thank you to the spirits.

When he finally pulled back he was breathing hard and struggling to keep a grip on his desire. The need inside him had built to levels not experienced since the very first time they'd made love. "What kind of restrictions did Brackett put on you?"

She gave him a slight wry grin that nearly broke his control. "He didn't. I think as long as we're careful-"

He didn't bother to let her finish her sentence as he slammed his mouth over hers again. God, he needed her in ways he couldn't begin to articulate. Slowly, carefully he backed her to the bed, when her legs hit the edge, she eased down and he followed her, until his forehead rested against hers. "I need you, Genevieve. The only place in the world where I know everything is right and good is when I'm inside you. I need to feel your love, baby. I need to drown myself inside you."

She didn't reply with words, but instead gave him a small nod and completely surrendered.

Later, sated and happy for the first time in weeks, he spooned behind her, his hand resting protectively over her belly. A tiny kick hit his hand and he grinned. "I think somebody is unhappy we disturbed him."

Gen laughed. "It could be a her, you know."

"Oh don't say that. The last thing I need is another woman in this house," he joked. "I'm already outnumbered."

Silence followed his statement and he pulled her a little tighter. "Hey, I was kidding. I mean, yes, I'd like to have a son, but if it's not in the stars then that's okay. I'd still love her with all my heart."

She turned her head to look over her shoulder at him. "Are you sure?"

"Sweetheart, I'm so sorry I ever gave you reason to question my love," he whispered and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. "This child-" he cradled her belly in his palm right where the baby had kicked. "It's a physical manifestation of our love which means I don't really care if it's a boy or a girl. It's ours and I'll love and protect it with every fiber of my being."

He could actually see her begin to relax. "I know you really want a son."

He grinned. "Well, if this one is a girl, that just means we'll try again in a couple of years." He lowered his head and gently swiped a kiss over her lips. "You will give me another baby if I want one, right?" It still befuddled him how he had gone from the anti-children bachelor to a husband and father and was perfectly happy to do so.

"I'll give you whatever you want," she whispered. "Just don't ever leave me again."

 _There it was._ She'd just just given him the opening he needed to keep his earlier promise. "You have no idea how terrible I feel for mentally checking out on you."

"Then why did you?" she asked.

"I had so much going on inside my head, baby. I felt guilty for what happened and I was heartbroken about Ridley. Then the whole lawsuit and IA investigation happened and I felt like I'd let you down. Plus, I had it in my head that I needed to protect you. What happened that night was like walking through a nightmare and in your condition, I didn't want you to have to experience it." He paused, arched a brow as he remembered the bay station tape. "You should have told me you were the one who took the call that night."

Her eyes went wide with shock. "I did tell you."

She'd told him? His brow knit as he scoured his memories and came up blank. "When?"

"Right before you collapsed in the treatment room. You were holding me and I told you that Ridley left he biophone open and I'd heard everything."

His frown deepened. "I don't remember." In fact he didn't remember much of his time at the hospital. He remembered every damn detail of the accident and the helicopter ride, but not of what happened inside emergency. "Actually, I don't remember much after we exited the chopper."

She turned onto her back and looked at him full on. "Do you remember me falling apart when you started cough up blood and Brackett sending me away?"

He stared at her, then slowly shook his head. "You had to witness me coughing up blood?"

"I did," she replied and lifted a hand to cradle his cheek. "I felt so horrible because I hadn't been there when you needed me most." Her eyes grew glassy and he prayed to the spirits that she wouldn't start crying. He'd seen enough of her tears to last him a lifetime. "I guess that's why I tried so hard afterward to get you to talk and to try and take care of you. I wanted to make up for letting you down."

He smirked. "Kinda sounds familiar, huh?"

She gave him a small smile. "Yeah, I guess it does." Then slowly, her smile faded. "It's over and I want to put it behind us and start fresh."

"Me too," he replied and leaned down to press a soft kiss to her lips. "But only after I tell you everything."

She shook her head. "You don't have to-"

He pressed a finger over her lips, cutting her off mid-sentence. "I promised you I would and I'm not going to break a promise. Besides, I don't ever want us to have anything like this come between us again."

* * *

 _So this would actually be a great place to call this story done. After all they're back together right? However, there's a baby coming soon and I know some of you will want to know how that works out, especially since she's been having problems. So, while they have made up, things aren't quite over yet..._


	25. Chapter 25

Lightning cracked across the sky, creating bright flashes through the windows. A rumble of thunder quickly followed. Gen frowned as she headed into Olivia's room to pack her a small bag. It would figure that it would rain on Mike's birthday. Alyssa had already called earlier in the day, freaking out over the fact that the party was going to be rained out.

Instead, Gen had talked her into moving the party inside. "It's not like you're having a ton of people," Gen told her. "We'll all fit in the house and the if the guys get to rowdy you can send them to the garage to hang out. Besides, Mike isn't going to care if you cook burgers and dogs on the grill or on the stove. He'll be happy that you went to the effort and his friends are there."

Now, just as they'd be getting ready to leave it started to pour outside.

It had been a week since she and Johnny made up and agreed to try and put everything behind him. So far things seemed to be going well. He was more engaged, helpful and attentive. He was more like the man she'd fallen in love with and married. While it was still early, she was hoping he would stay this way.

She finished packing the bag and made it into the hallway just in time to hear the phone ring. Another frown claimed her features as she slowly started down the steps. Who in the world was calling now? Everybody they knew either had shift today or would be on their way to the party.

She heard Johnny answer the phone. "Oh hi, Marjorie...No, not at all."

Gen reached the bottom of the stairs, then rounded the corner and stopped to stare at Johnny. It would figure that after nearly two full months of no contact Ridley's mother would choose this moment to reach out to Johnny. She stared at him and pointed to her watch.

Johnny nodded and gave her a shrug.

Gen rolled her eyes, turned and headed off to round up Olivia. It wasn't that she begrudged Marjorie the opportunity to talk with Johnny. In fact, it had been a long time coming, but they were going to be late as it was, and now... She was just glad this wasn't a surprise party.

Five minutes later, with her rain coat on, she walked up to Johnny and motioned toward the door.

"Uh...Marjorie, can you hold on a minute?" He put his hand over the receiver. "I'm sorry, sweetheart, but she's been working on setting up a scholarship in Tom's name and she's having a hard time making it happen. So she's feeling a little low and I think she's looking for someone to talk to."

Gen frowned. "I'm sorry she's having a hard time, but if we don't leave now we're going to be late."

Johnny glanced at the receiver then back to her. "Considering everything that's happened, I really don't want to cut her off. Why don't you drive on over and I'll come later when I'm done?"

Knowing what he suggested was the best option, Gen gave a nod, then leaned in for a quick kiss. "Try not to be too long?"

"I won't and thank you for being so understanding," he replied.

With Olivia in tow, she slowly made her way through the house and out the back door. Gen swore if she got any bigger she'd start waddling like a duck. she paused at the edge of the porch and assessed the situation. Considering her condition, no way was she going to be able to run down the steps to the car while holding Olivia. Which meant they were going to get wet. She flipped up the hood on Olivia's raincoat. "Okay, kiddo. Let's go."

By the time she got Olivia buckled into her car seat and herself behind the wheel, she was left to wonder exactly why she'd spent so much time worrying about her hair. Considering that it was now soaking wet. She started the car and pulled down the drive. The driving rain had her switching on her wipers before she reached the end of the driveway. Then she turned onto the road leading out to the main intersection.

"Where daddy at?" Olivia asked from the back seat.

"He's talking on the phone to somebody. He's coming later," Gen replied as she tried to focus on the road through the downpour.

"I want daddy," Olivia pouted.

"Baby, don't start, okay? Daddy will be following shortly."

"I want daddy," Olivia shouted and then began to cry.

Gen turned to glanced back at Olivia. In that moment the car bounced and the wheel jerked, violently throwing them round the inside of the vehicle. Gen turned back and grabbed the wheel with both hands as the car began to spit and sputter. Within seconds it died and she coasted to the side of the gravel road. _Just great!_

For months she'd managed to avoid hitting that giant pothole along the mile long stretch of road they shared with just a few other neighbors. Only, with Olivia deciding to take a fit, she hadn't been paying attention. Now, she'd not only hit it, but she'd hit it while full of water. She was pretty sure the resulting splash must have gotten up under the hood and done something to the engine.

"I want, Daddy," Olivia shouted.

"Olivia Aiyana Gage, now that's enough." No sooner had she finished her statement when a strong pain gripped her stomach and she gasped. _No! Not now._ She waited for the pain to pass, then glanced back at Olivia, who had stopped crying and appeared to be able to sense something was now wrong.

Gen turned to look out the window. They were at least a half mile from the house, which under normal circumstances wouldn't have been a big deal. She turned back to Olivia and considered her options. She couldn't leave Olivia alone while she walked back to the house and Gen couldn't risk taking her out with her in the rain to make the long walk. What if her little legs got tired? No way could Gen carry her.

Another pain crossed her belly and Gen sucked in a quick breath as she placed a hand over her bump. Beneath her palm she felt her muscles tighten and nearly groaned. Even if she could take Olivia with her, no way could she make the walk while in labor. _Damn it!_

She considered maybe heading up the road instead. It was only a few feet until they'd reach the Hutchinson's driveway. Only, she was pretty sure the Hutchinson's had closed on the sale of their house and move out last weekend. Which mean the house was probably empty until the new homeowners moved in. The only thing she could do was wait for Johnny to pass by. Hopefully, he wouldn't be too long.

* * *

Forty five minutes after picking up the phone and now mentally exhausted, Johnny finally hung up with Tom's mom. Hearing her cry had been so hard, but ultimately she'd made a point to tell him that she hadn't blamed him for Tom's death.

He'd needed to hear that probably as much as she'd needed to tell him. Still, his mood was now sour and he needed to do something about it before he left to go to Mike and Alyssa's. At this point he was already late, so what would a few more minutes make?

He headed into the kitchen, filled the tea kettle and set it on the stove, then reached into the cabinet and pulled out the herbs Shaman Running Deer provided and set them on the counter. Then he quickly made his way up stairs to get changed while the water boiled.

He loved the idea of a scholarship program in Ridley's name. Too bad he couldn't do something that special to honor his friend. Maybe he'd run the idea by Gen and see what she thought. She was always coming up with good ideas. Maybe she could think of something. In the meantime he'd do what he could to help Tom's mom. He was sure that the department would be more than willing to help Marjorie make the scholarship happen. As soon as he returned to work he'd check with headquarters.

John paused as he pulled a shirt out of the closet. That reminded him...he needed to make a new appointment with Brackett and get cleared so he could go back to work. His disability payments wouldn't last much longer and without Gen's paycheck they'd have to start dipping into the saving to pay the bills. It was time for him to start providing for his family again.

Once he'd finished dressing, he headed back downstairs to the sound of the kettle's whistle. He poured himself a cup and let the herbs steep as he hunted down his raincoat and car keys. Once he took a moment to push back the demons he'd leave for Mike and Alyssa's.

* * *

Gen blew through the next contraction and did her best to stifle a moan. Olivia was already upset and she didn't want to make it worse despite the panic slowly building. _Where was Johnny?_

No sooner has the question popped into her head than a most frightening answer followed. What if he decided to bail on the party and not go at all? What if the call with Marjorie threw him back into some sort of depression. Without anyone home to counteract his thoughts, he could easily sequester himself back in the den. If that was the case it could be hours before he'd realize anything was wrong.

With her contractions now a steady ten minutes apart she wasn't sure she had hours to wait. Forget the fact that she might be forced to deliver this child in the confines of her car and in front of Olivia, which was horrifying enough, but then there was the fact that her child would be born a month premature with no medical attention readily available.

"Mommy?" Olivia whined.

"It's okay, baby," Gen shifted and reached her arm over the seat back toward her daughter. "I know your scared, but it's going to be okay." She sucked in a deep breath as she tried to believe her own assurances. It had to be okay.

Olivia puckered up into a frown, her bottom lip showing. "I want daddy."

"Me too, baby. Me too. We just have to be patient. Daddy will be here soon." _Please Johnny! Please get here soon._

* * *

Author's Note: Back before fuel injection cars were carbureted with a distributor cap and points. If the cap didn't seal properly the vehicle might work fine, but if a splash of water made it up under the hood and hit the distributor cap it could cause the ignition system to fail and the car to stall. I actually had this happen to me when I was younger and driving around in my first and second cars which were circa 1974 and 1982.


	26. Chapter 26

Johnny locked the back door and sprinted to his car. No doubt Gen wouldn't be happy about him being so late, but he needed the tea in order to make sure his mind stayed clear. Already, he felt better as he pulled out of the drive. Besides, he'd only be a little over an hour late. In the grand scheme, that really wasn't too bad.

He pulled out of the drive and was half way down the private road when his headlights caught the flicker of metal to his right. _What the hell?_

Why was Gen's car off to the side of the road? A quick shot of panic zipped through him and he immediately steered up behind her car and threw his in park. Then he opened the door and sprinted from his car to hers. He flung open her driver's door. "What happened? Are you okay?"

Pain was etched in Gen's face and she reached out and grabbed his hand. A few seconds later her pained expression eased. "Olivia was giving me a hard time," she panted. "I turned to look at her and hit that pot hole. It flooded out the car." Her gaze lifted to meet his head on. "And I'm in labor."

Panic shot through him like a rocket. "It's too soon. Are you sure you're in labor?"

She nodded. "I know it's too soon and yes, I'm positive. I've been timing the contractions and they're about ten minutes apart."

"Okay," he replied as he slid into paramedic mode. "Here's what we're going to do. I"m going to take Olivia to my car and get her buckled into her seat. Then I'm going to come back for you. Can you hang on a few more minutes for me?"

Gen nodded. "I'm good now that your here."

Worry and fear gripped Johnny by the throat and threatened to cut off his air as he made quick work of moving Olivia from Gen's car to his. "I need you to be a big girl for daddy okay?"

Olivia's eyes were wide with fear as she stared at him, but she nodded.

"Good girl. Now I'm going back to the other car to get mommy. I'll only be a minute, okay?"

Olivia nodded again even as tiny tears trickled down her cheeks. "Scared," she murmured.

Knowing time was against them, Johnny took a moment anyway to try and assure her. "I know you are, Boo." He stroked a hand over her wet hair. "I'm scared too, but I promise it's going to be okay. I just need you to be a big girl for me for a few more minutes. Can you do that?"

"Yes, daddy," she replied in a tone that was so much more adult sounding than her three years of age.

"Good girl." He pressed a kiss to her cheek. "I'll be right back."

He shut the door and raced back to Gen where he found her fighting through another contraction. "I think they're getting closer," she gasped.

"Well let me know when it's over and we'll move."

About a minute later he gingerly guided her through the downpour and eased her into the passenger seat. Then he returned to her car, scooped up her bag and keys and locked the doors before hopping in the drivers seat and taking off. Now all he had to do was get them to Rampart in time.

By the time he'd pulled up outside the emergency entrance the storm had eased. "I'll be right back," he said then exited the car and raced inside. His wet shoes had him sliding around the corner and catching the attention of Brackett and Dixie. "Johnny?" Kel frowned. "What are you doing here?"

"I have Gen in the car and she's in labor."

Brackett glanced at Dixie. "Come on."

Johnny lead the way back to the car. "Olivia's in the back seat," he said to Dixie who nodded.

"I've got her. You take care of Gen."

With Brackett's help they eased her from the car. "Gen, you're sure you're in labor?"

Gen nodded as she sagged between them. "They're less than ten minutes apart and steady." Tears prickled her eyes. "It's too soon. It's too soon." she repeated as they made their way inside.

"It's going to be okay," Brackett assured.

They moved her into treatment two and helped her up on to the table. Brackett turned to John. "Johnny, you want to help her strip down while I call up to obstetrics?"

John nodded and began working on getting her prepped. "John, when you're done there, I want an IV started. With her being early I don't want any extra complications."

She groaned as another contraction started and Johnny paused, taking her hand. "Breathe, baby," he urged. "That's it, breathe."

When it passed he started an IV then moved back to her side as Brackett slid between her legs. "I need to see how much you're dilated, Gen."

"Yeah, I figured," Gen replied then leaned back and closed her eyes. She held tight to Johnny's hand and he kept his gaze trained on her face. He knew the moment Brackett began checking her as expression changed and she grimaced.

"You're nearly to ten already, Gen," Brackett stated. "How long have you been in labor?"

"Maybe about two hours?" Gen replied.

Brackett frowned. "You're moving fast, so I think we're going to leave you right here."

Just then Mike Morton poked his head into the room. Dixie wants to know who she can call to come get Olivia."

"Everyone is over at Mike and Alyssa Stokers," Johnny replied. "Just call over there and let them know what's going on. Somebody will come get her."

An hour later Gen panted through yet another contraction and gripped Johnny's hand. "I feel like I need to push."

Brackett eased into position, then waited for her contraction to pass before checking her. "You're at ten, Genevieve. So push with the next contraction."

Dixie appeared as did Mike pushing a small incubator. "I had neonatal intensive care send down an incubator and one of the NICU doctors is waiting on standby if we need him."

"Good thinking," Brackett replied.

Another contraction began, Gen began to push. For Johnny time seemed to stand still as he watched Gen fight to bring her child into the world. From time to time he still struggled with the memories of watching her struggle through so much pain to deliver Olivia. Now here she was again, repeating the process and he wasn't sure he'd ever completely get over the totally helpless feeling he got because he couldn't take her pain away.

Before long it appeared as if the contractions were coming right on top of each other with no break. Gen struggled to keep up, but they didn't seem to be making any headway.

"I-" Gen shook her head and looked at Johnny. Her eyes were glassy with pain. "I don't feel so well."

John frowned. "Why? What's wrong?"

"Mike," Brackett nearly yelled. "Call OR and tell them to prep for an emergency C-section. Then call obstetrics and tell Dr. McLaughlin we have a possible hemorrhage in progress."

 _Hemorrhage?_ That one word struck an arrow of fear directly into Johnny's heart. "What's happening?" He glanced from Gen to Brackett.

"Gen's hemorrhaging. It just started, but if we don't stop it quick, we could lose her and the baby."

"What?" He glanced back to Gen only to realize she'd lost consciousness. This couldn't possibly be happening.

"We need to move, now." Brackett ordered. "Johnny, grab that IV. Mike get that gurney in here."

Within seconds they were rushing for the operating room and Johnny's heart was in his throat. They hit the door of the operating room and Brackett stopped him. "I'm sorry, Johnny, but you'll have to wait out here."

"Doc." Johnny swallowed hard. "If you're going to put her under, please don't forget about her allergy."

"We won't." Brackett patted him on the shoulder then disappeared behind the closing door.

* * *

As time slowly ticked by, Johnny paced the tiny waiting room. He'd noticed that Roy and Joanne and Mike and Alyssa had arrived, but Hank and Emily didn't. "Cap and Emily have Olivia?" He asked when Mike eased into an empty chair.

Mike nodded. "She was pretty shaken up. So they thought it best to take her home and get her mind off all this."

"She saw a lot more than a three year old should have been exposed to," Johnny replied. "What they did was probably best." Especially since there wasn't any way he could focus all his attention on her right now.

"Johnny," Roy began. "Brackett isn't going to let anything happen to Gen or the baby."

He thought back to the accident and shook his head. "You don't know that. He couldn't save Ridley. He couldn't keep Philips from being paralyzed. He's not a God."

"You're right, Johnny," Joanne offered. "He's not, but he'll do his best."

Johnny nodded and feeling the exhaustion begin to eat away at him, he lowered himself into the empty chair next to her. "I know he will. I just worry that it won't be enough."

An hour later, Brackett walked through the waiting room door. John winced at the blood covering his scrubs. That was Gen's blood. "Doc?"

"We were able to get the bleeding stopped," Backett replied. "Gen's out of danger." For a split second relief washed through him, until he realize Brackett hadn't said anything about the baby.

"What-" Johnny cleared his throat and tried again. "What about the baby?"

"Well, she's a little on the small side, but otherwise she looks good," Brackett replied and for a moment John feared he might faint as the room went up in a cheer.

"She?" Johnny repeated.

Brackett smiled. "It's a beautiful, healthy girl, Johnny. Like I said, she's a little small and we're slightly concerned about her lungs being fully developed, but right now she looks good. She's in an incubator in the NICU and will remain there for the next few days, but I'm confident that she's going to be fine."

"Doctor Brackett," Roy began. "What happened?"

"Gen suffered what is known as a placental abruption. It's where the placenta prematurely separates from the uterine wall." He turned his attention back to Johnny. "We think a couple factors were at play here. One, the placenta was extremely high on the uterine wall and the baby had an unusually short umbilical cord. When Gen began pushing, we think because of the short cord it caused the placenta to tear."

"Do you think that's what was wrong a couple of weeks ago?" Johnny asked.

Brackett nodded. "There's a good possibility that when the baby was trying to turn into head down position it pulled on the placenta and caused a small tear. We couldn't see anything on the ultrasound because it didn't really affect anything, but even a small tear would cause quite a bit of pain. I also think hitting the pothole in her car earlier might have re-aggravated that tear and threw her into premature labor."

"Can I see Gen?" Johnny asked.

"She's still in recovery right now. Once we're happy with her vital signs we'll move her into a room and you can see her then. How about I take you to see your daughter instead?"

Johnny nodded and had to fight down his emotions. "Lead the way, doc."

With the others standing outside and watching through the large picture window, Johnny made his way inside the NICU, where he donned a gown, gloves, and a mask before the nurse removed his daughter from the incubator and placed her in his arms. Now he did let the tears flow and thanked the spirits above for looking over his family. "She looks like Genevieve," he murmured.

Brackett nodded. "She does at that. Um...Johnny..."

John looked up from the newborn and met Brackett's gaze. In an instant he's skin began to prickle. "What haven't you told me?" he asked.

"About Gen," Brackett began. "The hemorrhage was large and she lost a lot of blood. It's going to take her some time to recover."

Johnny nodded, "and," he added knowing there was something else.

He could see Brackett wince behind the mask. "She's going to suffer extensive scarring and there's an extremely high probability that she won't be able to have anymore children."

Johnny closed his eyes, as he let the information sink in. There wouldn't be a son in his future. There wouldn't be anymore children. Then he opened his eyes and looked down at his daughter and watched as she wrapped her tiny, perfect fingers around his index finger. _It didn't matter._ None of that mattered. He had two beautiful daughters and an amazing wife and he couldn't asked for anything more. "I'll break the news to Genevieve."

Brackett nodded. "If that's what you want."

"It is and doc?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for giving me back my wife and daughter."


	27. Chapter 27

Slowly, Gen opened her eyes and stared blankly at the ceiling. _Where am I?_ The last thing she remembered she was in labor. She'd been pushing, was in pain, and had a sudden feeling of being light headed. Had she blacked out? She moved her arm over where her baby bump used to bed and fear streaked through her. What happened? Where was her baby? A gasp tumbled from her lips and she struggled to sit up.

"Shhh...Easy, sweetheart. It's okay," Johnny's voice soothed and she turned her head to find him watching her from next to the bed. "Just relax. Everything is all right."

While his presence helped to soothe her nerves slightly, confusion continued to propel her fear. "The baby?" She asked and was almost afraid to hear the answer. After what happened last time she wasn't sure she could handle the news.

"She's fine," Johnny replied, then his face slid into a grin. "In fact, she's perfect and beautiful and looks just like you."

"She?" Gen repeated and felt the briefest moment of regret pass through her. While she was happy her baby was healthy, she knew how much Johnny had wanted a son.

"Hey now. Don't make that face," Johnny admonished.

"What face?"

"That sad face." He pushed to his feet and leaned over the bed rail. "I know what you're thinking, and I'm telling you to stop it right now. I told you that I'd love her no matter what and I meant it. She's healthy and gorgeous and I couldn't be happier. So don't get all sad about her not being a boy."

"You're right," Gen replied. "I'm sorry. I'm still a little groggy and it's keeping me from thinking straight." She frowned as she tried to remember how she'd got here. "What happened anyway?"

She listened as Johnny explained everything, then sighed. "Wow...I guess we were lucky, huh?"

"Yeah we were," Johnny replied. "If the placenta had torn anymore while you were alone in the car with Olivia." She watched visible shutter ripple through him and felt her own mimic it. What a horrible situation that would have been. "I'm just sorry I wasn't with you when it first happened," he added. "I shouldn't have let you leave alone."

"I'd been perfectly fine since the last incident. You had no way of knowing," she tried to assure him.

"Still," Johnny replied. "I should have told Marjorie I'd call her back. She was just so excited about trying to set up the scholarship fund in Ridley's name."

Gen started to lift a hand to reach out to him, only to quickly learn just how weak she really was. _Holy crap!_ The last time she felt this weak was when she awoke from the incident with Barlow. Even her shoulder surgery hadn't left her feeling so small and helpless. "You did what you thought was right at the time."

"Yeah, but it almost cost you your life. I got caught up talking with her and then I got thinking about how great it would be if I could come up with a way to honor him too. Then she started crying and by the time I got off the phone with her, well-"

Despite the fact that her arms felt like lead weights, she forced herself to reach for him. "It doesn't matter," she cut him off. None of that matters. The important thing is that you found us before it was too late and you got us the help we needed."

He leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. "You have no idea how important it was for me that I was there for you, sweetheart and I'll going to do my absolute best to always be there when you need me."

Gen gave him a small nod as his words sank in, warming her and giving her much needed support. "I know you will." In a split second her thoughts turn to Olivia. She'd been terrified in the car and even after Johnny had found them had been more than a little frightened of what was happening. The last thing she remembered was Dixie pulling a crying Olivia from the car. "How's Olivia? Who has her?"

Johnny frowned. "Mike said she was pretty shaken up when Cap and Emily came to get her, but I called them a little bit ago and she's doing fine now. In fact, according to Cap, Emily already has already managed to coerce her into bed and she's sleeping sound. They're going to keep her until tomorrow. Then Roy and Joanne are going to take her."

"You should spend some time with her," Gen pushed. "She could use some quality time after what happened."

Johnny nodded. "I will and I also think it's important that she sees you, so I'll probably bring her by the hospital sometime tomorrow. The sooner she knows you're okay the better."

While Gen wasn't so sure about having Olivia see her laying in a hospital bed, she knew he was right. Hopefully, Olivia wouldn't be too upset about Gen having to stay in the hospital for a few days.

"If she's receptive then I'll take her to see her sister," Johnny continued.

"Sounds good," Gen replied even as she felt her eyelids growing heavy. "I'm so tired," she managed to murmur.

"Then sleep, sweetheart" Johnny leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. "You've certainly earned it."

* * *

It was mid afternoon the next day when Johnny walked into Gen's hospital room carrying Olivia.

"Mommy!" Olivia squealed and began to wiggle until he had no choice but to put her down or risk dropping her.

"Hey, sweet pea." Gen replied and watched as Olivia tried to climb up the bed.

"Up, mommy. Up," Oliva demanded.

"Okay," Johnny said then picked her up and carefully placed her in the bed with Gen. "Mommy has an ouchie on her belly, so be careful," Johnny warned.

Olivia paused and looked down at Gen's belly. "Where 'da baby go?" she asked.

"It was time for the baby to come out of Mommy's belly," Johnny tried to explain.

Olivia frowned. "Baby make ouchie?"

"Not exactly," Gen replied. "It's okay. Just come on up here."

"Where is baby?" Olivia asked with a slight demand in her tone.

"She's here in the hospital," Gen replied, hoping her daughter had the ability to understand. "The doctor's are taking care of her."

That seemed to appease Olivia as finally, she crawled up along side Gen, then turned and snuggled against her. Gen smiled and looked over at Johnny. "I think somebody missed me."

Johnny leaned over and gave her a slow, sweet kiss. "She wasn't the only one." He leaned back, then pulled the chair next to the bed and sat. "I had such a hard time sleeping last night. I just kept thinking about what could have happened."

"But it didn't," Gen replied, then reached over and took his hand in hers. "Because of you we're here and we're healthy."

"Yeah-" His smile faded. "Um...about that."

The warning in his statement had Gen's skin prickling with awareness. What was wrong now? "Is there something wrong with the baby?"

Johnny shook his head. "No, the baby's fine. It's something with you that I need to tell you about."

"Me?" Why did she have this terrible feeling she wasn't going to like what he had to say? "Okay, so spill it. What's wrong with me?"

"Well, you know how I told you about the placental abruption and the hemorrhaging, right?"

"Yeah?" she replied and had to remember not to hold her breath as she waited for him to tell her the rest. "What is it, Johnny?"

"Well, it's just, while they were able to save your uterus, Brackett says that because of the damage the hemorrhaging caused and all the scar tissue that will form as a result, there is a very high possibility that you won't be able to get pregnant again."

Gen stared at him blankly. No way could she possibly have heard him correctly. "Are you telling me we can't have another baby?"

Johnny lifted her hand to his lips. "Unfortunately, that's exactly what I'm saying."

She couldn't give him another child? A myriad of emotions passed through her in the span of seconds. Anger and sorrow, pain and grief. If she hadn't lost the last one? What if that one had been their boy? What if that had been her one chance to give him a son and she'd blown it?

"Don't cry, mommy," Olivia's tiny voice broke through Gen's sorrow and she looked down at her daughter. Her bright, innocent, expressive eyes looked up at Gen with concern. "No be sad, Mommy."

"I know, sweet pea," she murmured. "I'll be okay." Learning that she couldn't have anymore children hurt, but she had so much to be thankful for and she needed to remember than fact.

Just then the door opened and Dixie walked in, right behind her appeared a nurse pushing a large cart. Gen's heart skipped a beat as she watched them approach.

"Hey, why the tears?" Dixie asked as she handed Johnny a mask, then handed two to Gen.

"I just broke the news to her about not being able to have anymore children," Johnny replied.

"Oh." Dixie nodded. "Yeah, I can see where that could be rough, but..." She turned toward the incubator. "I think maybe this might ease some of that sting. Now put on your masks."

Gen placed the mask over her nose and mouth, then tied one to Olivia. "Leave that on, okay?"

Wide eyed, Olivia nodded.

Carefully, Dixie picked up the baby from inside the incubator, turned and placed her in Gen's arms. In span of a breath, Gen fell in love as she set eyes on her daughter for the first time. Tears welled a again as she stared down at her beautiful baby girl. "She doesn't look like me," she murmured from behind the mask. "She looks like Johnny."

"Mommy?" Olivia cocked her head to the side and look at Gen.

"What sweet pea?"

"My baby?" she asked, a hopeful look in her eyes.

"Yes, Olivia. This is your baby sister."

"Hey, did you guys decide on a name yet?" Dixie asked. We need to fill out the rest of the paperwork and well...she's been here nearly twenty four hours. I think maybe it's time she had a name, don't you?"

 _A name?_ Gen looked at Johnny, hoping maybe he had an answer. With everything that happened over the past several weeks, the last thing that had been on her mind was baby names. "I don't know. Most of the names we talked about were boy names. We really weren't prepared for a girl. Johnny?"

"I don't know," Johnny replied. "Whatever you want...wait-" Johnny's eyes went wide and a slow smile filled his face. "I have an idea."

* * *

 _Okay, so what name do you think they picked for their new baby girl?_


	28. Chapter 28

Gen stood on the back porch holding her baby girl as she watched Olivia ride her new horse. She held on tight to the saddle while Johnny lead the Palomino around the new paddock just beyond the play area. Giddy, she grinned and giggled as he turned the horse first one way then another. "More, daddy," she cheered.

"I see you finally gave in about the horse," Dixie said as she stepped out the back door and handed Gen a warmed up baby bottle.

Gen took the bottle and shrugged. "It's something that's important to him and honestly, in the grand scheme of things it wasn't _that_ big of a deal. Besides, look how happy it's made Olivia."

Dixie followed Gen's gaze toward the paddock. "Johnny too." She lowered herself into a chair and grinned. You gonna sit down and feed that baby or are you going to keep pacing the porch?"

Gen rolled her eyes and eased into the empty chair next to Dixie. "Sorry, I'm just a little nervous still about her being on the back of such a big animal." Out of instinct, she check the temperature of the bottle on her wrist, then slipped it into the baby's mouth.

"Johnny wouldn't allow anything bad to happen to her," Dixie replied.

"I know," Gen said. "And I keep telling myself that, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm going to worry anyway." She glanced from the infant out to the paddock then, back to Dixie. "I know that I'm so very blessed and sometimes I can't help but worry that I could lose it all in an instant."

"That's the insecurities of a wounded five year old talking," Dixie observed.

Gen nodded. "You're absolutely right. It is, but I know that pain so well. I don't ever want to feel it again and I don't ever want my family to have to feel it."

"Is that why you decided to give Johnny another chance?" Dixie asked.

Gen pulled the bottle free from her daughter's mouth, set it on the table and shifted the infant to burp her. "I know Johnny has his faults and sometimes he's a bit air headed and pie-in-the-sky, but his intentions are good. Besides, he's a great father, he loves me and I love him so much."

The baby let out a burp, then Gen shifted her to the other arm and resumed feeding. "It hurt so much to see him go through the depression after the accident and know I couldn't do anything to help. Ultimately, even though I'd convinced myself that leaving him was the right thing for my babies, when it came right down to it, I just couldn't." She met Dixie's gaze head on. "He's my soul mate, Dix."

"I know he is," Dixie replied.

Just then rustling and voices coming from along the side of the house caught their attention. Before Gen could comprehend what was going on Marjorie Ridley and her daughter Caroline appeared. "There you guys are," she said as she made her way up the steps. "We knocked on the front door, but nobody answered. Then we heard voices coming from around back. She stopped in front of Gen and her expression turned soft as she clasped her hands together. "Is this my Tommy's namesake?"

Gen grinned. "Marjorie, meet Ridley Malina Gage."

Marjorie went down on one knee and tears welled in her eyes. "She's gorgeous, Genevieve."

"Thank you. Would you like to hold her?"

Marjorie grinned. "Can I?"

Dixie pushed up from her seat. "Here, take my chair and I'll grab another."

"Thank you," Marjorie replied, then sank into the chair and gingerly accepted the baby from Gen.

It was at that moment Johnny ascended the steps with Olivia. "I thought I saw company arrive."

Marjorie looked up at Johnny as tears began to fall. "She's beautiful, Johnny. I can't begin to tell how how much it means to me that you named her in honor of Tommy."

Johnny crossed the porch and took Gen's hand. "Tom was a great friend and a fantastic paramedic, Marjorie. In his twenty five years on earth he made a difference to a lot of people and it was important to me that, his life not be forgotten."

For the first time since arriving, Caroline spoke. "Where does Malina come from?"

"It's a tribal name." Johnny replied. "Both the girls have tribal middle names."

Gen nodded, looked up at Johnny and felt her heart swell with love. "It was important to us that the girls always know and embrace their heritage, so giving them names that held meaning was important." She motioned to Olivia. "Olivia is named after my mother and Johnny's mom, who also had a tribal name. Ridley of course is named after Tom and then we gave her Malina to honor her tribal heritage."

"It's lovely," Caroline replied. "You two have a beautiful family and I wish you all the happiness in the world."

* * *

Later that night, after the last guest departed, Gen placed Ridley in her crib, then slowly backed out of the room just as Johnny was leaving Olivia's room. "Ridley good?" he asked.

Gen nodded. "Olivia good?"

He grinned. "Out like a light before her head hit the pillow." Then he stalked toward her, a predatory gleam in his eyes. He snared her by the hip and yanked her against him. "We've got about four hours until Ridley wakes up, right?"

"Right."

He arched a brow. "Brackett did clear you, right?"

"A week ago," Gen replied.

His eyes widened then slowly narrowed. "You've been cleared for a week and I've been dealing with my urges in the shower?"

She arched a playful brow. "Excuse me? _Who's_ been dealing with your urges in the shower?"

She watched him fight a smile and slowly lose. "You've done a damn good job too. Still, it's not the same as being able to lose myself inside you."

"I know," Gen replied as a slight amount of guilt floated to the surface. She could have told him, but then he would have needed to wear a condom for insurance sake. He would have done it, but neither of them would have been happy. Waiting seemed like the better option. "It's not the same for me either, but it was necessary."

"Why?" he asked as angled them both toward the bedroom.

"I needed to complete my full cycle of birth control pills and it just seemed easier to wait."

"What birth control pills?" Johnny knit his brow. "I thought you couldn't get pregnant?" Johnny's look turned soft. "So what exactly did Doctor McLaughlin say about your scarring?"

It still hurt her to talk about her fertility situation, but she had to admit, it was slowly getting easier. "He said from what he can tell it's not as bad as he and Brackett expected."

"Well, that's good right?" Johnny replied his tone hopeful.

Damn she hated having to burst his bubble. "Yes, but there is still a significant amount of scarring and after what happened with Ridley he says it would be dangerous for me to risk getting pregnant again."

Johnny frowned. "Dangerous how?"

"As in next time might be fatal for me and the baby."

"Yeah, that's not a risk I want to take," Johnny replied.

"Yeah, me either, so keeping that in mind, nothing has really changed. There is the potential for pregnancy, but considering the risk, it's best if for now I go back on the pill." Emotion welled from somewhere deep inside and she fought to tamp it down. "Doctor McLaughlin advised me to consider getting my tubes tied just as an extra safety measure."

Johnny reached out and stroked a hand along her hair as he sighed. "I'm really sorry, sweetheart. I can't imagine what it must be like to have that choice taken away. I wish there was something I could do to make this better."

And there, with those sympathetic words, was man she'd fallen in love with and pledged that love to for all eternity. He had such a huge heart and sensitive soul. No wonder the man continually made her heart do little flips. She lifted a hand to his cheek and smiled. "As long I have you and I have my beautiful girls, my life is complete. I don't need anything else."

The end

* * *

 _Thank you all to who reviewed, followed and enjoyed my story. I really enjoyed writing it. There will be another much shorter story about John, Gen and the rest of the emergency family soon. John and Gen have one more big event coming their way._

 _Thanks Again,_

 _Sienna_


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